Here is the truth: I woke up every day this week openly wondering what I had to look forward to. Save for a few moments with my partner the answer turned out to be very little. The depression continues to be a real thing. It isn’t so much about a chemical imbalance but a purpose deficiency. I stopped caring about video games so much. I stopped investing my heart into youth football (I’m just here so I don’t get fined, but I will do a great job and prove my worth while I am). The writing has long been in a place of flux, so it wasn’t enough to make me excited to get up in the morning.
So I’ve turned to fitness.
This is not the ‘washboard abs’ moment. No, I recognize that I weigh 20-30 lbs more than I want to and I intend to shed that weight and try to remain spry. I guess the kicker was realizing that despite not eating all that much food anymore, I am gaining more than losing. That is entirely about an open lack of activity. I feel like any chemically based depression is grounded in that as well. It is hard to completely sort it all out, but I have to believe that part of how I feel every day is the result of how my body feels every day. If I can turn that around just a little then I can start to feel better about this life I was given (on loan I suppose, because in the end that life force is taken back).
So this is my real fitness moment. I don’t entirely know what that means for me. I think I am going to take a walk around the block once I’m done here. Then I’m going to stretch a bit and try not to overdo things all at once. I have to do this gradually if I expect to develop it into a habit. All the tools are already lying about the house or loaded on to the phone–I’ve been marinating the idea for a terribly long time–and now is the opportunity to step forward and make something happen.