Author: admin

I wanted to quit writing several times this year. It came down to the amount of time I spent writing as opposed to spending time with my partner. It felt like I was always working when she wanted to hang out. I structured it as a choice between her and the words. She wins. She will always win. However, she made it clear that it is not a competition. It isn’t even a choice between her and the words. It is a matter of how I use my time and where I find my joy in and outside of writing.

Over the past few years I’ve watched a lot of static behavior and, imho, slow decay. I’ve watched my kids peak and reach a state where they do what they need to do–do what is required of them at the very minimal level–and then slide into a video game or a tiktok death scroll or a youtube video or some systemic combination or routine of all three. I wasn’t raised like that and I really want to believe they weren’t either. There is a time and place for that kind of consumption, but when it becomes the focus of your life it creates a depression around you–one that I am very easily sucked into. I watch this behavior and it makes me question why I bother working so hard when so many others I love and practically every living being in my close orbit is satisfied with having a shitty, meaningless, and repetitive existence. It isn’t only depressing, it sucks the life out of you. It makes the hard work you do seem less valuable and even pointless. So, I decided to quit and fall into spending time with the one person in my close physical orbit who is about something other than wasting hours. Want to guess what happened? The less I wrote, the more depressed I grew. Even trying to get back into particular writing projects felt less like joy and more like work. I was infected with this sensation of not giving a damn. Once I let my surroundings get to me, I was doomed.

My surroundings still get to me every day. I’m working my way out of it with headphones (filled with Gongs, rainfall, and ASMR). I am trying to separate from the world I am in to reach a state of peace in which I can reach for the joy writing has brought me. That joy is why I write. It is a form of catharsis to tell stories–regardless of if anyone ever bothers to read them. I write not to be read but to create. Creation is a non-static behavior. It is lurching and lunging and growing and filling yourself up only to empty yourself out again. It is everything I’ve ever wanted to do or be outside of sports. I write because it remains who I am, and I am not who I am when I don’t.

I haven’t posted word count over the last few days because word count hasn’t actually changed over the last few days. 611. That is it. School got me. That slowed me down, but what stopped me was not really being balanced in my use of time. So, here I am nearing noon on a Thursday and realizing that I have 10 days ledt to come up with the other 11, 400 words. Doable? Sure. Is the research phase done? No. Not hardly. However, I am much further down that long dim road of understanding than I was a few days ago and I have a sense of voice in terms of what it is I am trying to create in the work.

I cannot talk about the work–NDA–but I can talk about the process. Research always comes first. See what has been written before. Next do the real world stuff that melds what has been written with what is legitimate in the place I am writing about. Then the futurist in me does what I like to call ‘proper extrapolation’ to reach a sense of culture and vibe to reflect what it is I am trying to create.

I am trying to create a lot lately–especially outside of the NDA work. I’m finding a story in the fantasy writing. I found a way in, but I need to play with the world quite a bit before I get there. I wish is that I could load up all the characters and regions and cultures into a total war simulator and just build it out from the game. That would be really cool… actually, I think there is. Perhaps that becomes a neat summer project for me.

The key is that I am ready to do some technical world building and story shaping in the fantasy world and try to create a world and a story that is worthwhile. I have the titles of the first two volumes of the tale and they directly correspond with what is happening in these volumes. Still, this is not what is going to launch me financially. I think the Justice Engine accomplishes that–if I can actually get around to writing it.

I am mathematically eliminated from the playoffs in two of the three leagues I am in this season. The reason: 9 losses. each league. I cannot give a good reason for what happened–for why I fell apart for extended streaks in these leagues. I didn’t have the same players, but they shared the same fate: sucking. This is a hard lesson to learn in a fun activity–you may be the bottom. It turns out I was bottom two years running in this sad sauce situation. I refuse to make it three. Part of that will be dedicating legitimate hours to study the game and make sure I know who to get and who to back that up with. The only thing I was certain of this season was that Barkley was the guy. I got him via trade, but I made other trades that absolutely tanked my squad in the family league. I was DOA in the money league because of the CMC keeper flatlining my team. I dropped the dude in that keeper league in order to force someone else to shoot their shot on him for next season, giving me a chance to grab a higher draft pick by holding on to a different keeper… best laid plans and all.

I still enjoy it. But it is nothing like the intrigue of the real thing.

On that note, my kid has entered the portal. His head Coach took a better paying position and took the entire coaching staff with him. My boy hopped in the portal the day it was announced. Now he’s looking at options across the board. I know what he wants and I hope he gets the chance to climb to the next level and show he can ball. The tape he put out was solid evidence that he can play. 7300 views on the first day (11 hrs) argue that people are paying attention. It isn’t enough to catch fire, but enough to get this thing moving in the right direction. He has a tough road ahead of him, but he is resilient and talented and will get offers.

I hope his little brother learns from the experience. He needs to learn what it is really like out there.

My son and I were talking about confidence. Particularly we were talking about understanding what it takes to be who you want to be and how that is an actual switch that gets thrwon in your soul. Mine feels like a GFI these days, and the green light popped off. He’s in a better state than me. He made the mental decision to do what he needs to do to get to the league. I can remember being exactly where he was 31 years ago and making the decision to go the other way. It is, for all intents and purposes, a state of mind. I’ve spoken about this in bits and pieces in many posts….

