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I have a theory: most of the ‘end of days’ stuff is perpetuated by what is essentially the republican propaganda machine. This isn’t even me saying republicans are bad or evil or that people who affiliate themselves with that party even represent the party itself. In truth the loudest voices from that ‘side of the aisle’ are the ones who represent the smallest and most ferocious segment of their warped and oft fanatical base. This is why when Obama was president it was seen by all of them as a sign of the end of times. However, the day the dow fell 666 points by close of day, nobody even drew a biblical connection.

The connection is clear.

I realized that even more when I heard the president was planning a ‘chinese style’ military parade in DC. Trevor Noah, your boy finally went full African Dictator. It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to separate this reality from a really bad fan fiction version of reality.

I feel powerless to do anything about any of this.

Some Thoughts:

1. Missed Night #2 of the 30 minute rule. I’m bone tired and recognizing that Tuesday is the toughest day of my week. I need better planning throughout the week to ease some of the pressure from this day.

Tonight is the second of three weeks of a novel writing class at ASU. I’m stoked for the event, but I am also ill. So tonight represents that precarious balance between going all out and trying to not pass out. Basically, it is the story of my life thus far. I’m learning that there have been a number of trigger points in my life that, if the multiverse exists, represent divergent paths–the flowering of new worlds. I have been blessed with a number of opportunities and have openly squandered most of them. Now I am learning to ‘read the tea leaves’ and make use of what comes my way. This is harder done than said, as are all things worth accomplishing, but it does reflect a desire to continue to strive to be the best version of myself despite whatever obstacle stands in my way.

Lately those obstacles have been self-imposed and/or financial. I am working on resolving the financial side bit by bit but that too is harder than it looks, because I habitually live outside of my means. In truth I need to live more frugally for a spell in order to set everything else right. Or maybe I should just buy a house and roll all my debt into that. One short payment a month… It’s a thought more than a plan and equally insubstantial.

What has worked is this 30 minute rule (in spite of recent setbacks). I am making progress back towards becoming the best version of my writing self, at least. I can say that this is what I find the most joy in, because becoming that writer I grew up trying to be is a lifelong goal that can only lead to more pride and joy in what I do as a human.

Some Thoughts:

1. I didn’t die from the flu, obviously. Still, the battle is far from won. Next year I get the shot.
2. I need to get back to reading from my Thich Nhat Hanh. I have been derelict in my meditations and it really shows.
3. Love endures.

I am no friend to failure, which is why it is so hard to come to terms with not being able to work on the novel for 30 minutes today. This isn’t about the Super Bowl. This goes back to the conditions that created back day. I’m quite sick. I’m sicker than I’ve been in several years and that overall flu-like sickness is wearing down my body. Nothing is working right and all I can do is lay around and feel hot and dizzy. Thera flu helps to ease the symptoms, but truthfully I am worried that continued use of drugs only masks a worsening condition. This is what my panic button looks like. I mean, people die from this crap. Doctors have no idea which cases are critical and which are not likely until it is too late.

If this worsens, I will go to the doc tomorrow. They’ll say, “oh its the flu,” which I already know. I don’t feel like I am dying but I feel completely ineffective. All I’ve been able to do all day is lay in bed and deal with the situation. Maybe that is exactly what you’re supposed to do, after all.

Some Thoughts:

1. Tide wins the Super bowl of commercials. They hit the meta game and made a concerted effort to remind us that every commercial is a tide commercial. Only, they didn’t hit it hard enough.
2. One thing I’ve noticed is a deepening effort to rebrand blackness onscreen. I don’t now how I feel about it yet.

I was in the kids’ room fixing a computer when I twisted to crack my back. It didn’t crack, it flared. A bright pain overcame me and when I tried to sit up, I could not. The pain kept me on my knees most of the day. I am fortunate to have a partner who is there for me so completely that she abandoned her own day to ensure that I was okay and my kids were handled. That is not only partnership but real, deep, and lasting love. I am eternally grateful for having that in my life. It helped to dim the fact that I am getting old. I am getting old enough for my back to go out every year around this time. I recognize the weather and health conditions that create that scenario, but it doesn’t change the reality. That part is my responsibility.

I started writing the novel–30 minutes a day. It is only two days past, but this is a habit I know I can form and exercising for 10 minutes is another. It might not be enough, but it is a start.

