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These used to be turnbacks. I used to go through old blogs at specific dates and try to see where I was then. I’m working on being where my feet are at, and right now my feet are feeling sore yet successful. I walked ten and a half miles today. This is becoming ordinary this summer–further proof I am no longer in the desert. I also finished my second short story in three days, which is impressive considering I had barely 200 words on each last week. So, I’m getting back to it. The engine is turning. The gears are oiling up. I’m starting to get to a place where I can be a productive member of the writing world and someone whose health is a priority. I don’t want to turn back right now. I want to be where I am at and build from it.

I want to get in the gym. I want to get back to stretching. I want to love what I am writing. I want all of these things and I feel like I am in a place in my life and with the partner who can help me make it happen. I’m not fighting against everything else anymore. I’m in a healthy space and things are starting to turn.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “A chilling Romanian exhibition replays videotaped secret police interrogations from 1989” I could have chosen a lot of other ones, but this is, well, bonkers.
2. Tough talks with the kid coming. The main one: trying to listen to him understand why he decided to take all his official visits with his mom and basically sideline me and the Lady Talis through this entire process. It’s trash to be sure. I think I know the reason. I think he did it for his mom–to make her feel comfortable and give her the spotlight. I just don’t know why.
3. Few more minutes on the clock and nothing really left to say. I could talk about soccer, but I don’t entirely care that much. I want to care a little more. I want to care more about that than the politics I still follow. I can’t do anything about either but cheer.

If you look just a little, there is good stuff out there. The key is to not listen to the haters. The Bride! has a lot of haters, but I watched it last night and found it to be really entertaining and a quality message on how women are judged and perceived. It was weird and wild and sometimes didn’t make sense, but all of it worked. It was better than Saltburn and Marty Supreme put together and both of those wound up in the Golden Globes. The latter was in the Oscar conversation. I don’t think Disclosure Day will be in those conversations, but it was a solid film that makes you think about how we will respond to the proof of extra terrestrial life. It takes a stab at explaining why we haven’t disclosed and what it would take for such a thing to happen. Beyond that it feels like a huge moment of catharsis for Spielberg.

This is but the first week of my own Summer Movie Marathon. The Death of Robin Hood opens on Friday. Supergirl takes flight a week later. I’ll have a lot to say about them. But for now I just have time for…

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Cape Verde holds Spain to a surprising 0-0 draw in the country’s World Cup debut” Soccernerdness moment. It does feel good when a very lowly ranked team (64 in the world… only 48 teams in the cup!) shows out against the #3 team on the planet.
2. Not invited to the visit. I am not surprised. Feels good to know I can start making plans for the weekend. Happy Father’s Day to me.
3. Also this: “Pool owners react to algae bloom turning Trump’s reflecting pool green“

I woke up today very very early and my thoughts were churning. See, for me I cannot stand waiting on the precipice of disappointment. This week my son is supposed to be taking a college visit to Tulane. He just got back from Hawaii visiting their program. The Lady Talis and I were not invited. We have not been invited to any of these visits. In fact, as previously mentioned, the only visit I’ve taken with him is the one I paid to go on, which is Tulane. That is the only reason that any of those coaches know that I exist.

They know his mother exists. He’s helped shape the narrative that he is being raised by a single mom when the reality is starkly different. The reasons for this are legion. It would take more than the time I have to break them all down, but the summary is this: He’s been manipulated by a needy parent and he is feeding into a narrative that I don’t and have not done anything for him in his life.

Kids don’t see the long game. Kids don’t see what they have every day as something that is being provided to them. What they see is what they want in front of them. So the first time a parent says no, that sense of ‘what have you done for me?’ starts to creep in. Its worse if the other parent is amplifying that narrative by creating conditions of well, I won’t do X because your Dad won’t do Y. The entire construct is false, of course, but tell a kid to see it that way.

In fact, try to tell a kid anything and expect them to think through it rationally at 17. It isn’t going to happen until much later. Then the damage to the relationship is already done. The damage to our relationship shouldn’t last forever. I’m grown and I can wait this one out. Still, as the Tulane visit approaches, I do not expect we will be invited along. That potential dis already hurts. The full insult hasn’t happened yet. I’m waiting for it. I am expecting that he takes the wrong person on this father’s day weekend visit.

At least its close to happening now. Means it won’t keep me up at night anymore.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “The Comeback Knicks are the Champion Knicks. Brunson scores 45, and New York tops Spurs for title” 53 years it took to get here and the son of a Knick who played in the 1999 series lead the way. Scroll back through the posts. I never expected this to happen. Yet they did. They believed. I’ll tell you, belief goes a very long way. These guys were down by at least ten in every single game. They were down 27 in the 3rd one game. Down 16 this last game. They won. 4-1. Knicks in 5.
2. To quote a now-internet-famous Knick fan, “My Mayor is Muslim, My Bagel’s still Jewish, the Pope is on our side, Knicks in 5!”

Well, finished a story.

One more to go over the next few days, but getting one handled in draft form makes me feel better. Writing has not been going to great for me. I feel like I am the only one in my family not on my game for what it is we’re trying to accomplish. Well, me and the other pisces. My daughter is also not locked in. The Lady Talis, all the dudes, locked in. Maybe it is a pisces thing. Maybe I am looking for excuses (and connections) where there are none.

