Month: December 2013

I have a terrible time saying goodbye. Letting go feels like dying; so much so that in the moment of departure I look back on everything that came before, remembering the good I did, the bad, and recognizing the disappointment of what can never be. In all my writings and readings I never came across a quote as truly telling as one from Marcus Aurelius who is thought to have said, “The act of dying is one of the acts of life.” Indeed it is one of two acts over which you cannot escape: birth and death. When we are closest to birth the world is possibility and light. When we are closest to death the world may be shaded with the memory of missed opportunities.

I believe I spent too much of my life dwelling on the things I could’ve done, the life I could’ve had, and choices not made or even made in error. These are wasted moments best forgotten as opposed to dwelling on. The hours spent thinking about ‘why not?’ are never as productive or meaningful as getting out there and doing or even pausing to reflect on ‘what next?’

We don’t have forever. We aren’t even promised to end today, so isn’t every moment an opportunity to advance our dreams? If we aren’t living the life we intended, we should be living the life that is intended for us. We should be trying to be the best person we are capable of–our dream person, and we should never ever surrender–never ever settle–until we get there.

 

Final Thoughts:

1. My heart hurt even writing that blog. I am a strong believer of universal karma and the idea that what you put into the world is given back to you. I wrote that blog as if I were dying. I am not dying. Not yet. I am not ending the blog until condition of my death. However, I am inspired by the work of Randy Pausch to model the last lecture as realistically as I can. It seems like people at the edge of life are heard more clearly. There is something compelling about the finality of a person’s existence that makes the last words they write hold value. I want to include this structure as a teaching tool, so I modeled it here today. Now I recognize how hard it is to say such things and not feel your own mortality; to feel your life beating out of existence.
2. Part of me wonders if we are all already dead and the mere acceptance of that fact allows us to recognize time not as a constant or an arrow but merely as a state of being that can be altered.

When I hit the web to check sports I always stop to check the links that line up on the side of the page. Today I wandered on to the Bleacher Report and was rewarded with an ad suggesting I might be in the market for an Armenian wife. I’m not. Frankly I have no idea why the system thought I was. Perhaps it was the page. I don’t check the WWE page ever, so maybe my curiosity was seen as indicative of a deeper desire. As though wanting to know what The Rock is up to triggers a hidden subroutine designed to ferret out those seeking a certain quality of advertisement. The Rock’s sudden if-then nature aside, the moment set me to thinking about the algorithm, and now I’m wondering what mine looks like.

My Algorithm first introduced itself through a series of peculiar google search results. I noticed how my results and those from friends were different. Once I knew it was there I saw my algorithm everywhere, a digital stalker silently watching my every webpage. It followed me to NPR, snuck into my audible account, and camped out on amazon deciding what I might purchase next.

I’m going to have to come to terms with my algorithm. I need to pet it, feed it, and let it grow. This thing is a part of me now; my digital shadow.

I’m stuck for ideas this Sunday. I feel like I’ve given a lot of my passion and energy to a semester that is all but in the books and I’m at the pause between where I can refocus my priorities and really dig deep into the work I want to be doing and the writing I want to be writing. Here’s a quick reflection: I’m teaching a lot of very cool classes and I want to keep doing that, but I intend to do it in manageable doses. I don’t need to do everything at once. I suppose it comes down to labeling priorities–something I’ve waxed about in the past. So now in the pause before the pause I’m going to empty out my brain on y’all.

Some Thoughts:

1. A close friend decided to read the blog and mentioned that it was a lot like looking into someone’s diary. It seems I am in fact an open book. Hey, friend, keep reading and eventually I’ll get around to talking about you…
2. It turns out the term muse can be offensive. I saw it in terms of creative influence, or stimulus, or inspiration. I don’t quite get how that is a problem, but if you dig a little deeper into the commercial and literary use of the term it is more likely to be equated with sexual surrogacy than anything intellectually, ahem, stimulating. So, yeah, my bad on that one.
3. I want a NYT Bestseller. I stopped caring about this for a while, but I’m done with that laid back phase. Being a writer, IMHO, requires a certain level of intensity that comes with being successful in any craft. If I decide to be the writer I can be, I’m going to be able to achieve the goals I can achieve.
4. Nightmares the last few nights. I can only remember snippets, but it is enough to know that I don’t want to remember any more. What’s odd is every time I have a nightmare so does my 6 yr old.

