Author: admin

I discovered that there certainly are things I cannot do. I used to operate on the Batman principle of ‘if you drop out of society and devote sufficient time to train for anything you can become it.’ Now I believe in the principle of, ‘ain’t nobody got time for that’

This new arrival of thought comes as I have been trying to fix the floor of the new office only to discover I made it so much worse. I cannot fix the floor. It is beyond ruined–a collection of barely linked and no longer interlocking floorboards that anger me on sight. I don’t have the ability to fix them nor the patience nor the materials. If I were to keep a floor like this in place I would have to buy entirely new flooring and then rely on the hope that I can get it right this time. No, I am going to just spend more money in a direction I know will work: I am going to pay someone who knows what they are doing to do something with these damn floors.

It is an important moment for me to realize I cannot do it all. I also recognize that I cannot afford it all and the result of that will be me falling back into a spot of debt–unless the tax situation is positive. One can only hope on that front.

Some Thoughts:

1. Falling behind on the words. Way behind. I need a few serious hours in front of a screen every day in order to get back on track. I cannot do that and all the other stuff I am attempting to juggle. I am failing hard at life.
2. I don’t have to keep failing, but I do need to kick into a higher gear and really get back to listing out things to complete each day and knocking them out.

I binged season 2 of Hanna, a show that had glimpses of good in season 1. The second effort had more good than bad, though the ending was flat and unimaginative. The glimpses that season did offer looked deep into the psychological positioning of purpose and belonging. In my pursuit of less garbage in, I am pleased that I was able to get some good out of this show. This look into the psychology of brain washing was very stirring. It, along with what I am observing in my mythology course, is reminding me of how far people are willing to go in order to create a mental safety bubble.

Without giving too much away, the show is based on the idea that the American government has been breeding orphan girls to become assassins. This is not a new concept. In fact, the show is based off of the movie concept of the same name and a genetic match of La Femme Nikita and the upcoming Black Widow film. However, what I found interesting was how open and blatant the psy-ops part of it became. At a point in the development of these girls they are told–straight up–that they will now be giving names and histories and families. They are told to communicate with their ‘families’ via computer message in spite of knowing they don’t exists and will only ever be able to reach out to them via internet. They know these families are not real and instead are control mechanisms but they eventually all fall into the names and false lives constructed for them. As insane as that sounds, it makes total sense.

Every semester I teach mythology I watch deeply religious students brutally insult and attack the myths of other cultures–deeming them as false and arguing that only a prehistorically dumb human could ever believe such things. In the sam sentence they will exclaim about how there could never be a pantheon of Gods because there is only one true God. They remain unwilling to see that their mythology bears any resemblance to that of other cultures. This willful ignorance–this unwillingness to actually see similarities or the truth or the purpose of their own stuff is at the root of what I found interesting about that Hanna show.

Long story short (because, you know, 10 minutes) people are willing to sink deeply into their own beliefs if those beliefs make them feel safe, help them belong, or create a sense of purpose. Once that purposeful contagion takes root, it is very hard for most to see anything beyond their own truth.

Ask Trump supporters about that.

At the start of a story it is all excitement. The energy pulses through you. The pages seem to appear as if by magic. The words pour from some unknown place. Then life intervenes. You leave the page for a day, maybe two. Other stuff takes up your mind and the story, once powerful, is now just another task left unfinished. Another loose thread. I am living with two loose threads and to pull too roughly on either threatens to unravel my entire psyche. I am not in a great writing headspace. My partner wants to chat about it, and I think that is a good idea. Talking about story puts me back in the mind for story, but I need the space to be able to talk and then write afterwards. I have built myself a prison of self-imposed deadlines that break apart my day. None of them give me the time or space to write with any clarity.

This is obviously a frustration blog. I feel it is one I share with many writers across the spectrum of fiction and non. Life does not pause for our drafts. Ten minutes does not give us the space to create what we must. The answer then is elusive. For me it is also incomplete. I find moments when I fall into story, but those moments are built upon blocks of time with no other responsibility–not checking my phone to see how long it will be till I need to drive to the next place. That is a momentum killer in itself. Presently, I do not live a life that allows for writing in the way I want to write.

