Month: April 2016

I’ve been pretty happy lately, and I think a lot of that has to do with how I’ve been allowing myself to feel and think lately. It can be very easy to slip into despair based on the problems in your life and work and the habits you’ve developed. I let myself go there from time to time, falling upon this foolish feeling of woe and, on top of all that, anger at simple people. Scroll back about a thousand posts and you’ll see me write, “never let an asshole rent space in your head.” Well, I offered a condo with an eyeball view. It all comes back to having good people around you that remind you that you are capable of great things as opposed to people who drown you in drama, negativity, and the proclivity to remind you of how incredible they are, even when they aren’t.

So, bad people and energy gone, what is it I’m focused on these days? I’m excited to see my mid kid enter the football playoffs for the second straight season. He’s with a new team, same league, same results. I have seen so much more personal improvement and joy from him this year. I’m not quite certain if he is there as a leader yet, but he is clearly trying to be that as well, and I like it. Two more weeks of football and its on to summer break for me. I like that even more.

This summer is about reading and exploring new authors and making connections that I can use to vastly improve the quality of my classroom both F2F and online. Its funny, I was hoping for this to be the best semester in some time and it turned out to be the worst–perhaps ever. Nothing but drama, lack of engagement, and poor time management. I know I’m better than that, but this semester clearly hasn’t demonstrated it.

Some Thoughts:

1. Still on that late night posting kick. I guess I ought to say it to myself: Come on, man!

Before I put wine to lips (and cheesecake to gut) I need to get a few things off my chest.

Hillary Clinton is on the verge of being the first female president. If we let her. I think we should. I think We should make Bernie her VP in order to keep that progressive democratic agenda at the surface of the administration. We need that influx of ideas to prevent Clinton’s flat, old school political, business as usual agenda. She is someone who wont really move us forward without a bernie bouy, but she is absolutely not someone who will push us back into the stone age or create a sitation where we are bombed back there.

Nobody wants that.

Some Thoughts:

1. Kids aren’t quite ready to get rid of the cat. Or take care of it. She’s sure good with critters though. Ultimately, it comes down to creating an environment for the family and I’m going to do that, even if it means Skittles has to find a new home. Allergies are a big deal.

Once upon a time I was a writer. I poured ideas into the internet like coffee from a carafe. I was all about the idea. I wanted to fill notebooks with the thoughts I had and the stories I could write and then I wanted to fill webpages with the stories people should hear and see and the games they could develop off these ideas. It started to die off with the dumpshock forums and got worse the more I wrote for the Shadowrun game I loved so much. At first I thought the well of ideas was drying up because I was running out of ideas. Some of that is true. Some of it is fatigue. Most of it is laziness and the changes largely triggered by the changes in my body composition. I write best when I feel best and have the wealth of energy to do so. I also write best when I allow myself to be in a position to care about writing and being healthy and accepting love first and foremost in my life.

Where I went wrong was thinking that I didn’t have the energy to do any of that. Deep down I think I knew the idea archive was my green ring, and I think that a lot of my writing impotence as of late has to do with this failure to constantly generate new ideas; it represents a failure to take advantage of the world happening around me and cultivate that into idea. In many ways it also represents me getting involved in the petty politics and elementary school level emotional drama of the workplace. This last bit of self awareness is a dramatic shift away from the guy who wanted to be everybody’s friend and spent the majority of his time doing so. I’m a writer and teacher, so that is where my hours need to go.

Some Thoughts:

1. I’m starting to like this cat. Pity she has to go. The allergies are far too much of an issue to have her remain a part of the family. The boys have to come first.

I’ve noticed the tendency of internet news sources to make a very big deal out of nothing. I think it has to do with the fact that there isn’t enough saleable news to go around in a 24 hour cycle filled with watered down internet outlets and automated news bots writing crap articles. This isn’t to say that there should be no more internet news, but to say that the idea of news itself has, well, shifted in a way that consistently makes us less intelligent as a culture and perhaps even a species. The problem therein is that we aren’t changing the system. In truth we are making it worse by insuring that news remains based on what sells and not based upon some (albeit arbitrary) point of view on what needs to matter to a national populace.

I often sound like a communist when I say such things. I get that government control is the devil–especially in our culture. Americans love the idea of freedom, but few are aware that this perceived freedom exists within the confines of acceptable behaviors and those behaviors that are, without fail, set by corporate entities who have the bottom line to worry about and not the cultural point of view.

Some Thoughts:

1. I refuse to do tomorrow’s post while this tired. I likewise fail to understand why the early onset fatigue. It seems to be growing as I step back from the late night coffee crowd.

