Month: November 2018

I really and truly have nothing to say. I’m considering just writing nothing for the next ten minutes. That is an important action to take, in fact. Every well established writer I’ve listened to talks about the importance of routine. You have to come to the page every day and try to get something–anything–down. Even if what comes out of you is garbage or drivel, at least something is happening. 

If only I could instill that kind of dedication in my kids. Don’t get me wrong, they are dedicated to video games and youtube to the point of abject idiocy, but neither are giving them any sort of life advantage or experiences. The skills they learn in Fortnite and Call of Duty are limited at best and don’t expand to the point of any realistic gain. I suppose I could argue they are learning that practice makes perfect, but they are simultaneously learning that practice ought to be fun in order to have any real value and that is simply untrue.

Which brings us back to where I am now: grinding out six more minutes of writing in spite of having no desire to do so. 

I am planning to apply for a sabbatical next year. The plan is to write a novel but beyond the novel itself to develop a daily plan for anyone wishing to write a novel or develop a lifestyle around discipline and creation. It ought to be transcribable for business, music, or anything. In essence I’m plotting a way of life. That begins with the central tenet of write no matter what followed by having measured short a long term rewards. What those long term rewards are beyond the work itself is unknown. 

Some Thoughts:

1. I’m alone in this time zone for now. I don’t like that feeling. I do like the feeling that out there under the same stars is a woman who loves me as much as I, her.

Maybe politics is for the old. I’m in my 40’s now and I am definitely focused on the governance of the nation. I’m also completely disappointed in that governance. I’m not one of those who believe Obama was perfect or that Bush Jr. did everything wrong. I do feel like Trump has burned through all of the political capital the former two built up. I do feel like Trump has fooled a portion of the nation into thinking he’s doing a good job. In some ways he is doing a good job. He is helping corporate America do very well. He is helping the rich get richer. However, he is only helping the middle class appear to do better by throwing money at the situation. 

Has anyone stopped to ask where the money is coming from?

To quote The Balance, “The U.S. federal budget deficit for fiscal year 2019 is $985 billion. FY 2019 covers October 1, 2018, through September 30, 2019. The deficit occurs because the U.S. government spending of $4.407 trillion is higher than its revenue of $3.422 trillion.” The gap there has widened from last year by .13 Trillion dollars. That is a leap.

So, in a sense this election was a referendum on Trump, but not from the people who aren’t listening and are not educated. It was the thinking men and women of our nation who stood up and said, ‘we need checks and balances.’ Now that the Dems hold congress we will see if this man truly has mastered the art of the deal, or if he falls back to bully and blame.

Some Thoughts:

1. I have a giant pile of grading waiting for me and let me just say that it has largely been overlooked. I completed grading an essay today and didn’t make a dent in the pile. I cannot wait until this is all gone and I can focus in on writing and get back to thinking about how I balance my life.
2. The best part of my life is going very well right now, and that makes the rest of it entirely bearable.

So, Dez is a Saint. Now there is a man with something to prove to the league. Saints play the Cowboys on 11/29, and that is going to be some kind of show. Think Demaryius Thomas in the first half last weekend. Speaking of once-great receivers, the Joe Horn celebration was an epic moment and really made football fun for me again. 

This weekend ought to be fun as well. The Giants are back in action on Monday night against the surging San Francisco 49rs. Of course, the concept of a 2-7 team surging is silliness. In actuality they won a game against a really bad Raiders team who doesn’t even have Beast Mode on the active roster. So, the G-men actually have a chance to win this one. I’m definitely recording it.

Sam Darnold was exposed this past week to the tune of 4 pics. He threw 3 two weeks before and it is becoming increasing clear that teams have figured out how to stop him and the only teams he is effective against are the ones with a horrible run D. He’s had a passer rating above 80 only 3 times this season. That’d be Colts, Lions, Broncos. The latter was a game in which he completed 45% of his throws and was supported by a rushing effort of 323 total yards. That isn’t about Darnold being good. That’s Crowell averaging 14 yards a carry and the Broncos basically gave up on pass defense and crowded the box (to no avail). 

Darnold sucks. He’s injured this week and as a result the Bills will need to face a real QB who is simply kicking back and collecting a paycheck. This will likely be a Jets win and the team will act like it wasn’t about Darnold being a suck QB. 

I’m calling it right now: Saints v. Chiefs in the Super Bowl. The final 4 will be Saints, Rams, Patriots, and Chiefs.