Some Thoughts:

1. Though I feel extremely judgemental for saying so, I find the Phoenix Open really stupid. Not the golf–the golf is cool, but the entire thing is a full day drinking fest. Folks have been walking in, beer in hand, since 7AM. They are expected to continue watching, partying (in nearby party tents), and drinking until late into the night. In other words, it is a college party for grown ups. Why is that stupid? Because it is an excuse. You want a party, have a party. Don’t mask it i the trappings of the PGA. Don’t make it why AZ is special.

Let me start by stating there is no evidence of a liberal deep state. On the surface of the thing, the republican collective (who is in such a lock step as to rival the Chinese parade military or, well, the Mormon faithful) wants you to believe the FBI is against President Trump. This is in spite of the known fact that then FBI director James Comey released an October 28th report about Hillary Clinton–that is JUST prior to the election–that likely cost her multiple states. In other words, the same FBI team that caused Clinton to lose was somehow colluding with Clinton so she would win.

Wait, what?

None of this makes sense. Still, there is an effort to point towards a so-called ‘Deep State’ that is entirely bent on destroying Trump. It is important to note that this Deep State was widely panned as being republican driven prior to the events of the last few months. So, we have an FBI director who skewers Clinton, a Deep State that is largely pro-republican in its ideology, and now both of these groups have been labeled as part of an overarching plan to distract and discredit the Mueller investigation. Cherry on top: Obama is being blamed for all of it. He always is, you know.

That brings us to the memo. The best the memo does is remind us that the Steele Dossier was part of the evidence in one of the cases. It goes on to claim that no mention was made, in how they used the Dossier, of who paid for the dossier and what political party those people belonged to. It does not dispute the accuracy of the findings of said dossier. In fact, some claims have been openly confirmed. The memo instead attempts to poison the well about who bought it. That, my readers, cuts both ways. We are to believe that Fox News is fair and balanced despite being owned by anti-democratic demagogues but believe that a research doc paid for by democrats is entirely partisan and has no factual basis because of such.

If we are smart as citizens we will stop listening. We will avoid this nonsense and allow the investigation to proceed in the absolute silence and politics-free way it has. Remember, nobody from the Mueller team or the investigator himself has said a thing about the case. Things have been said about them. Old texts have been brought up and torn out of context and, when Mueller was aware such things were happening, he removed those individuals for the sake of preserving the authenticity of the case.

We cannot play politics the way this Memo surely does. We must be patient and vigilant.

Embarking on a new plan: 30 day rule. I’m working towards being the best version of me and put my heart into the things I love most at the sacrifice of a lot of things that are peripheral yet hold value. That part is important. I realize that I have only so much time in a day and I must devote the time I have to these things that matter the most. I must find a path towards abandoning lazy and rediscovering focus, dedication, and pride.

The pride piece is especially important.

Some Thoughts:

1. Struggling with neck pain. I picked up a cervical pillow some time ago and now it feels like the pillow has done more harm than good. My neck is a mess and the numbness I feel at certain angles is enough to shutdown half my upper body.
2. Black Panther is going to be the shit.
3. There is something very wrong with Rose McGowan. I don’t quite know what it is, but it feels serious. She’s… off.
4. The Daily Show pointed out that nearly every black leading actor has died on screen. The notable exception was LL Cool J. I was wondering if that trusim applied to all races. In fact Tom Cruise stands out as undying (no, you really cannot count Edge of Tomorrow, because he kept coming back. If anyone knows of one, hit me up.
5. Being madly in love changes a person. It makes you stronger than you thought you could be.

Here is the real: Unless I am diligent about my writing–unless I do it every single day–I won’t do it at all. I’ll cheat, cut corners, pretend, make excuses, find other hobbies, act like it doesn’t matter all that much, and flat out sulk. All of these things are easier than putting my butt in my office chair and writing. In fact, I am writing this blog from the kitchen table, because I don’t want to go in there. The work is hard. The not knowing is harder.

This moment represents a small epiphany. Much of what we call writer’s block stems from the moment of not knowing. It is part fear, part frustration, part lack of clear will (though it takes a form of ‘willpower’ to decide to not write and thus not be ‘right’).  Not Knowing means sitting down in front of a page and not knowing how to get that first sentence right or not being able to figure out how a chapter should come together. It might mean recognizing plot and thematic holes that are so big that it takes you stepping outside of your stubborness to fix them. It means recognizing that, though writing is oft described as a solitary art, you cannot ever be a great writer on your own and not having the courage to really lean on someone else–instead calling that ‘troubling them with your words and ideas’.