Once upon a time I lived for video games. I bought them and consumed them. I spent most of my time playing and trying to finish these games. Back in 2006 I stopped playing entirely for several months. The day I stopped was after a particularly exciting Madden Football game. I won the game and it meant the end of the season–the end of the franchise. In other words, I wasn’t going to be able to play with those characters again. I needed to start over or simply wait till the next game came out. I started to wonder why I was playing at all? I mean I enjoyed the game but it didn’t matter at all. I wasn’t even playing against other people. It may have bee the first time I reflected on my gaming habits in any serious way.

That reflection began with the question, “So what?” in other words, now that I’ve finished the game, so what? I didn’t have a good answer. I wasn’t gaining anything from the game but a major distraction. The next step was to make a list of pros and cons having to do with the game itself. I listed all the reasons I played and all the things I missed out on because of playing so many bloody games. The list helped me to strike a comfortable balance between games and the rest of my life. I don’t game nearly as much anymore, but I recognize the ‘so what’ there is ‘so it makes me happy’.

This model of reflecting on various aspects of your life and searching for meaning in your actions is useful. Most of the time we do things we are doing them out of habit. Well, not all habits are good and even fewer are good for us. You need to close the loop on your actions by reflecting and deciding if what and how you’re doing this is best for you. We all can learn a lot from self examination.

It might sound like a line from a poem a creeper would write before sneaking into your house to smell your sheets, but it is more rooted in the ideas of Jacques Derrida than Jeffery Dahmer. The more I drift through life the more convinced I become that the way I experience life is unique to me just as the way each individual experiences life is unique to them. In that sense we are not living in a shared reality but are merely sharing an understanding of the signposts of that reality. This is true on many different levels–from the way we see and feel physical items all the way to the more interpretive emotional states that exist within ourselves and between people.

Though we may chose to abide by a shared set of morals and principles, how we see those things and how we see the action of one another are completely individual perceptions. Once the doors close and we are tucked away from the world we are left to ponder the easy ideas of ‘what does it mean to me?’ For example: When I heard about the Sandy Hook shooting, my reaction was to wonder about the kids and their families. For others it was a call to anger, a fight about gun control. To others it was a conspiracy that needed to be outed.

We view people differently. We measure life differently, and wealth differently. We can look at the same night sky and come up with a billion different interpretations. We can read the same book and love it or hate it depending on who we are and where we come from. I believe the world is a singular organism and each of us are its eyes through which it sees 6 billion different worlds, and six billion different night skies, and 6 billion divergent lives. Each of us is living just one.

Jennifer Lawrence returned to the world of the Hunger Games and brought along another Lawrence (unrelated). The addition of Francis Lawrence to the film team as director is the catalyst for making this film a far brighter film than the first. As someone who generally finds the book to be far superior than the film, I for once had a hard time holding fast to that mentality. While far from perfect, Hunger Games 2.0 takes the character story to the place where I wish they’d gone from the start.

In my mind the Hunger Games is a love triangle built on the backdrop of a revolution story. The series focuses on the world of Panem, a post apocalyptic society composed of 13 districts responsible for the production of various things necessary to the continuation of life, and the Capitol district, the law making district where the aristocracy thrive. In the first book we meet Katniss Everdeen, a teen who volunteers to partake in the murderous hunger games in order to save her sister from having to participate. Now if you haven’t seen the first one, you shouldn’t be reading this. So, stop before I remind you that…

 

 

The first film ends with Katniss and Peeta (the other participant from her district) winning the games together. The second film completely evolves the first film by delving into the relationship between Katniss and Peeta as well as Katniss and her first love, Gale. This love triangle is core to the understanding of the character story and while being the source of the first movie, it was largely undervalued visually and in terms of story time by the first movie in exchange for more battle time on screen.