This is the day that the media has been pitching as a referendum on Trump. Here in AZ the vote is merely a reminder that educated people are consistently favoring the progressive or democratic candidates. The latest exit polls from the tight senate race argue that white voters are in lock step with the Trump pics. Part of me wants to attribute this to religion. The Mormon faith is in lock step on a lot of political issues and when that body decides to vote in one direction it feels like few are likely to buck the trend. What does this mean for Sinema? That remains to be seen. What I know is that the race is razor thin and likely to be decided by less than 10,000 votes. Every vote counts. At this point in my life I believe that and recognize my own agency in directing change in the world. I did not do anything to help Clinton, because I didn’t like her all that much. However, things are no longer as simple as that. We need to have leadership that is leading for the interests of the many and not simply the few. 

I respect Clinton, and I feel like her intelligence far exceeds that of which we were left with. That matters. Our standing in the world matters. Not being a bully matters. Voting absolutely matters.

Some Thoughts:

1. Further evidence that I’m basically done for the semester: While it is clearly voting day, I forgot it was Tuesday no less than three times today. 
2. Lost my phone on Monday and did not recover it until this evening. The beauty of that experience was not being beholden to anyone. Being out of contact is a kind of freedom that offers the opportunity to feel like you can focus on whatever you want and not what everyone else wants from you. I prefer that life.

It is a generous understatement to say that I am absolutely underwater in terms of grading and planning. In truth, I’ve drowned, died, and become a coral reef. Still, the work has to get done before the end of the semester. How? That truly remains to be seen. I think that being so behind is near the heart of why I haven’t been writing. I can translate a lot of my emotional turmoil to the page. Writing is cathartic; grading is not. 

Some Thoughts:

1. My youngest is on a new football team and it was interesting and exciting to see how quickly he gave that team hope. He scored all four of their touchdowns against what was the top team in the league. His team lost but his scoring has since dropped that other team to the #2 seed, all but guaranteeing a first round playoff rematch. There is a good chance his team’s offense and defense undergo a remake prior to the rematch and the changes proposed means they have an excellent shot at winning the rematch. 
2. My mid kid is having a great time on his squad but it seems they have no chance of making the playoffs and extending their season. Unfortunate. It leaves me with a tough choice on what game to watch for the final week of the season, as both play at the same time. Sadly, one is a road game and the younger is a home game, so it is more of a problem to leave him at home than it is for the older. A lot to consider there…

So, first watch this. Now read this. And this. Now I will say that this is one of the instances where FOX provides a more measured coverage than CNN. I see this on occasion when the subject matter is ripe to be sensationalized. Remember the missing flight MH370? What I really want to talk about, however, is the situation itself. Strip away the interpretations provided by the various news outlets and what you are left with is a teacher who takes a swing at a student and a student who actively tries to provoke a teacher into a violent confrontation. That narrative is best told by this article. However, what we don’t know is what will happen next for both parties nor what are the particular social histories that led to this happening in the first place.

Let’s be honest with ourselves. We live in a country where being a teacher is seen as a ‘less than’ profession. It is more prestigious to become a nurse than to educate our youth. I personally believe that this is the ‘fault’ of the media given the high number of TV shows glorifying the medical field and the relative anonymity of teaching. In truth teaching is usually associated with negative feelings while nurses ‘save lives’. This is not a knock on nursing, but a point of comparison both salary and socio-professional street cred-wise of jobs that have a secondary layer. Teachers can also be College Professors. Nurses can become Doctors. When there is that layer of elevation I would argue that the so-called entry layer tends to be seen in a lesser light than the upper echelon achievement. In this particular case, being a teacher is not seen in any positive light. Because people hate school to begin with. They hate hospitals too, making both work environments places people do not want to end up. 

Back to the punch.

The dude punches the kid after a great deal of provocation. He is expected, as a teacher, to do anything else but what he did. Yet he decided to fall back into stereotypical masculinity and throw a punch. Once the punch was thrown he had sank to the kid’s level. Personally, I am glad the kid got his ass beat. As I said earlier, people lack respect for teachers in our culture. Unfortunately, this is not likely to engender any more respect. 

A year ago this week launched one of the worst periods of my life. In many ways what transpired is why I am on the 3rd iteration of the rule. When a person is really deeply and fully in love and that partner decides to walk away it can break you. It broke me. I’m writing a few feet away from the spot where I spent entire days without moving. I was destroyed and unwilling to do anything but go through the paces of life for the sake of those in my life who still mattered. 

The thing is, I don’t blame her. 