When things don’t go right it is easy to fall into superstitions. When things have gone wrong for so long and suddenly go right it can be just as easy to fall into superstition. I am afraid to watch the full Knicks game tonight because the one time I watched a whole game they lost. Trump was there, which could be part of the problem too, but it is my superstition so it has to be my fault that things got screwed up. That’s how superstitions function. You manage to convince yourself that you have control or have lost it and can regain it through extraordinary means.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Knicks in 6: NY man’s high school yearbook prediction 6 years ago goes viral” Okay admittedly it is a weak one, but 6?! Why jinx this situation. Just let them cook!

The US National Soccer Team is up 3-0 against Paraguay and there are a lot of people feeling good–even suggesting the USA can make a run at this thing on home ground. Not me. I see the group draw and see a lot of hope there, but overall, we are not that good… and the world is not going to want us to do very well given how crap we’ve been to everyone else but us who inhabit it.

Meh, so long as the Knicks win it will all be okay.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Head of Palestinian soccer says he wasn’t granted US visa to attend World Cup” I mean, you’re not white, my guy. “he is among several people accredited to attend the World Cup who have been denied visas or have yet to receive them from the United States.” and none of them are white either. Only brown people are being denied entry, because we have become a nasty reflection of who we were during the Obama years. Blowback is a bitch. An overcorrection, those moderately right of center might say. A hot mess I say.
2. Grinding as a writer lately. Should be able to get the stories done over the next few nights. If it happens, I’ll be pleased with myself. Still not sure if I am going to keep going after The Justice Engine. I might have to take that long long reset.

I’ve been a Knick fan since I could walk. I watched them lose two finals in my lifetime–neither were much of a close matter. Last night was the pinnacle of Knick fandom for me. Of course I want them to finish the job, but down 29 and coming back to win in the finals… It doesn’t get much better for a Knick fan. All we’ve known as adversity as a fandom. The Knicks are cursed with an ownership determined to ruin things. They wrecked Linsanity. They brought Carmelo and detonated a roster to do it. They jacked up ticket prices for the finals. They let Trump come through and kill the vibe (and likely the damn game).

None of that matters. NYC is resilient and yesterday was a reflection of what it meant to be from that city and be a part of everything that city has gone through over the last half century. I was born there. Raised there. Survived the 80’s when the city was at its roughest and worst. I watched fandoms come and go. I watch the Jets faithful suffer setback after setback (and still going). I watched Hockey rise to prominence. I watched The Giants make us proud, the Nets try to hop on (y’all still suck). I’m 26 years removed from a Subway Series.

We’ve had a lot of success in these 2000’s everywhere but in the realm of basketball where NYC has long been a disappointment. I wrote about Lauren Hill rapping about Knick failures. But last night I heard Wu-tang shout “Knicks in 5!” at the half. They were down 76-49 at the time. 27 points. They only gave up 30 in the entire second half.

This was legendary. I’ll remember it always.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Knicks complete record rally from 29 points down and beat Spurs 107-106 for 3-1 NBA Finals lead“
2. Kid is on another OV without me. Funny how that works. I pay for the non-official visits but when it comes time for the free trip, I don’t even get notified. I just hope his kids don’t do him like he does me.
3. I’m still a dad though. I’ll still show up for him. Still proud of his accomplishments and his future. Less so of who he is choosing to be and how he is choosing to treat half his family.

The other day I talked about the idea of siting with the silence. Turns out a spa is a hell of a place to do it. While in the sauna my brain churns through the mess of thoughts that have accumulated over the past few days. Namely, I find myself in pursuit of stories and idea threads that have been dangling or have these nasty little hangnails in them preventing me from moving forward. I worked through a critical part of one of the two pieces due in the next few days. I didn’t get a chance to work through the second one–nor do I have a spa day coming up–but I will find a time and a place to sit with the silence and figure some things out.

Writing is about listening, both to yourself and the world around you. I do my best listening to self in the shower where there is never a device to record what I hear and finally understand. The spa feels like that, but here I can bring a notebook. In fact, I will buy and then bring a notebook next time I’m headed there… Which will be next week.

This is summer, after all.

Three projects left to go.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Trump has a new, surprising take on the higher cost of living: ‘I love the inflation’” I’ve been laying off the politics, but this one is so out there that I had to share.
2. My Lady Talis introduced me to a concept I hadn’t quite thought about before. She warned me if I keep an idea in my head too long then it bloats and changes and festers till it is no longer the thing it was. These are not her words. She has a much nicer and eloquent way of saying that I tend to lose the thread of the story if I take too long to write it. Yet the idea of what she said was a drink of water on a hot summer day. It invigorated me to understand this side of my writing I never have before. I will be taking those comments to heart… and getting a new notebook as indicated above.
3. Idea Archive is coming back! Probably just to myself at first, but when I feel good about these threads, I’ll toss some out here.
4. The hardest part of being where my feet are at is the anticipation as a parent for the sports seasons the kids are going to have. There is a sensation I get as a parent–not as though I’m there on the field with them, but instead as though I am carrying the stress of the moment within myself. That part is rough and sort of addictive.

