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I failed at football. I failed despite being given every possible opportunity to succeed.

I can boil it all down to a moment. No, not the injury, which wasn’t hardly anything in comparison to major tears and ruptures. It was that moment I first showed up. That opening day of practice and the starting QB gave me a lift back to my dorm. That moment when I had every opportunity in the world to look forward to and I just didn’t give everything I had to grab that opportunity. I didn’t have but one friend on the team, but that moment that I got a ride home said, hey, I notice you. There might be potential. I should’ve worked harder to reach that potential and not let him and everyone else down. But I did let him and everyone else down. Now nobody remembers my name and I am basically a forgotten piece of that early 90’s failure. Eventually the walk-on was walked off and the story ended. I failed because I didn’t try hard enough. I didn’t sacrifice to get what I wanted. This is the story of my life.

What am I willing to give up to get what I want?

Rarely have I had an answer to or even had to answer that question. I’ve led a blessed life for the most part. Of course, I’ve been through a lot of crap, but that darkness is outweighed by fortune and light. I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for being lucky. Even now, with all of the heart stuff going on, I am grateful for what I have and have had along the way. Still, I’ve never truly answered the question: What am I willing to give up to get what I want?

I think it is the question everyone needs to answer in their life. Especially in my own. This semester is another series of very huge opportunities as a teacher, but the opportunities as a writer are proving to be elusive. The sequel to my novel is not yet secured. I thought I had it in the bag, but I have not been persistent. I also have not been sacrificing enough of my daily time to being a writer. So, that is where this all needs to start.

For months–even years now I’ve been trying to understand this idea of invisibility. I recognized it first when I was a child living in two apartments with my mother and my step father, who it seems experienced quite a bit of this himself in regards to my mother. I was only recognized/seen when I was a problem. When I was not a problem I disappeared from the consciousness of people around me, to the point where there would be conversations that would take place as though I simply did not exist in the space. This, I believe, is true of most children. There is even that phrase about being seen and not heard. It rubbed me the wrong way then, for it felt like I was existing merely as a function or prop of the people around me to be trotted out on call like a show dog. I didn’t see myself as crucial or vital in any way to the functioning world around me, and I hastily retreated into my own fantasy worlds where I was vital, because I determined the existence of those worlds.

But what does it mean to be invisible? Imagine for a moment a man who, in his own home, is treated by most people there like he isn’t even there. His partner treats him like he exists, of course, and everyone recognizes him when he is a problem, but in terms of day to day interaction, he isn’t spoken to or regarded by any of the household beyond his partner. Rules that exist when she is in the space are completely disregarded when she is gone but he remains. The only person who even deigns to make eye contact with him is his partner. He struggles to speak directly with anyone beyond this partner, because of how those interactions unfold. They unfold, as one can imagine, in the fashion of someone being forced to do something extremely uncomfortable–someone being forced to recognize someone they’d rather pretend doesn’t exist.

Imagine then the world this man may exist in. Where does he exist? Where is he seen as an individual with something to contribute to the world? By his partner, of course. However, that is mitigated by the fact that in his house he exists purely in her reality, because nobody else in the space treats him in that manner. There are no conversations with him. Everything that needs to be said or done is by proxy through her. He exists there, because she makes him relevant. So where does he exist outside that everyday space?

I believe this is a problem for many people. I use he, because I identify as male, but invisibility is not gender-based. I also understand that being invisible doesn’t mean you are useless or not vital. One can be invisible yet be crucial to the function of everything that happens. In a way that makes it worse, because then you are taken completely for granted–seen only when you withdraw and functions begin to degrade… at which point you are visible and villainized.

I think about this a lot. It keeps me up at night because I am dealing with it in my own way. Moreover, I am struggling with the idea of individual identity, because there is no physical space outside of the classroom in which I exist that I am not a function of someone else. Yet that space–moreso the institution that houses that space–is fraught with such identity dynamics that outside of the classroom I actively try not to be visible. I work against my identity there and wind up that little kid who only exists as himself in virtual spaces.

Consider what that does to a person–to their confidence, to their idea of belonging, to their idea of self. I have. I’m still considering it.

About time to get back to the school schedule, which means a lot of early(ish) mornings. I’m looking forward to having a sense of routine that extends beyond the basics of knowing what my morning routine is and then open source for the rest of the day. I get into a lot of trouble being fully open source, because I am always expecting the structure of a routine to come into play and I know the open is always temporary. Anyhow, that’s just Segway into adding…

Some Thoughts:

1. One thing I’m learning is how to accept being treated like you don’t exist until someone needs something from you or has a problem with what you’re doing. Being black you’d think I’d be used to it by now, but not at home so much…
2. Brian Daboll is coach of the year. Period. He’s done so much with so little. The Giants have one of the worst rosters in the NFL and definitely the worst in the playoffs. That being said, they can go in and win at least one. Moreover, the Giants have been above .500 ALL SEASON. This matters because they have not been above .500 even once prior to this since 2016. Essentially, they have a lot of the same players from all of those losing seasons, plus a bunch of dudes who weren’t playing football or were on practice squads halfway through the year. Scheme, baby. Scheme.
3. Tired of YouTube videos being the centering element in my home. Of course, that is what it means to have boys…
4. I want to play some Minecraft.
5. Turns out I am still a reader. I prefer the reading of instructions vs. the YouTube video counterparts for all things–even Madden…
6. Began stretching and light workouts again. I need that stuff in order to get right and fight my body back into a healthy shape.

