7.368. FreeWrite Friday

This week we’re focused on 45 year old Jake Harrison, a former high school football player and former high school coach who retired from coaching after two bad seasons in a row and moved on to selling real estate in pursuit of stabilizing his family. You see Texas, like Florida, is serious football country. You don’t just lay ball down there–it is a way of life. Harrison was a standout 5A DivisionII coach. He earned the job from a principal who believed in him and needed someone the school community knew to take over the program after the old HC passed away suddenly. While there were people all over the nation who wanted the job, Harrison was someone the community knew and trusted. After all, he was the man who quarterbacked their only state championship. So, they took a chance.

Harrison did well. In fact, he was a big time winner. His sudden departure from the team after a second straight early playoff exit stemmed from a number of factors, few of which he’s chosen to disclose. The party line is that the game took too much time away from his family. So he needed to step away from the game and focus on his business–the business of selling real estate.

Harrison is a stern man but known to break character and try to have a good time. He is a church goer and a volunteer. On the surface he ticks off all the boxes of the perfect Texan. The real question is: what lies beneath?

7.367.

I’ve been thinking a bunch about my teaching–specifically about the longstanding issues I’ve had with running a 16 week class. I lose the thread in parts, and I think I good deal of that has to do with planning and how I plan it. I talk about planning the class in 4 week chunks, but haven’t. I talk about doing a lot of things differently, but in the end my work hours go to semi-last minute prep, grading, and making sure I am doing enough beyond the classroom to justify that I receive a salary. If I was an adjunct it would be purely about the in-classroom work, but the expectation of faculty is that you do more. I love the idea of that, but I need to get right in the classroom. No, my classes don’t suck. They also don’t live up to my personal expectations.

I’ve found that a great deal of my life on a daily basis does not live up to my personal expectations. Some of that is due the the conditions and people around me, but if I have learned anything from years of first being in then being a counselor, I’ve learned that I have to accept the things I cannot change and maintain focus on the factors within my control. For example, my current schedule argues that I must produce 1 chapter every two days. Yet, the first thing I did upon waking up was to drink coffee and play Apex Legends. I have a problem. It is one I recognize, but a problem nevertheless.

Some Thoughts:

  1. This is random, but going back to an old thought about ASMR. I feel like the issue for me is innocence and intention. The best stuff is either accidental or utterly innocent–meaning without any adjustment towards sexualizing the content visually or in the way of speaking. My problem is that I prefer listening to female voices to relax and the majority of those are licentious. I’m not here for it. I’m left to seek out the rare ones that are not or the handful of really good male voices. Oddly enough the majority of those male voices are foreign. Bob Ross remains the GOAT.

7.376. Waiver Wednesday: Colorado Edition

The other day I watched several vitriolic sports fans spew hate at Colorado football. They use too many transfers! They don’t do things the traditional way! They’re too loud! These players play only for themselves! All of these comments are reflections of a deeper and I feel more insidious philosophy that extends far beyond football and is reflective of American principles we’d all rather not discuss. But I’m here for it, and it boils down to the roots of what we call racism.

Let me start by arguing that racism is not about race. It is about belonging and the other. It is about fear. It is about blame and worry. Few people who feel racism deep in their bones do so out of a genetic superiority philosophy. I didn’t fully grasp that until I began to realize how many of these spotlighted racist organizations are often led or shouted up by people of the race they proclaim to hate. Chappelle hinted at this in his first ever skit on his show.

While Bigsby didn’t know he was black, his people did. Just like Enrique Tarrio and others. Al Jazeera posted a wonderful essay on the subject. It is about being part of the in group and about feeling either powerful in your belief and group or about feeling oppressed. Both can be true in different situations. How does any of this relate to Colorado football? Well, the Buffs are not at all about pride in that city or that college (I’m a damn proud Cyclone and they are–once again–conference rivals) it is about pride in Deion Sanders and what that man represents. So too is the hate.

Just recently I watched a post war unfold where a hater Ole Miss fan argued that schools that don’t build from the ground up are destined to fail, because transfer portal players only play for themselves and don’t add to the team culture. Okay, well Ole Miss added 17+ transfer players each of the last two seasons–mostly starters. So is it different because Ole Miss did it? Or is it different because Colorado also exploited it? Arizona state added 31 transfers last year and 23 this year. Nobody talks about them “going about it the wrong way” instead their young coach is being praised for rebuilding the program. USC and other big name schools have been relying on transfers for highlight positions for years without being criticized. Jayden Daniels and Caleb Williams were both transfers and both were treated as if they were not only part of but leaders in the cultures of their respective programs.

