I realize now that what capitalist societies celebrate more than anything else is capitalism. That is what Black Friday is all about. I was out the door before 6 AM, in spite of the fact I really had nothing to buy. It was, for us, about the ritual. We are meant to do this thing because we have always done this thing and to continue to do it feels comfortable and good, and right and meaningful, and gives us a ritual to look forward to in the future. We are nothing as a culture without our rituals. So, we headed from store to store, searching aimlessly for what could bring us value and happiness in the moment. In the end I spent over $300 on feeding people and shoes I really do not need. I bought a lot, but I don’t feel remorse over the spending. I don’t feel any true joy either. I was going through the motions of the ritual because it matters to the people I care about. To quote a football favorite, “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.”
I don’t know what specific rituals matter to me anymore. I like watching the football teams I like, which I argue counts as a ritual in a larger sense. Other things are less about me and more about the opportunity to spend time with the people (and especially the woman) I love. Today it felt like that was a bad thing–like being out on Black Friday was a sideways jab saying I was out on my time with loved ones; out on my relationship. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. I’d rather live in a world where I can be happy and truthful and feel like what I say is understood.