What a crazy end to the league seasons. We decided to split the prize money evenly due to the tragedy that unfolded during the Monday night game. The league officially marked me as 1st place, but that can be adjusted if the game resumes and they decide to play their talent during the game. I’m guessing no. So, I’m that guy. My team name, There goes that man rings true finally. A victory in the second season in a keepers league bodes well for who I get to keep, and I have a fairly loaded RB room. The final determination comes down to Jacobs or McCaffery, and I’m glad to have plenty of time to decide. I am also glad and grateful to see Brock Purdy shine. He brings respect to the Iowa State moniker and definitely makes his High School proud. Honestly, I’d like to see him lead the Niner’s right into the NFC championship… vs. the Giants. That would be something, wouldn’t it?

In the meanwhile, I’ve spent some of my winnings on new sneakers and that has me thinking that it is time to get back in shape and back to a limited form of coaching up my kids for the next few months. I call it a bit of a cheat, because I need to get back in shape desperately, and this gives me another way to spend time with them while I do it.

Some Thoughts:

1. It is tough to feel good on a daily basis when you’re treated like a second class citizen.
2. First time in a while that I left this sitting on the publish now page and didn’t publish. Wack. I was really out of it yesterday. Not my best self. Again… see above.

I decided to turn all the way back to 2.28, and thoughts about parenting. The post centered on this idea of structure and discipline following a pointless argument about Minecraft. Mind you I was only three kids deep at this point. The other three were adjacent but not yet mine–though to hear it from my partner, I am responsible for the path they’ve taken till now. What I can say is true is that the issues I saw then have not gone away and have multiplied with the addition of kids and especially of older kids who don’t listen to or respect me. The issue, as I see it, is how one structures their life.

Structures are hugely important and determinant of ones path forward. If your day starts with an hour or more of useless YouTube videos, slides into an hour or more of video games, back to YouTube, back to games, break for meal, and repeat, then that is a structure. It is not one that is designed to move you towards anything more than what presently exists in your life, because there is no room for that. This is perhaps why I chafe at that specific structure that has been adopted by so many of my kids. I also work really hard to rationalize and forgive it, in order to find a way to accept it as Their Way. However, it is not, IMHO, The Way.

My way is in flux. I’m dealing with a lot, obviously, but I do feel that I need to adjust my structure to something more conducive to what my partner and I both want and feel is good for us. As opposed to good for me or good for her solely. There is a lot of emotion tied to this conversation, and it is one that is made easier on vacation, because vacations tend to narrow what one considers in terms of importance and limits interactions outside of our specific pairing. Home isn’t that. So, home isn’t great.

What I want is to find a way to be healthier and not need to worry about heart stuff all the time. I want to be able to occasionally splurge on a nice meal and not worry I’ll die as a result. I want to feel I can say how I feel about things without absolutely destroying everything around me. That last aside probably needs more explanation, but there isn’t time for that here.

Some Thoughts:

1. The on field incident in the game last night was a scary and sad. To see someone have a cardiac incident so publicly is a dark reminder of how we need to be monitoring ourselves constantly–no matter what shape we think we are in.

I am beginning to sink into a sad sensation of loss. I am experiencing heightened Blood Pressure far beyond what I should be experiencing given the medication I am taking. I am controlling it in the sense that I am keeping it within 7 points of 150/100 in either direction. This is not at all a healthy situation, and I think I might be dead within the year. This isn’t a comfortable thought, but as I expressed before, I am sinking into a sad sensation of loss. The basics are this: My heart is not functioning normally. I expect to go back to my doctor this week, and be told to up my meds, because my doctor is actually a NA, who sees me because the doctor is too busy. So, I intend to argue for a referral to a heart specialist, and if they refuse I will pay the tab myself. This is preferable to surrendering to death without a fight. The people in my life who care enough about me for it to matter deserve a fight. What’s crazy is me suddenly realizing how small that circle actually is.

I’m not talking about mourners. The world is filled with mourners. I’m talking about the four or so people who would be genuinely hurt by my passing. This is limited to my partner, probably two of my five boys, and maybe the daughter. I say maybe for her, because I know she cares but I also know I’m not a part of her largely insular life. I’m part of that fringe bit that represents family, but not part of her two people. I accept that. I accept that my circle is likely three of any real impact and I am okay with that. I am not okay with abandoning those three so suddenly.

It is an awful thing to have to rationalize and consider such things so young in life, but here I am. At least for now.