Most recently I listened to a speaker who was discussing arrogance and confidence. The speaker, a social psychologist, talked about how confidence is positive and arrogance is poisonous and how we can see the effects of each in people in our society.

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He has that confidence and understanding of how there is a clear path to be successful. He has the athleticism to be sure. He also is not arrogant as mentioned above. Instead he realizes that most of the individuals who play at the college level are playing. They are not plotting and studying. They are not drawing up plans of how to attack an individual coverage or connecting each opportunity dot to dot in order to form a picture of what the next step could look like. They are instead as I wrote of how I became as a writer:

Over time that confidence (or was it lack of concern or fear) faded and the slow tear away rose in my mind. This is when writing resembled chore more than pleasurable work. Even then I would have occasional nights of sitting at the laptop and being tickled by a turn of phrase or excited to see the words of a conflict unfurl themselves in slow pecking succession.

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Most players lose the ephemeral quality that makes them great. This is the same way in which writers such as myself lose that same quality. It is in how we approach the work and what we believe is possible in any given moment. This is the core difference between, say, Russell Zimmerman and myself or Mel Odom and myself to name two authors who write in the same line as I do yet are far more prolific because they choose to be and have maintained the mental state that allows them to be as they choose.

It all comes down to belief and focus–not as big picture items but in the very minutiae that makes us individuals. It is cellular and, in a sense, undefinable by one such as myself. I am still struggle to unlock it, because if I can then I can get back to where I was when I was a kid sitting on a bus writing stories and wanted to share with the world. I miss that kid. I miss what he could do.

Some Thoughts:

1. I’m starting with this one and then going to the post itself, because I had to get it out: People need to get better at patience. There is an entire ecosphere based around the lack of patience. For example, I was trying to see today’s CFP official rankings. I found a dozen articles predicting what would happen and one solitary post simply stating that the rankings are dropped at 7 tonight. So, instead of reading the dozen articles and stewing needlessly about what some pundit with no actual say thinks, I decided to shut that thread off until 7pm. It is easy. Just let yourself experience patience. I guess maybe that isn’t so easy for a society built on the now now now…

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First week of the project, last week of classes. I’m overcoming the challenge of balancing teaching and writing. While my number count is low, this is the research side of the project where I am gathering information and developing headers which I intend to use to further the writing. I am also thinking up the short story component–3000 words there. I have a solid concept and I think it is pretty cool and on the nose for setting a tone for the work. In short, I am cooking.

I like that there are terms from the now generation that I can enjoy. I’m not trying to get with Skibidi or anything like that, but I love the cook. I often think that I’m too old for how I feel mentally. This is especially true of how I define success. I still want crazy things like a batcave. I want all these things that younger men would enjoy experiencing. I want to be at the place in my life where I can have the wealth and still be at an age to enjoy the things that wealth can bring. What does wealth look like to me? 5 million–after taxes. That’s enough to do what I want. I have no idea how to get there…

Butt in chair.

I don’t know how many times I’ve referred to the BIC philosophy since beginning this blog thousands of days ago. It’s been a lot and yet even I still fail to grasp the tidal power of the simple habit. If you put your butt in the chair for a specified amount of time and just write, you will produce work. I am not saying you will produce good (or even decent) work. You can write a bunch of crap for weeks at a time–every single day of crap–until writing something that is not terrible. That is how writing works. Good writing is lightning striking the rod. Writing is lightning in the skies above. You need to keep writing in order for good writing to hit. You cannot expect to just produce good stuff. I’ve written a lot of very bad stuff. Some of it even got out into the world…

Your mental focus is a habit just like everything we do with any regularity stems from habit. Your mental focus and the habit thereof is how good writing happens. It all stems from the idea of production. You have to be able to produce. I’ll say it again. You have to be able to produce. This is the only pathway to success. Anyone that tells you otherwise is gaslighting you for their own purposes.

AI is billed as the greatest shortcut to production, and maybe that will be true one day. AI is not there yet. I spent a little time playing with AI in regards to an unpublished novel I’ve been toying with. I have a solid outline–the kind of thing that a guy like Patterson writes and hands off to another talented writer to turn into a full feature. I handed it off to AI to see what might happen. What happened was terrible. Flat characters, no insight, no vibe whatsoever. I trained that AI to have a sense of what it was like to write this kind of novel and it failed so miserably at the job that I now have the proof (if anecdotal) to argue that you gotta put your butt in chair and write the darn thing yourself.

This is a pep talk. Not just for you but for me as well. I am here in front of a trio of screens staring at windows of data that constitute the start of research for a 12000 word project I intend to complete over the next 15 days. It only happens if I keep my butt in this chair on a regular basis and put in the time and effort to get the words on the page. I’m telling you now because, as we look in the rearview at NaNoWrimo, it doesn’t end because of the fanfare. Writers keep writers going. We find ways to keep ourselves going when nobody else will. We hold ourselves accountable the way we expect our fans to hold us accountable for producing. So, that is what I’m going to do over the next 15. I’m at Zero. I’ll see you at 12k.

