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238.8 lbs.

I need to find a way to get back to a healthy weight, because where I am now is impacting every aspect of my life. I am not healthy , thus I am not mentally 100% and I am not as creative and I am not as balanced, etc. It all comes back to making healthy choices and finding ways to be healthier as a person. I took the first step towards that by pulling back on a project, which means I only have two solid projects I am working on at the moment and one of the two will be getting the full attention over the next 11 days. Then 4 days of vacation, and then I am back on the grind full time for the novel. I need to be the best version of myself as I have said, and the way that happens is by putting myself in a place of balance. That is key. Of course, understanding what that actually looks like is as much of a start as any.

Some Thoughts:

1. Merry Xmas season begins…
2. I am going back to the calendar mode. Daily writings of what is to be done is the key to getting myself in position to be balanced and successful.
3. Football this week was pretty good. Solid games to watch and found a spot of happiness in seeing the Giants win another. The offense continues to be garbage, which more and more appears to be a result of play calling. The team swings so sharply in that regard from week to week. They play too safe and need to take more shots more often and do something more with the screen game to counter what has become the worst o-line in the game. Another 6+ sacks allowed today. Still, a win is a win. Looking forward to watching the Seahawks/Cowboys game with my son on Thursday Night.
4. No, we aren’t going to see it live. I wish.

This is going to be one of those blogs that sound like a cry for help. Hell, maybe it is.

I’m not feeling particularly pleasant these last few days. I have struggled over and again trying to find my way to and through a schedule that is stable and I regret to inform the public that it is not working. Blame the break, perhaps or the lack of real will and motivation to do much of anything. Tis translates loudly to the blog where I find myself staring at a screen for the better part of ten minutes or going back and deleting words that I mispelled and realizing that I don’t know what I want to say as I move forward. I do not feel like this is burn out so much as it is outside life stress impeding my movement as a human. The stress mounts and the humanity dies. Thus the world ends in fire. Thus begins…

Some Thoughts:

1. I am very bad at typing. I am fairly ‘ok’ when I stare at the keyboard, but less so when I try to just type and not look.
2. Sighing might be good for the soul. Hell, I hope something I do winds up being good for the soul.

I’m into the xmas hunt now.

I find the act of gift giving super fun to the point that I am fighting to host a white elephant party (and losing that fight). I want to see their glee on the day of the event and think, “I made that happen for them.” That fills me with joy perhaps more than getting gifts myself. This is not to say I don’t want gifts. I do. What I don’t know but I want to feel good about myself, so I want whatever aids that feeling. Perhaps the best gift is to work out and eat better and be able to enjoy these next 30 years in a way that makes my life sing. Honestly, 30 is about all that I can really see at this point as being healthy living. I recently spent time with a few men in their mid and early 70’s and it is clear decline happens steeply at that point. You crash based on what condition you are in leading up to the point and I am worsening by the day. So, I gotta find that drive to survive.

But this was supposed to be about xmas, right?

Some Thoughts:

1. I recently stumbled upon the base outline for a series of cyberpunk novels set outside of the Shadowrun world called the Corporate Commandments. I think I will make them my first major foray into the Amazon sales space.
2. Have not spent a lot of time working this week. Wednesday night through today was pure holiday, but I need to head back over to grind land soon…
3. My office is filled with notices of spring break like something is gonna happen. Except on don’t think that is real anymore. I really want to have it be a thing, because my first born is leaving the nest (potentially) for Japan. We shall see what can happen…
4. Hopped back on Madden to play franchise mode. Been fun but tough. I’m really not good anymore. I need to get back into study mode. Perhaps 30 minutes of planning and playbook work a day?

It is the most wonderful time of the year. We are moving into the holiday season with time to give thanks as a start. I’m very happy with the people who are in my life–as much as I talk about the negatives. I am grateful to have all of them and to see them all develop into individuals who have their own sense of right and wrong and good and bad. It doesn’t always hit the way I want it to, and that is an important part of being your own person as well.

This year I give thanks for family. I give thanks for employment. I give thanks for being mostly in control of my debt. I give thanks for being in love, which is part of family but is always to be seen as its own thing. I have a partner in life that loves me and looks out for me the way I look out for her. She makes me happy and lives with my good and bad. I am happy to have the writing opportunities that I have. I feel that I am going to be losing some in the near future but also gaming some as well. My writing will grow as with all things, and I am preparing myself to move to that next level.

I have a lot to be thankful for and it makes me feel like life is going well and is only going to get better in the coming year-not because of magical thinking, but because I am going to make it happen. I am going to make sure it happens.

Family means so much to me. I really feel like it is important to raise my kids and move them forward and towards their own goals and destinies outside of the nest. This is, of course, why I am so frustrated by the two who aren’t likely to leave the coop before I do. I’m thinking about the next step. I’m thinking about what life looks like when I am not in Arizona and not teaching and not living this specific existence. I am working on changing that existence on a day to day basis and I plan to take even larger steps once the semester ends. I want to be a writer–more than I am right now. I want to do as I did this summer and languish in coffee shops creating fiction and writing wonderful tales. It is about learning and deciding what is important in your life.

So much of my life has been centered on football and kids. I tried to shape an identity around those things. I enjoyed being a coach and I was starting to develop a deeper understanding of the X and Y side of it when I stepped away. I’ve failed to translate this to anything else. I thought I ought to translate it to teaching but it never developed the way it should.