The move will change things dramatically. I will be able to have production on any given day instead of worrying about when I need to leave to get somewhere or when I need to get back in order to handle the rest of the business. I will just be able to be home, go into the office, and work for a while without worrying about having to get done. I haven’t had that for half the week for years.

As I am mentally constructing this fantasy-esque novel of mine I am puling in threads from real world conversations we should be having but are yet unwilling to have. The key one to me is the powerful relationship between privilege and status quo. To begin, status is something that is really hard to achieve for those who don’t have it and really hard to accept losing for those who have gained it and those born into it. Status change looks like nothing less than a fall or loss of something unless your status is moving upwards, which would of course mean no change at all in the larger scale.

I believe that is what is at the root of our race problem everywhere. If you are born into a particular status or class then that is your normal operating space. Everything in your life tells you to stay in that class or move upward. That status level is based entirely on who is below you and who is above you on the ladder. I realize people do not consciously think that way, but that does not change the way it is. We can only have a so-called middle class because we have constructed upper and lower classes and we, at least unconsciously, recognize this. When those of a lower status, be it through wealth, or profession, religion, or skin color, etc. are seen on the same level as “us” it subconsciously puts us on the level of those who were below us, triggering “us” to strive to be higher. This is the fundamental concept behind chasing the Joneses.

Now, imagine a movement where an entire race of people who you were conditioned to feel were beneath you are suddenly thrust up to a level where they have the same rights, privileges, and abilities as you. For the average person that had to be psychologically jarring. Suddenly the person you saw and were told was less than human is considered equal to you? How can you consciously accept that they are suddenly equal? I fear there is always a part of everyone that feels superior to that group, especially in the sense of having been a part of granting that group equality.

That is what happened with slavery in my opinion. A group of so-called lessers were granted equality because a group of people who had power decided to have the conversation and take action to give that other group power; to bring that other group up to their level.

The problem with one group deciding to have the conversation is that they can just as easily tire of having the conversation. They can always think that they control the conversation…

I am in this strange in betweenness as I shift from one collection of office spaces to a singular space I share with my partner. In the new era of Covid I will be working from home quite a bit more, which means working from a home office. This new space is the best I’ve ever had and that is in no small part to it being designed by my partner and myself. We share it together. It is still a work in progress, but this is the first time I have let someone really into my workspace, and as a man who was married for over a decade, that is a big freaking deal.

The space is a converted garage in the new house that we are presently refurbishing. Down the road we will probably get new floors, but that is the least of our concerns there. It is a space that offers room for one of those magical bookshelf doors (or two if we stick to the symmetrical approach). It excites me to take this new step. I look forward to working and creating there.

Some Thoughts:

1. Diving into the ten day novel tomorrow. Bout time to check out new things.

As Covid cases swell, especially here in AZ, Youth Football continues to steadfastly claim the games will go on. In truth the flag games have been and continue going on. I am leaning more and more towards pulling my kid. It is what my partner wants. It makes sense. Still, I feel like this is the first chance in a long time for him to be with a team; with a group of any sort; for more than a moment. He has a real chance to settle in here and missing a season will hinder that. Ultimately, it comes down to safety for me and what that margin of safety is. I have to feel like the conditions are right.

They are not right at the moment. In fact the head of the league tweeted another interesting message suggesting college football is in doubt. The Ivy League already cancelled all sports through January. The news is so new that other D1 conferences have yet to react publicly. So we don’t know. I don’t know, but the odds are stacking up against games. I hope the state does something smart and pulls the plug themselves because it is sounding like the younger leagues won’t.

Meanwhile the show is trying to go on in Basketball, moving to an 8 game close of season for contending teams. It feels like Big Brother. You lose and you get voted of Disney Island. Who knows if this grand experiment will work. More and more it feels like we shouldn’t even be trying. We should instead be waiting this one out.

Why then is it so difficult for me to want to do so?

Yesterday was a low point. I took a nap in the middle of the day, which on it’s face is not a bad thing, but combined with the lack of energy or motivation to write and the missed daily deadlines… I got burned out. These are my partner’s words, not mine. They work for the situation. I don’t like that they work, but they clearly reflect the situation I was in last night. Heck, I couldn’t even type (not doing much better today, btw…) or even think rationally about my stories.

