Lately my life has been in tremendous upheaval. Most of the people I consider friends have fallen away. My closest relationships are not what I want them to be and, since I’m being honest, not a healthy situation for anyone involved. Throughout all of this I have been clinging to am outdated idea of what happiness looks like to me. It is not that my idea of happiness is wrong, but instead my idea of happiness is unachievable. What I want is to be part of something larger in a familial sense. What I want is to come home to the love of my life and share my evening with her and wake up with her in my arms.
None of that is possible.
What is possible is to take the time to redefine what is going to make me happy in life. I know what isn’t possible. I know what is not going to make me happy. But what is? Long I’ve structured my life around other people and relationships. For example, a base level of happiness required me to be in a loving relationship (read: family and someone to come home to). I have no desire to go out and look for that again. There are two reasons for that. First, I won’t find anything as good as I had, because what I had was amazing, special, and once in a lifetime kind of love. Second, I have no desire to intertwine my life with another person. I don’t have the energy or desire to develop a love for them and their family and deal with their history. Bonus: I have stupid high standards and one person meets them. Lowering those standards is settling for something and I am not devoting my heart if I am merely settling. Honestly, I don’t have a heart to give anymore as it has already been given.
So, love is off the table. Writing ought to be that thing that fills the space, but again, if I’m being honest, writing does not make me happy anymore. I don’t get that thrill from writing. It doesn’t make me feel like I belong. It isn’t something I look forward to doing. I still do it because I have to and because I hope that one day I will want to again.
At least I’ve reached the point where I know what isn’t going to be that force for happiness in my life and I am allowing myself the freedom and the space to discover what is. I am also allowing myself the freedom and space to discover that it could be nothing. Often people can’t find what makes them happy or that ship has sailed. They live with the regret of it and wallow until they die. I’m not going to wallow if I learn that I’ve blown it completely. I’ll merely surrender and devote myself back to making others happy, so at least someone gets to be.