Some Thoughts:

1. Stopping it short there, because I wanted to add a thought about tomorrow. It is Thanksgiving and I (might) be playing basketball for the first time in a year at least. I haven’t run in a year. I haven’t done anything strenuous to that level. It feels dangerous. Not trying to have a heart attack, but we will see what shakes out.

I am writing this on a word doc in order to be published at a later date. The issue is terribly slow web response to the server. I cannot explain it, but I do admit it had happened in the past. Sometimes the server is just junk. Fortunately, the junkiness of the server is not the point of tonight’s post. I want to talk about the Hunger Games

Specifically I want to talk about the movie I just watched—A Ballad of Snakes and Songbirds (I may have that order backwards but I don’t much care enough to check). It was a movie that, based on what I hear from my partner, did not do justice to the book. Honestly, I could tell you that without her firsthand knowledge of the written version. There were far too many moments that seemed to cut away from what was deep story and relationship building in exchange for drawn out moments of near touching and a high level of focus on the violence. Several characters in the game portion were reduced to utter stereotypes (See: Reaper, the black powerhouse). That didn’t improve the narrative.

Despite these moments it was still enjoyable and held on to enough of the book narrative to be a good story… until the end. That wasn’t so good in my opinion.

Tomorrow is more or less my last long teaching day. I have a few more weeks but the time is devoted to meeting with students and getting into the weeds with them on their final essays. I think they need that more than what passes for lecture in my universe of English instruction. The thing of it is, I’m not stoked to go. I don’t have that energy for it that I usually do. I think I’m winding down for the season–needing a real break for a month or so and then time to climb back into it. I don’t take summers off. I need the money, so I teach several summer classes. I haven’t not taught for about 19 years. During all of it I continue to take numerous writing projects including the novel and other projects I am working to complete right now. All of this is to say, damn I need some rest.

I worry about this idea of not being creative and having lost the juice for generating truly new and interesting fiction. If so, it is because I don’t ever stop and reload. I don’t have a real plan to work that into my system. Its like I have FOMO in regards to writing projects–like if I don’t jump on every one then they will dry up. The truth is I need to let a few go by me. several even. I need to take a break and do entirely different types of writing for a while to get back to that place of being able to tell honest and deep stories.

Maybe that happens next year.

It isn’t New Year’s but it is time for a hard reset.

Over the last few months I have stood by as my health declined, my motivation declined, and my writing ability slipped to a sliver of what it was. Overworked? Sure, that is part of it. Lack of prioritization, bad home environment, lack of human connections outside of the home, bad inputs re: fiction.. the list goes on. It all sums up neatly into: I’m not living right. That really has to change and waiting for a particular date doesn’t feel apt.

I can tell you that part of the problem is embarrassment. I don’t feel the least bit safe and secure working out in front of people and I live in a space where people are always there. So that helps my unmotivated ass to not do what needs doing. In terms of the words, I feel overwhelmed. When I feel like that I find anything else to focus on. Usually it is the quick dopamine hit of games. Then I sink deeply into those games… for days. Laziness is a coping mechanism.

I need to go back to the drawing board and accept the things I cannot change and have the courage and will to change the things that I can. This is easier said than done, but nothing worth doing is easy… as cliche and ‘catchy’ or ‘pithy’ as these sayings are they do possess a fair amount of truth juice. Here is the truth: I want to be a better version of myself and the only thing stopping me is me.

First day in a while I’ve had good weather. I mean really good weather. It poured hard for twenty minutes or so and that was that. Now it is cool and the sun is shining and… I am going to a movie in a few hours. I honestly have taken little advantage of the day. I’ve spent most of it inside and buried in a video game. I made great game progress, but no movement in the real life or the real world. This is a Lazy Saturday–a break day if you will. I believe this sort of day constitutes a reset. There is a ton of writing and grading that must occur over the next 48 hours, so I will enjoy the now and lean hard into joy. Later, I work.

Some Thoughts:

1. The post mortem from Deion’s first power 5 season is more or less as he said it would be. They are 6 to 7 guys from being a top team. Those guys are largely linemen and a linebacker. They have to get beef and talent up front on both sides of the ball. When that happens it is going to be a long season for their opponents. In the meanwhile, everyone is taking their shots now. Didn’t this man tell you he keeps receipts?
2. Been thinking about the nature of sexual intercourse as of late. There is a reason why so many texts exist on the subject. What better life than one filled with lovemaking between two people deeply in love? I can think of none.

The man in the gray suit looked like every reason Echo was glad he didn’t work a 9 to 5. He wore a gold watch on his wrist that looked like it’d seen better days. The rings under the man’s eyes told Echo he hadn’t seen those better days in a long time. The shadowrunner slid into the booth across from him with an ease of movement that he still was struggling to adjust to. He felt years younger thanks to the new ware. Now, he set his face in a blank stare and prepared to find himself enough work to pay for it.

“Word is you need work done.” Echo said.

The man looked up, seemingly lost in his own fidgeting. After a moment he said, “Yes. Yes. I need help with a problem that..”

He trailed off. Echo waited for him to pick up the thread. When he didn’t Echo said, “You need help with the kind of problem that needs to stay off the books.”

The man nodded.

“You want to go ahead and tell me what the problem is?”

******Stopping here a few minutes early. I’m losing the pace of the thing. It is tough to come back to a story once a week, especially when you don’t know what it is or where you are going. I don’t advise this sort of one toe dip too often. I don’t think I’ll come back to this one moving forward. New week will mean new start. Time to write a different story… in a different genre