It means being afraid you might suck and not actually being okay with that. It means being afraid that you were good–really good–once and you aren’t that good anymore. It means not knowing how to get back there. It means knowing you can’t go back and thus cannot ever get back there.

Not knowing is the ultimate form of precipice surrender. By that I mean you would rather sit on the precipice of something and not have the answers of what lies beneath so that you can have the comfort of knowing that where you are still allows you to believe in what could be the answer. It is Schrodinger’s Cat.

I have long decided to not know. Still, I know it is time to trust the process.

At the Talishouse the kids are at the end of a month long gulag. Feb 1st their friends are allowed back in the house. The boys lost this privilege because they left the house a constant mess and allowed their friends to do the same and worse. I imposed a stern penalty for the actions and instituted new rules about how to handle friends being over. We will see this weekend how well they do with the new conditions. If it doesn’t go well, the friends go away again.

Some Thoughts:

1. Skipped the state of the union. I am burned out on the politics of pointless speeches. You want my vote? Upgrade and secure the electrical grid in a fashion that expands solar and wind.
2. Super Bowl Prediction: The Patriots win again. They have this dude named James White who almost never loses games he plays in. That is important because it reflects on the depth of a team designed to create mismatches.
3. Wednesday is my fave.

As I prepare for my three week novel class I find myself thinking about how I trained myself to be a ‘constant writer’. The training took. I write ten minutes every day, but I don’t seem to write any more that that as of late. This is not for lack of ideas. I have the beginnings of a million stories in my head and none of the guts to write them. Or patience. Or paycheck. Or desire. Really, it could be any one of those things. Recognizing the relationship between will, desire,  and execution is a large part of what I want to teach the class. I want them to be proud of the journey and to remain engaged in it throughout. A finished book is good, but I’ve had just as much fun writing two or three solid chapters.

The difficulty inherent in this class is figuring out how much to share and work on in the 6 hours total I have with this large (20) group of students. I’ll get them there. I have to. It’s what I do.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. My post about existing is helping me come to terms with death. It is also creating perspective for Deja Vu/deja vecu. I experienced a particularly strong moment of that today and thought that this moment did happen in one or more of my parallel existences and serves, in a sense, as a bridge cutting through the inherent time loop. It is a decision point that remains unchanged across realities. In reality it was a dog running across a field, but it felt quite a bit weightier to me.
2. Speaking of weight… I’m falling asleep at three in the afternoon trying to write this. It isn’t that I’m bored, its that I have fallen back into unhealthy eating habits–namely taking in one huge meal and not really eating another meal throughout the day. This is one of many symptoms and causes of my girth.
3. Kendrick Lamar on why he has so little to say about Trump: I mean, it’s like beating a dead horse. We already know what it is. Are we gonna keep talking about it or are we gonna take action? You just get to a point where you’re tired of talking about it. It weighs you down and it drains your energy when you’re speaking about something or someone that’s completely ridiculous. So, on and off the album, I took it upon myself to take action in my own community. On the record, I made an action to not speak about what’s going on in the world or the places they put us in. Speak on self; reflection of self first. That’s where the initial change will start from.
4. To quote another great rapper, “That something that a preacher can’t preach.”

Lately I’ve begun to strongly question the very idea of existence. We are led to believe that existence itself started with a single point of superheated energy that exploded outwards to create the universe. There are theories that this big bang may end, resulting ultimately in a contraction of the universe back to that single point as if it were the in and out breathing of some great beast. Furthermore there are theories that there wasn’t just one big bang but many. It all feels like one of those concepts that are far to large for us to grasp as humans with inherently limited brains. Still, it seems we are going about this idea of existence all wrong. In truth we are looking at the idea of transition to another world vs. the idea of existence itself being a loop. What if when we die we simply return to the start–another big bang all over again?

And in terms of we what are we and why are we? how does existence exist? what holds it? what is the container in which the universe is held? what is it expanding into? The questions are endless and headache building, but they must be asked.

Some Thoughts:

1. I am learning to form bad Sunday habits. Bad habits in general, really. I might in fact still be burned out. I also might just be done for good–washed up. I hope not.