 

 

Starting to pull it together a bit more during these evenings where I’m up to some ungodly hour. I’m also getting the hand of prioritizing. That’s something I can use. I can also use a few minutes to jot down…

 

Some Thoughts:

1. The wise man is the one who rides the free HBO service for a month and the proceedes to pay absolute rock bottom for said service through negotiation with and manipulation of the Directv personnel, playing on their intrinsic (read: scripted and internalized) understanding of your value as a long time customer. I will have my Game of Thrones.
2. After nearly a week, this proof of concept 2000 calorie diet is completely doable. I believe I’ll be down five pounds by tuesday and I don’t feel all that hungry ever. Next, I have to start looking at what kind of calories I’m putting in my body. Ending the night on a slice of cheesecake wasn’t epic. Still, I am proud of myself for saving enough calories in order to make that moment a reality.
3. Speaking of proud, I’m super proud of my boys. Their athlete side is starting to show. The mid in particular deserves a shout. The kid played a morning rec league soccer game in an older age bracket (10-12 and he turned 9 this month) and managed two goals. Later that day he went on to rip of a great TD run and 1 pt conversion. This is on top of playing excellent defense.
4. At some point I’m going to have to stop announcing he’s so young for his age bracket. I mean, either you play with them or not. They don’t care how old you are…

Its been about 6 hours since I’ve wanted to punch my nutritionist in the face. Don’t worry, she’s fine. I’m kind of fine, but not entirely. Going from what is apparently a 5000+ calorie daily intake to under 2k can make a person straight up ornery. Yet I’ve been at it for a few days and I think I can do this. I also think I understand why foodies are the way they are. If you’re not really eating much then the one good meal you get ought to set your taste buds afire with energy.

I’m not eating much, but I have been reminded of the arrival of a calorie limit, to a boys who are literally and figuratively hungry.

Ten minutes aint what it was anymore. It is a problem.

I started a calorie restriction diet as a way to figure out what garbage was going into my body on a daily basis. Turns out I eat a lot and a lot means that there is a good chance I can slim down by not eating so much. Part of that not eating means avoiding night coffee, which is why ten minutes of writing is taking longer and longer these days. I just don’t have the mental stamina to do anything but stare at a screen and pass out.

I will have to start correcting this in  the morning.

So cometh the time for drafting. Not fantasy drafting–not yet–but the age old ritual of setting men upon blocks and agreeing who shall work for whom for a period of no less than four years. This year there is a lot of excitement at the top. Through the sheer force of media coverage, two quarterbacks have been deemed the first two picks in the draft. Meanwhile two teams have leveraged their futures for the chance to draft 1 and 2 respectively. The Rams spent a ton of picks to draft up to #1. The Eagles followed up today by trading into the #2 spot. Both teams are in need of a future QB, though it is unclear who is looking for someone to compete on Day 1 and who is looking for someone to compete in year three. The Eagles may be looking for a succession plan, and see either Wentz or Goff as the guy to lead them down the road.

How we arrived here remains a bit of a mystery to me. I’ve seen the same tape the experts have and I can tell you that there are at least five QB’s who could be the real deal. None of them seem worthy of the first pick however. I feel like that pick has to go towards a sure thing–a draft predictable position like offensive line. Notice I didn’t say D-Line and invoke the wrath of Jadaveon ‘I ain’t worth the pck’ Clowney.

I feel like the QB’s will go one and two. Maybe it becomes a Manning and Rivers quality draft. Maybe these guys are just a couple of Ryan Leaf’s. Either way, the real excitement is about who the Chargers take at three. Good luck, Laremy Tunsil.

I am writing this as I wait for my Madden Mobile bids to clear. A curious practice to be sure, but one that has brought me a surprising level of joy in recent weeks. I suppose I just enjoy the challenge of a new game–especially one that can be picked up and put aside so easily. I’ve learned that there are certain benefits to being a west coast time zone player–specifically in regards to late night auctions. Most of the country is already asleep and you can go ahead an pluck the top talent with the fervor of someone who knows there are only a handful of competitors out there. Such is the gamer life.

The teacher life is more complicated. I spent the semester very concerned about being better in the classroom and I have been in some instances. I am strongest when working collaboratively. I really enjoy watching my class interact with other classes and going head to head in competitive academics. I feel like this is something I need to continue and see it out until I discover the pedagogical theory lurking there.

The Dad life is far more complex. I am attempting to put myself and thus my kids into a healthier lifestyle both physically and mentally. This means supporting them as they do sports they enjoy and pushing them to appreciate more STEM based interactions and especially cultivate a desire for reading and liberal arts. I don’t think I have been especially effective on that last part.

Still, the boys are coming around to recognizing that I am a writer and hopefully they can take that next step and decide they enjoy writing itself.

Monday can be pleasant. You can find the joy in a monday morning, afternoon, evening, letting the hours move through you as the joy of the coming week builds.

Or, Monday can be horrible. Pablo Neruda writes,

“That’s why Monday, when it sees me coming
with my convict face, blazes up like gasoline,
and it howls on its way like a wounded wheel,
and leaves tracks full of warm blood leading toward the
night.”

There is as much made of mondays as is made of 4 AM as is made of many superstitions. China’s 4 and our thirteen and all the spaces in between where man is supposed to be fearful, or angry, or worn out. I think it can be a lot like the idea of God in that sense. We create meaning for the days and times and holidays and relationships. We extend our hands into the emptiness and hope something grabs us so that we may grab back and not feel so alone.

Mondays can be depressing as well. Mondays could be the day we stare deep into the week and think, “Can I make it through the next few days? Can I survive until the weekend?” Then that weekend comes and the cycle begins anew.

Luckily, I’m not that guy. I’m the guy who sees morning as a chance to start over and do something new, something different and interesting. Once, I decided to try a new word every week, writing that word into everything I could for the entire week and moving to the next word. It lasted a month and forced me to read into my giant dusty dictionary. It also felt kinda artificial, but kinda good at the same time.

That’s the thing about monday. It can be anything you imagine it to be. Monday is the embodiment of beginnings and opportunity and the dawn breaking thrill of possibility. Monday kicks Tuesday’s ass.