In the second film the screen time is spent developing the character relationships and wowing us with incredible makeup and costuming effects. So much of the story is told through the setting here that it mutes the need to say too much about the rebellion and even hunger games side of the story. What we see tells a world tale. What we hear is a wonderful love story.

Some Thoughts:

1. I’ve been meaning to put together some pieces for theMaricopan.com, a growing local blog that is more representative of life in this small city (or large town?) than anything else I’ve encountered so far. Soon, young padawans. Soon…

Playoff time in the fantasy world. This is the best season for it as there is a great deal of parity on both sides of the league. We’re not likely to see teams resting starters to prep for the playoffs. At this point the 5-7 New York Giants have a legitimate playoff chance and even a shot a winning the division (should they win out). Yep, its that kind of season, which means its going to be that kind of playoff battle in the fantasy world.

My team was solid through the first 6 weeks and then went 3-4 over the last seven. Our decline began when Vick stopped playing, but it didn’t end there. Now my crew is dangerously close to being knocked out of the first round–a possibility that rests entirely on the shoulders of the once-great Ray Rice. It is there I’ll begin my weekly pics.

MIN over BAL
Numbers don’t lie, and Rice’s numbers have been abysmal. The Ravens have become a one-dimensional team. Be it Rice or any one of the nameless backups, they simply cannot run. Minnesota runs just fine, which is where I believe the difference will be felt.

HOU over JAC
Not worth saying much here. Wack on Wack crime.

CIN over IND
This has direct playoff implications. I dumped the IND D recently, because of how the IND running game was playing. They’ve fixed some of those problems, but I am not convinced there is enough balance to slow the CIN D.

GB over ATL
Matt Flynn rides again.

CLE over NE
Surprise call here. I feel like CLE is a real sleeper team who can take advantage of mismatches through good coaching. If they can shut down Gronk, i’m saying there’s a chance.

OAK over NYJ
I saw what OAK did to DAL. Romo is much better than whoever the Jets end up putting back there.

DET over PHI
Philly is playing well, but the DET line is due for some serious sack time. Foles cracks easily once touched, and he will be touched quite a bit.

PIT over MIA
Another playoff implications game. PIT is coming on strong while MIA is, well, M.I.A.

BUF over TB
Wack Bowl II

WAS over KC
This is about the QB game. RGIII is looking to rebound big and he will.

DEN over TEN
After the last few passing efforts Manning ought to do a remake of ‘Say my name’

AZ over STL
a must win.

NYG over SD
Another MUST win.

SF over SEA
I like what I’m seeing from Seattle, but the SF passing game did look pretty last week. This will be close.

CAR over NO
CAR is the real deal all of a sudden.

CHI over DAL
DAL is not the real deal.

Some Thoughts:

1. They don’t make movies like Heat anymore. They could. They should. Haven’t seen anything like it.
2. I wear too many damn hats. Cramps this whole idea of identity, y’know?

I’ve been in a deeply introspective mood as of late. Call it a result of my brief hiatus from writing (I’ve been needling away at a fantasy novel, but I’ve written nothing for print since the Shadowrun Returns Anthology and Shadowrun 5 Sourcebook). Yesterday’s discussion  about relationships tipped me towards a deeper revelation about the connections between people and how we are all woven together. I coach a lot of sports and the joy of each of these pee-wee seasons are determined not by the quality of the players but the quality of the parents. Having just gotten hold of my three rosters for this season I’m excited to say it should be a great season. In truth, it may be the best I’ve had. I’m looking forward to working with the kids and forming tighter bonds with the parents.

This could be why I left NY in the first place. The opportunities for real interaction in a small town like Maricopa are so much greater than in NYC, even if it doesn’t always happen. At the same time the opportunity to have the space to close a door and slip away into the world of a writer is an equal draw.