I’m not entirely sure about the whole idea of resolutions. I do, however, know I need to make changes in my life in order to… keep being alive. Foremost of these changes is to live a healthier lifestyle–one that includes daily stretching and increased movement and treating my partner with more love and care. I think all of these things will help in the short and long term, but the first two are pretty hard to really fall into while the third is not so hard as much as something that I need to be more mindful of on a moment to moment basis the way that she is.

I’m worried, because the home situation is not conducive to any of it–so far as I’ve seen. I’m in a situation where half my kids (at least) hold zero respect or love for me and basically try to tolerate my existence (at least that is how it feels given the interactions) while continuing their own. It hurts me to feel unloved. It also hurts me to see that this is all they want to be. That last bit applies to all of the kids. So, what do I do to maintain any sense of self in the moment and space?

I’ve traditionally used the office as a touchstone for self, and I feel like I need to be getting back to that. I’m in it right now as I write this, and I feel very comfortable in the space–even if they are out there blasting hours of YouTube nonsense I tend to be okay in my space. At worst, I can throw on the headphones and zone out to the words.

It all comes back to the words, doesn’t it? That is one of my four pillars: Words, Romance, Kids… Games. Yeah, games remain a pillar. Feels like I haven’t been as faithful to the words as I should be. I keep coming back to the summer I spent in Seattle and going out to write every morning at the coffee shop in Bellevue. That was wonderful. I need more of that shift away from the base or I need to make the base more of that in order to really get going.

So, I’ve learned that change needs to come. As fast as possible, really.

I haven’t done lists or resolutions or much of anything to push me headlong into the new year. Instead I am in the office listening to fireworks rain down outside. I don’t even know where they are coming from or why they are going off so early in the night, but I’m excited to take my turn at it. My BP is lower today, so I’m excited about that. It largely comes as a result of not eating the kinds of foods that I normally eat. I cannot do that anymore. I am changing my life, and fighting to get back into a decent shape. I need it, because I need to stay alive long enough to do something meaningful for myself and to be here to be a part of this family. Yeah, I get that the first part is selfish, but I’m going to be honest about the selfishness. My partner, meanwhile, is fed up with our lives here and frankly done with living anything like this. We need to strike a balance.

I guess I need to think about the new year–about what I intend to make of it and how I intend to do that. No time like the present to get it going, because tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Some Thoughts:

1. I really need to get back to thinking about life as a journey.
2. I’m feeling all of my 47 years lately
3. My daughter might be getting engaged tonight. Crazy.

Tough to believe I’m only 38 days into this and the last 38 days have been crazy. A lot is going on right now. On the negative, I’m having serious blood pressure issues that might require hospitalization if I’m not careful. I am trying to be careful, but I’ve been living with stage two hypertension for days and it is impacting my long term health in a very negative way. It feels like a manifestation of the lifestyle of the house where everything that will exists and be is already here. This is a house of stagnation and outrage (generally over video games and other outcomes beyond their control). Everything is YouTube and Anime and Video Games.. all the time. There really isn’t anything else–well, there is football for some of them. Part of me misses that other house we used to have, namely because of the prospect of moving them all in there and having an adult space here that isn’t constantly swathed in that other stuff.

But we don’t have that. And I don’t have good health.

So, I need to find something better and soon, because my health is deteriorating here, and the docs just want to up the dosage on my meds instead of working to fix the root problem. As you can see, I’m struggling with a lot right now at the end of the year. More than anything I am struggling with the fact that I haven’t written a good honest story from the heart in as long as I can remember. Everything I write is for something or for someone else–not for me–not pure. So, that’s another thing on my list. What are the stories that I want to naturally tell? I don’t know that yet, but I need to find out.

Hard not to think about dying when I’m so close to having a stroke. That is the way my Father-in-Law passed and that happened because he didn’t take care of himself or read the signs. That death changed my life in so many ways. I don’t want to be in the position to change lives in that way. I don’t want it all to fall apart for people. I don’t want to bring sadness. I want to get healthy, and I need to figure out how to do that without docs trying to force medicines on me that do nothing but treat the symptoms of a problem they are making no effort to solve.

Ahh, haven’t done one of these in a while, so it is definitely time for…

Some Thoughts:

1. It is undeniable that there is a sexual context to most ASMR feeds. I myself can’t deny that ASMR is more easily received from an attractive person (leading to cognitive ease) than a non-attractive one. However, the problems for me are when the ASMR isn’t about the sound and the chill but the allure. I can’t get behind those. Feels icky. I just want to chillax.
2. Deion Sanders is simply that man. He’s going to turn Colorado into a powerhouse school, and while he won’t win the Pac12 this year, he will in a year’s time–soon enough to make the college football 12 team format ‘ship.
3. Mr. Nightmare keeps bringing the good stuff… Shows that there are some creepy people out there. There are also real creepy situations…
4. Looking forward to the Spring semester. Should be a good one–especially if all my classes make. I’m trying to get to a place where everything goes and goes smoothly.
5. Madden is trash. I try not to hate on the game with the ferocity of the people who often do so on the Reddit. Still, losing ALL my franchises at the same time to a server issue? Come on, man.