So, today is a new day and a new start (and a new year on the Talis calendar–have you ever considered the arbitrary start and end dates for years?). I am not 100% and likely will take a few days or week of vacation soon, but the point I am trying to make is, I am going to get back on my grind today.

I think the missing link is exercise. I have not been doing too well with that side of my life as of late. My body hurts from aches and bad sleep and trying to move stuff around to create this new office space. I am out of shape, old, and facing the quickening decay of my physical faculties without really trying to slow things down with aggressive exercise. I see me, and I am still not doing a thing about it.

This is not one of those depressive blogs where I am telling you I am at the end of my rope (read: NASCAR rope), but one where I am purely self reflective about the state of my health and how (poorly) I’ve reacted to that thus far. It feels very American/European to see the problem and decide, “meh. It’ll get handled.” when I am clearly the one person who has the task of handling it. Instead I am focused on a rather senseless quest to complete a slew of Apex Legends challenges in order to… make enough game cash to buy the $10 game pass for next season… Writing it down reveals a certain stupidity of purpose.

I ought to get back to Minecraft where I am actually exerting creativity.

Well, that was 10 minutes of… something.

Last month I took a stab at building stories that talked about a world where Covid and the awakening to racial injustice were just two of the three things about to happen in this world. Each of the stories addressed the 3rd thing that could happen. I never would have imagined Trumps awful and country dividing speech. We have truly slid into a darker place than I thought possible and this is only getting worse.

Some Thoughts:

1. Some days I just do not feel it. I spend more time trying to remind my fingers how to type than typing and it drags me out of a writing headspace. Occasionally this amplifies any negativity I have been feeling swell around me. This is such an occasion.
2. I don’t know why I have days where I cannot type words properly or find the keys. I believe it has to do with headspace and being in a good one is far more beneficial than (in spelling the word ‘then’ I twice misspelled said word –and mispelled misspelled twice) where I am right now.

Spent the evening building desks and listening to fiction as I did. It was not the ideal scenario. I would’ve preferred being in the same space as my partner as she and the daughter painted cabinets and made the house prettier. Instead I was separate and that was just a further reflection of how I self isolate as a rule. I should have done a different task today and done the desk building when she wasn’t in the house with me.

The goal of this task—this house–for me is to bring us closer together and build a foundation for long term happiness. That doesn’t necessarily work if I am isolating or if I stumble into saying the absolute wrong thing or make the ladies feel as though the work they are doing is not valued.

I believe I did every one of those things in honest but short sighted comments about the work being done. There was a question about interiors of cabinets that I expressed a lack of concern for, and clearly I was supposed to offer more concern and interest rather than suggest cutting new shelves. The comment about new shelves was meant to be an argument for cost effectiveness (one piece of MDF cut multiple times by me vs. the work of repainting and then buying and laying contact paper on the existing shelving. Unfortunately, that statement openly degraded the incredible work that had been done on the cabinets up to that point.

It didn’t help that I was tired and distracted by my own building failures with the desk and growing disappointment that I wasn’t actually doing things with her.

I want this to be an us thing and I will continue trying to make it that.

I spent some time today listening to Trump’s violently divisive speech meant to energize his base and send out the word that ‘Old America’ will not go silently into the night. It made me fear how far we’ve come in the past three years and especially in the past year. I began 4 a full year ago. It felt like this was going to be a big year for me in terms of relationship and career and it has been exactly that. It also has been a departure from anything I thought my life could possibly look like.

We live in a world so different–so vastly different–from where we were 365 days ago that the two don’t even feel like they were headed to the same place. One year ago I didn’t even know what social distancing was, though I know the term has been around for much longer. I didn’t see working from home as a real possibility, let alone a lifestyle I would revel in. I didn’t think aging would hit me as hard as it did; that I would be on a freaking pill and having to develop ways to trick my body into living just a little bit longer (It’s called exercise and healthier eating, btw).

I do not have a plan for how to live in this new world. I am learning as we all are. I feel like I might be better in this space; better operating from my own home/cave and getting things on track as a writer.

I need a proper 365 review, but this was a good start.