The hate comes from a place where people don’t want to see Prime succeed. The hate is intensified because of the spotlight he brings. The more people are forced to see Prime and his family on TV, the more they hate… or love. This polarization is normal. This is what we see with the Chiefs and the Taylor Swift storylines. None of it means that Prime’s Colorado team is going to be terrible or very good. In fact, it drowns any real debate of talent in superlatives and assumptions. What I loved in the beginning of the Prime run was his honesty about where they were. They didn’t have anything resembling a secure O or D line. They knew this and they still came out to compete. Now they’ve gone and recruited some beef–the most important step to being a dominant football program. Now we will see what is real.

The time for talk is far from over. The season is far from beginning. All we can do is wait.. and hope.

3.375. On Ambition

Here is a terrible truth I’ve learned about myself: I am influenced by the people around me. It doesn’t matter if they are peers, seniors, or kids. The overwhelming preponderance of a vibe will impact my vibe. This is why the number of people without ambition in my life and in my home scares me. When surrounded by people without ambition it is harder to maintain ambition. In truth, having ambition makes you the outsider and makes it so that your ambition is a hinderance to the lifestyle being led because you are not comfortable with the status quo or the simplicity of the lives swirling around you.

I am struggling greatly with this in my life. I come from a place where everyone around me was grinding. I went from that to a university setting where everyone around me was grinding and I had to grind even harder just to keep up. I went from that to a writing program where everyone was creative and every writer was putting out amazing work and I had to get better just to keep up. I went from that to being a new dad in a new city fighting for a chance to earn a job at a college. I went from that to being the young gun professor at a community college trying to make a name for myself and establish an identity around all of these seasoned professors who’d carved out their spot and name and following. I went from that to switching jobs to a new school where I had to do it all over again whilst (yeah, I used whilst, I’m that guy) raising kids, being a coach fighting for recognition and wins, competing to earn the right to write a novel for an established company, etc.

I went from that to living in a space where the key goal is to work as little as possible and spend as much time as possible in front of a screen either gaming or watching and having no desire to create anything or to do anything that breaks the routine of sameness. Nobody is pushing me to be a better writer. As much as the Lady Talis tries to fill that role, it can only come from within the writing community. I need ambition around me. I need to feel that desire to be more or I become less. I don’t have it in my life at present. I don’t really even know where to find it. I have not cultivated it enough in my own children. I see sparks in a few, but the overwhelming reality is the environment dictates my life and the environment degrades me. Sometimes it takes being away from all of it to see it for what it is.

3.374. Reflections on a Monday Morning

Trying to find my way into Zen after a 3AM wake up and seeing the lady Talis depart for parts known for longer than I care to consider. Imma be okay. I will be throwing myself into my work in lieu of sleep, which is a common refrain in times like these. I’ve grown out of being able to sleep well without my better half. It is something I feel deeply. It is also something I cannot dwell on because I cannot do anything about it. I am trying to find/discover a sense of serenity and focus. I am trying to discover a way to accept the things I cannot change so that I can focus on the things I can. This comes largely as a result of the awareness that as I age my body is degrading at a faster curve than previously expected. I am doing almost nothing to slow the decline and that is a problem.

Even cognitively I question if I am as strong and sharp as I was ten years ago. That is perhaps worse than the physical decline. I don’t want to lose what makes me me, and the mind is that. So, I gotta go to work on getting right and in shape and on track. Honestly, this is probably just a dip, but I cannot allow myself to think that way or that dip becomes a depression becomes the hole I fall into and never return.

7.373. Reflections on a Lazy Sunday

I think I named the thing wrong. It should really be a post about dopamine and winning and losing and feeling like you are going to be losing forever. I feel like that, on occasion. I think it is a standing feeling for people of the video game generations. I think it has a lot to do with expecting rewards to come quickly or at all. It feels like a sharp contrast to being a writer where the reward of completion is constantly so very very far away. So, today I had two goals: Win a round of Apex and Finish a Chapter. I really felt the first one was low hanging fruit, but it proved tantalizingly difficult for most of the evening until right up until this blog. The reward hit of dopamine however was so low that I barely felt it coursing through my system.

The second part didn’t happen. I’m looking at it now on a second screen and lamenting my inability to get it done. Some chapters are a lot tougher to get through, and the dopamine reward for completion ought to be higher. I haven’t experienced that higher reward, but I will say moving through the tough ones make the easier ones just fly. That is a reward in of itself… one I have not earned because I am still staring at these unfinished pages.

I love writing. Hard but gratifying stuff right here.