From top to bottom the entire way things went down was my fault. I’ve never been a good partner. I’m selfish in an unconscious way. I’m complicated to a fault. I need recognition, influence, and instant gratification. These are the reasons I coach. It fulfills all of those needs. It also complicates everything else in my life, because of the focus I allow athletics to have on my way of life. I continue to believe there is room in my life for more than that. I see it everyday in the many quiet moments spent wasted. These days I fill those moments with bad television or other equally bad habits that have nothing to do with the things I ought to be doing with my time (I ought to be writing when I have time that I cannot spend with my partner or our family or at least grading during those hours). 

She left because I couldn’t give her any form of consistency or even a shadow of the kind of life she wanted. I wanted to find common ground, but I don’t think she believed that exists. It does. There is a way and a rhythm that comes with bringing everything to the table, sorting it out, and deciding what to keep and what to focus on in order to find that small island of happiness.

As cheesy as it must sound, love is an island easily washed away by the tides of daily life. You have to dig in and hold on to each other less you be washed away and drown the way I did a year ago. 

That isn’t the end of my love story. Mine continues to this day. Sometimes it limps along and sometimes it is strong and filled with the kind of passion and connection that fuels stories. Still beneath it all lies a pain that I caused–a hurt that I don’t believe has fully healed and one that I fail to fully recognize. 

I was listening to an audiobook this morning on the way home and marveling at the use of language. Writers–really good ones–have a specific voice that, while influenced by others, is unique to them. The beauty of that is that every book is an opportunity–a reminder that the voice is a large part of the story and that it is important for a writer to cultivate voice.

To be honest, I struggle with believing in my own voice. It isn’t a case of feeling like I’m mimicking other writers but recognizing how hard it is to fall into voice. This is especially hard on first draft when I am just trying to get the ideas down on paper. That is part of why I outline. However, getting into that sense of voice is why I write. I want to be in the bubble where I can feel the characters and feel like a narrator recounting their stories. That space was easier to find as a kid who didn’t care for anything but letting it flow out. It is harder now that age and effort have worn me down. 

I wonder how writers keep that youthful will going?

Some Thoughts:

1. Stumbled across Znation this morning. It is not good but it is addictive in that The 100 sort of sense. Basically we are talking about the bad soap opera version of the Walking Dead. Yeah, I know exactly how that reads.
2. Yeah, it is gonna suck me right in and that is a bad thing… just say no.

I really want a cup of coffee. The problem is we are way past my bedtime and nearly on the wrong side of midnight. Still, I want a coffee and I want to stay up all night doing lord knows what. I feel like one of King’s character’s from Insomnia save for the fact that I want to not sleep. There is no real reason for the desire, but here we are.

I fell asleep a few hours ago, long after I put the kids to bed. I was laying in my own bed and listening to Andrew Cuomo prattle on angrily about Trump when I felt myself going. I let it happen for a while and then pulled myself out. I hadn’t blogged. I hadn’t taken any real time to myself. I suppose the sleep was a version of me time, but not a version that left me feeling any real satisfaction beyond basic refreshment. I suppose it is that basic refreshment that has me up this evening watching a ton of marginal to terrible TV. 

So I suppose the moral of the story is that I need proper recharge. Bad TV isn’t entirely good, but it is something. 

Apparently players still try to take matters into their own hands in the NFL. Take the sad case of Ty Montgomery. The elusive RB/WR from the GB Packers decided to take a kickoff out of the end zone after, reportedly, being told to down the ball. Instead of 12 getting the rock for yet another amazing comeback, Ty fumbled. Game over. Packers career over as he was traded soon after. This was a message: Do what coach says, or we won’t put up with your shit. This is the same sort of message going around the NFL this week. The ‘shit’ in question varies from salary to noise to whatever. A number of high profile players are on the move to new teams this week and the fantasy world is reeling.

Long time Broncos great Demaryius Thomas leads off the wire, because he was traded to the Texans who the Broncos play this week at home. You see the story implications? The Broncos plan to honor the man during the game, and the steal a line from Jarvis Landry, Thomas plans to ‘bless em’ during the game as well. Thomas has a great deal to reconcile about this trade and I think that, though he has not discovered a rhythm with D. Watson, he is going to play and going to score at least once this weekend. I’ll be sure to watch this tilt. 

Meanwhile the Giants fire sale wasn’t the only one to benefit defenses. The pack shed Ha-ha Clinton Dix, losing the best name in football and a top ball hawk. The Jags gave up a top pass rusher in Dante Fowler, relinquishing a player who was not even getting minutes for them but will thrive on the Rams D. 

It is that kidn of week in the NFL and the fantasy world benefits.