He’s in the playoffs. Not only that, he’s going to play and be tested and have a chance to prove himself. That’s the narrative for me leading into this game at 1pm. Drake faces Tarleton State. Bulldogs vs. Texans. A program that is built on academic scholarships vs. a program built on NIL money and transfers. If you listen to the pundits, Drake does not stand a chance. In fact, they were never a real or even competitive team. Yeah, they beat a team or two, but they have no transfers. The coach won’t use the portal! How could they begin to be competitive through recruiting alone? That is why you wind up with a 17 yr old freshman playing CB and making plays. You find the diamonds in the rough and make them shine.

I don’t know what happens next season. I don’t know if my kid has done enough to be able to hit the portal. I don’t even know if the coach–a likely two time PFL Coach of the Year–even stays. Other coaches are moving on. Davidson’s coach just accepted the HC position at Rice University. That means more shifting in the PFL and out of it. The kid wants to play Power 4 football, and I believe he has the talent to do so. That will be put to the test in a few hours. He will have a chance to show what he is made of and that is all he’s ever worked for. He’s growing. He’s getting better. So the future is his to control.

Some Thoughts:

1. I’d love a win. I want to see him do his thing most of all. We are charting a future today.
2. On to the next writing project. 12k words. I start Dec 1. If I can manage 1,000 a day, I will get done long before the break. Then it is on to the next one.
3. I discovered/rediscovered the habit of sticky notes. Now I intend to slap them on my calendar.
4. How does that help me move forward? I am not entirely clear on that part… I keep on searching for the ‘right’ way for me to stay organized and I have yet in these nearly 50 years of effort, found a way.

I realize now that what capitalist societies celebrate more than anything else is capitalism. That is what Black Friday is all about. I was out the door before 6 AM, in spite of the fact I really had nothing to buy. It was, for us, about the ritual. We are meant to do this thing because we have always done this thing and to continue to do it feels comfortable and good, and right and meaningful, and gives us a ritual to look forward to in the future. We are nothing as a culture without our rituals. So, we headed from store to store, searching aimlessly for what could bring us value and happiness in the moment. In the end I spent over $300 on feeding people and shoes I really do not need. I bought a lot, but I don’t feel remorse over the spending. I don’t feel any true joy either. I was going through the motions of the ritual because it matters to the people I care about. To quote a football favorite, “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.”

I don’t know what specific rituals matter to me anymore. I like watching the football teams I like, which I argue counts as a ritual in a larger sense. Other things are less about me and more about the opportunity to spend time with the people (and especially the woman) I love. Today it felt like that was a bad thing–like being out on Black Friday was a sideways jab saying I was out on my time with loved ones; out on my relationship. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. I’d rather live in a world where I can be happy and truthful and feel like what I say is understood.

I don’t know if the people I love in life know how much they mean to me. I don’t know that I tell them enough. I don’t know that they understand it or see it, or measure the value of my words and actions to them against those to others. I say it. I show it. I mean it. Yet how I see the world repeatedly proves to be not the way the world is or efforts to be. I’m extremely grateful for the Lady Talis. She’s changed my life. She’s redefined it and become the center of it. I’m grateful for the three new children she’s brought into my life, even though and often especially because of how much we clash and how much we manage to continue some vestige of a relationship in spite of it. Not all family loves each other or respects each other. We, at the very least, respect the idea of the family to the point where it allows us to maintain a family where others would not necessarily be able to continue. Most of that is because of the Lady Talis, whom I give thanks to most of all.

Thanksgiving, for me, is about reflecting on these things and being able to recognize the fortune that has shown on your life.

I’m worried about Tarleton State.

The fact of the matter is these guys are a pretty good football team. They run Wake Forest’s slow mesh, or a pass-happy version thereof. That being said, the running backs are super shifty and gain a lot of yards on the ground when the pass is unavailable. Will it be? That is up to the coaching staff and who they choose to play out there. Biased as I am, I’m hoping to see my son cook. Why not? The seventeen year old freshman has proven time and again he can handle the best the opposition has. He rarely gets targeted because he plays tight coverage, and has only given up two catches this season through 7 games in man coverage. Sure, you can easily argue that the talent level he faced was less than that of Tarleton’s Texans, but you also have to acknowledge that his only interception on the year was against Butler, the second highest ranked team they faced all season. The Tarleton State Texans are ranked 14th, earning a 13 seed in the FCS Tourney. That puts them higher than Eastern Kentucky (who plays the 11 seed) who they lost to earlier this season. Now rankings and bracket placements are not everything but it is worth noting that Tarleton State did not beat a single ranked or tourney team this season. Their wins largely came at the expense of teams with losing records–teams that also lost to other good teams to be sure, but losing records nonetheless.

So, I’m saying there is a chance.

Everyone in the media is already writing Drake off and looking forward to the next round and Tarleton State battling with South Dakota. I’m not looking past Saturday morning. There are legends to be written in the grass this weekend. It is time the kid has a chance to make a name for himself.