Another blown writing day.

I’ve reached the point where I am having serious doubt about my ability to put together a story. Everyone goes through slumps. Trying to write in three different genres and do three different types of writing at once is probably a huge part of it. I cannot find the voice for these characters and I’m losing touch with what my own writing voice is in the process. Today I was trying to write a 3k word story for an upcoming book, but the story is not making sense. I cannot find a way in. I cannot figure out how to make it make sense, where to start, what the individual character motivations are, what I am trying to say, or anything. I used to really enjoy diving into these aspects, but now it feels impossible. I spent the last hour trying to figure out how these three characters got into a building where the story takes place, and never got a answer that made sense.

I’m at zero with this story again, and it is due in 6 days. I have a different story due on Saturday, which is nothing like the sci-fi one I was attempting to write today. I am doing way too much right now and none of it is remotely coming together. I want it all to be over. I am not one to quit projects, and I will somehow make it through all of this in time, but right now the entire process is looking like a big fail. None of this work will be peak level.

The worst part is: I don’t know how to break out of it. I don’t have a clue how to adjust to get these things done. I’m drowning in a sense of hopelessness so closely aligned with what writers call ‘writers block’ that my failure feels inevitable. All of it is making me angry and hyper and unable to clear my head. I’m desperate for a way forward right now and all I have is this blog to vent through.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Rob Reiner’s son Nick seeks money from trust parents left him for his defense in their killings” This is not okay. I don’t fully understand how a lawyer gets up in the morning and decides to represent this level of madness. This, to me, is what is wrong with humanity. My guy, you killed them. You don’t get to have the money too… Or, since the law can be manipulated, you probably will. That’s worse.
2. This feeling I have right now is why writers do drugs. Probably how they get clear headed and focused. Unfortunately for me, I’m not about that life. I’ll just suffer through…

I learned that my son booked his official visit to Hawaii through the internet. Not only does it mean that I’m not going, it leaves me to wonder who is. Not his brother, who is the only other person in his corner with actual knowledge of college athletics and can help him navigate the truth of whatever he is being pitched. He might even be taking a family member who openly and constantly disrespects me. That feels like choosing sides from my end. Still, my end doesn’t really vibe with his. He doesn’t see things the same way as I do. Here’s what I know, however: I am wasting too much of my time and energy on caring.

I’m hurt by this. Of course I am. That doesn’t make dwelling on it any more worthwhile or change a single thing. I’ve had the conversations. I have told him my desires and expectations. His not caring is pretty much all I need to know moving forward. I love him. I don’t respect his choices. Moving on. It’s hard to, but I have to or else it will fester in my brain like so many other slights have festered over the years. I have to accept the things I cannot change and have the mindset to focus on what I can change.

That is what I mean by the life we have left. I titled a RPG piece that very thing many years ago. It was a heartfelt reflection on the state of the game world and how it felt to be a person in that world. Here I am reflecting on how it feels to be of a certain age and how important it is to me now to live “where my feet are at” as I move forward. I can control what I can control. I cannot control anything else, and I need to learn to be okay with that. I need to learn to either be along for the ride with this other things, or get off and leave it behind.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: ” Lettuce introduce you to the live frog found in this grocery store salad bag” Umm… Grocery check in Aisle 9. How did the frog survive? How did it make it all the way to the store?
2. Knicks Game 3 tonight. Should be interesting…

I’ve been staring at screens for hours now. Staring long enough that my eyes are blurry while I type this blog. I was working on a short which I tried to pare down to 1/8th its size for reasons of micro-editing practice. To make matters worse, I don’t have the full 3k on the story, so I was paring down an unfinished work and realizing that at the core of the story I don’t even know what it is I am trying to do or say. Fluff. That’s all it ends up being. Possibly well-worded fluff. I’m feeling quite self-disparaging at the moment and this runs the risk of turning into a rant about where I’ve gone wrong.

Okay… Now it’s a rant about where I’ve gone wrong. Obviously it starts with the youngest kid, who I speak of often in these ten minute sessions, and his complete and total loss of self. He’s fallen in with a group called Young Life. From what I know of them they specialize in helping the lost find themselves. I suspect that what has him unmoored is a mix of his mom raging about what a terrible person I am, and feeling disconnected from an identity outside of sports. None of that really leaves room for him and I to connect on a father-son level. It is at the point where I have zero expectation of hearing from him (via text or otherwise) on father’s day.

But enough about that situation haunting the backrooms of my mind. The lack of ability to tell a story is crippling the forefront. It isn’t just that I shortened the thing, it is that I never knew what the thing was to begin with. I am constantly finding myself in situations where I don’t know what story I am telling or why anyone might want to read it. I’m losing faith in my ability, focus, and overall purpose as a writer–which only serves to reinforce the narrative that I’m bad at everything I try for including parenting.

I need a better tomorrow.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Christian Eriksen ‘conscious’ after another on-field collapse in Denmark match, national team says” Twice?! The last time was a heart attack. Five years later he’s out cold on the pitch again. Scary stuff.