I’m rambling, but I am also coming to grips with the idea that I need to share my words and whatever stories are living inside of me. Be it through conversation, blog, or story I have to let the words sing, because the alternative is to be swallowed by my own creations.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. The rampant commercialization of the Hunger Games films is gross. Seriously. Cover Girl has a ‘Capitol Collection.’ That aint right.
2. Life was so much simpler when all I had to worry about was if my girlfriend’s mom would let her out and if I finished my homework.

I can’t point to a specific TV show, movie, book, or video game, but somewhere along the line I became convinced that a happy life ought to include car chases and jumping out of planes. I built my early life around the theory that exciting is better. There were sports, and DJ gigs, and crazy parties. I watched a friend drive his car up the school steps. I got mugged for a quarter, mugged again for a skateboard, and shoplifted more candy than I care to remember. I made out with a perfect stranger on a Greyhound bus. I tipped a cow. I watched two friends battle for a girls hand and honor in a cornfield. I drove a car at 100 MPH from the passenger’s seat while the driver hung his butt out the window to moon everyone we zipped by. Every moment of it was exciting, but the best part was always after when I sat with friends and retold the story. Looking back on it, the telling wasn’t what made things great. It was the time with friends that mattered.

I make friends easily, but keeping them is another matter entirely. I tend to lack a filter, which is a problem in most social settings, and tell people exactly how I feel, which is a problem everywhere. The more I gain (and lose) friendships I’m struck by their importance in my life. It occurs to me now that it was always that way, and I always managed to have a handful of people who I was extremely close to (read: could tolerate me in manageable doses).

I’m at a point in my life where close local friendships are at the lowest number they’ve been, and it reminds me how important those things are to me. We deem to define ourselves by our talents and position but we are and always will be defined by my associations. I tend to live by my associations, meaning who I am around directly effects my quality of life. and right now, though the herd is thin, the herd is good.

Some Thoughts:

1. J.H. Whyman was smoking that PhillipK. Dick stuff when he came up with Almost Human. It plays like Blade Runner meets Fringe, and is slowly growing on me. Like I really need another show. On the other hand, it further proves that the world is ready for a Shadowrun TV show.

 

 

This is generally the best week of the season for me. The last week of class is a time to reflect on the awesomeness that transpired over the course of a semester and think ahead to what Machiavellian schemes may come in the next. This one is different. I’m witnessing a lot of change around the campus that points to ‘life as usual’ being completely over. For one, a co-worker who I care a great deal for is leaving and with her leaves the spirit of the center she leads. Between you, me, and the web, I have my doubts if it will ever be as good as it is with her leading the way. Her departure definitely leaves me questioning my own goals on campus. My number one priority is to reach students and make sure they walk out of my classroom better learners than when they walked in. This should be enough, but it never is. You can’t be just a teacher as a residential faculty member. You are always looked to for more. At the University level you’re looked to for publications and fund-raising. At the JuCo level you’re looked to for leading initiatives and showing involvement and engagement in everything set forth in your path. Of course that level of engagement diminishes the amount of time and effort you put towards any particular engagement, leading to weak production in all.

Maybe then I want to be remembered as the guy who did a few things really really well as opposed to the guy who did a whole lot but really didn’t do much of anything.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. Paul Walker is dead and perhaps with him the Fast and Furious franchise. At the heart of the series is the relationship between Walker and Diesel–best exemplified by the (relative) failure of the films that did not have one or the other. However, there is a silver lining here. The structure of the last film allowed for several main characters to be killed off in 7. I wondered how good of a film 7 could even be if we went into it knowing that the villain (Bad ass Jason Statham) wouldn’t really be allowed to off main characters. What threat could he be if all he does is ex out secondary characters? And what secondary characters at that? I mean, they brought in Rhonda Rousey to be the foil to Rodriguez, so I’m led to believe this is a crew on crew battle. That being said, now that Walker has passed, they need to find a way to have him pass in the film. This will require script changes, but it will ultimately raise the threat level of the villain and validate the whole film.