7.372. Reflections on a Saturday

Slow grind today.

I haven’t had it in me to be terribly productive. Butt is in chair and has been for hours. I got one project ticked off, but when I slid to the next one my productivity vanished. The movement between projects is always tough for me. It has a lot to do with gearing down and gearing back up. I shouldn’t have that problem here, because I was already spun up to do the work I am on right now. However, I find myself in a creative quandary. I think what I need to consider is the idea of being ready to roll into any of these projects. I wasn’t today and wound up flailing around until I decided I might as well write this blog.

The key to being successful on multiple projects is organization. I believe I always need to have something ready to go when I get in the chair. I am working to get better at having those things ready and to be able to roll right into whatever I need to–be it work or writing or whatever. I haven’t been so good at the organizing or the readiness. That’s coming.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Mr. Ballen is a solid storyteller. It may be his voice, word choice or some combination of multiple factors, but he makes every story sound so damn interesting. That being said, I would rather watch him than listen to a podcast. There is no reason for this. All I can think is it is because I have grown used to the visuals I can look up and glance at as I continue to listen and type away on my computer as I am doing now.

7.371. Freewrite Friday

It’s Friday and that means it is time to develop another Texan. The story I am writing takes place in Texas and involves a group of jurors. Each week I am trying to bring another one of these people to life. I don’t have a format or anything–I hope that develops along the way. I just want to connect to the character–introduce them to me.

Linda Anderson is a storyteller. At least, that is what she would say if asked. She shares tales of her small corner of Texas and it’s big football culture and, more interestingly, it’s superstitious lore. Linda is an influencer. She creates 45 second videos on her social media platform designed to give viewers a taste of Texas lore. At 19, she’s already been doing it for six years.. and has about twice as many real followers as that. Still, the work is her Gospel of sorts. It started right when she started high school. Young for high school, she found that she wasn’t really the type of girl that people noticed. She wasn’t the type of girl people picked on either. She was just there. Being there she heard all the whispers and rumors and stories about the dark history of her 30 year old school and about her town. She grew more and more interested in such things and in the structure of those things. As she continued to exist on the fringe of the culture she continued to listen and continued to discover her own place in things.

Linda is blonde, with pale skin for a Texan and sharp brown eyes. She keeps her hair long and straight, never one to go for the hairstlye of the moment. She’s thin, lacking the curves the boys want to talk about so much. Though not popular, she isn’t without her friends. She talks to people in all social circles, though not about her secret life as a superstition influencer. It isn’t so much as a secret as it–and she–is overlooked.

7.370. Reflections on a Thursday Night

I’ve been really delinquent on work today. Taking a day off is often considered an important step in getting mentally clear and reloaded for improved productivity, so tomorrow I need to see that productivity. Facts being what they are, I have not. In truth I slacked this week, getting locked in on the in-class action and the summer trip and little else. I need to be getting stuff done and I am not. Tomorrow is supposed to be a turn into a weekend but it needs to be a turning point for me. I have to get right.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Been reminded as of late of the incredibly ego and popularity based nature of 7 on 7 player recruitment. That sucks, because there is a team out there with incredible coaching that could really help out my kid. Too bad the squad ‘doesn’t have room’ for him. If the argument is talent, that’s fine. However, that is not the argument as I am hearing it.

7.369. Waiver Wednesday: High School Edition

Imagine being a 6A (highest division in AZ High) football team in a major competitive division and having to appoint your fifth coach in five years. This is the curse of Desert Vista. Over the time we’ve had kids in place the school has gone through a slew of coaching changes. Now we are on #5, the Freshman coach and holdover assistant coach from the past few regimes. And he’s only being given a 1 year interim tag as the school seeks a new AD (also a revolving door). We haven’t done a single thing to establish a culture in this school because not a single HC sticks around for it. They stay a year, take their losses, and leave for greener pastures. It reminds me of that epic moment in the Expanse novel series when the characters realize that the years spent terraforming Mars are going to waste because nobody wants to stay long enough to finish the project–because they’ve discovered other readily inhabitable planets.

We are Mars.

Mars needs Coaching.

What I worry about this situation is visibility. The key to recruitment is getting tape in the hands of coaches and getting coaches in the stands. He has the skills and can compete anywhere. He wants it pretty badly, but he is young and addicted to the games and the friends and the distractions overall. That being said, there are pros and cons to being on yet another HC. CON: nobody wants to come play for the school now. PRO: He has a better opportunity to be a starter as a result. He wants to stay a year and then figure it out. I support that. We will see what that year looks like.