Author: admin

Rewind

You couldn’t tell Olivia was crazy just by looking at her. You could tell there was something not quite right. It was in the eyes. She looked at you with a sense of knowing reserved for kooks and psychics, of which she was actually neither. I went back through the tapes after her 3rd arrest. That was how I found out.

The first time she came in it had been snowing. Fat white clumps still clung to the shoulders of her overcoat, mixing with her stringy blond hair. She was smiling, showing full lips and shallow wrinkles. She didn’t at all look her 22 years of life. Her hands were cuffed in front of her. The officers had been gentle despite the pleadings of the man she beat up.

Calloway conducted the first interview and the 3rd coincidentally. The camera panned down over his head showing the bald spot that looked like a desert island in a sea of black water. He asked her if she understood why she was here and she shook her head. Then he showed her the pictures of her boyfriend. The red welts on his face leapt out at me. It looked as if he didn’t even try to defend himself, though he said he did. He said she knew what move he was going to make before he did it.

The thing was, he tried to hit her first. She didn’t so much say that, but I knew. I grew up in a house like that where pop got a little angry on the days work hadn’t gone so well and then things didn’t go so well for us. However, she wouldn’t say that. Instead she shrugged and said, “I thought I was in danger.”

It wasn’t till after the third interview that I realized she knew.

Some Thoughts:

1. Might continue this tomorrow. Out of time now, but the idea is stuck in my gullet.

As some of you know, I write stories for role playing games. Not all of those stories find the light of the page. I wanted to use today’s space to exorcise one such story from my mental garage. This one is a semi-sequel to a novel called Burning Bright by Tom Dowd. See, when you write in a shared world there is a likelihood that your character will be written up in another story by another author. This story features the protagonist of that story, Kyle Teller, and a character from my high school group of friends called Riser.

Riser was the leader of a group of assassins known collectively as the Smokers Club. He was involved in a number of underworld circles and as a result kept is personal life very secret as to avoid blowback.

In the beginning of the story we get a character perspective of detective. We see them researching a crime scene that looks like a ritualistic or serial killing. The magical energies in the space point towards one person: Kyle Teller.

The story goes like this: Riser’s sister is kidnapped and as the story unfolds we discover that the person who took her is not associated with Riser’s criminal past as suspected. Instead she was snatched by a serial killer. As Riser seeks out his sister’s murderer he picks up the trail of Kyle Teller. He eventually tracks the man and captures him, hoping to get him to confess to his sister’s murder before he kills him–Judge, Jury, Executioner kind of stuff here–however it wasn’t Kyle like everyone suspects. It was someone else.

Riser and Kyle end up running from the authorities and working together to expose this terrifying murderer and together they take him down.

That’s the story. It never got written past the first scene. So, I thought it might be fun to share it and all its siblings in this space over the next few months. I’m cleaning out my mental garage.

Some Thoughts:

1. Every night I go to bed looking forward to that morning cup of coffee. It is always the little things.

We are on day 3 of homegrown comicon and I am watching Robotech (Macross Saga) while I blog. This is a callback to my childhood and the period of development when I first decided to be a writer. Back then I felt a great deal of energy around the idea of writing. I didn’t have as much going on and I was not as run down and beaten up (mentally and physically) as I am these days. Watching the show is an attempted reboot–a chance to remember what it is that fuels me and use that to get this mental engine back in a useful gear.

Back at the Robotech.com site it is clear that the operation is continuing on and growing from its own history. This is exactly what I desire from my own life. I want to go to the next level. I want to shed the shackles of my present thinking and move forward with a singular goal.

I’ve been a jack of all for most of my life, but now I am trying to shift my thinking into combination mode vs. compartmentalization. A shift in thinking and an openness to change is exactly what is needed right now. However, I wish to base that change on history and research and philosophy.

I have been writing for the same role playing game for over twenty years. I enjoy it for the most part. I get a chance to be very creative and do really great things in a world I’ve always thought of as my own. Just recently the line decided to expand into a series of novellas. I was not granted one of the many novellas offered, and for me that was a clear sign. It is time to move on. Perhaps I will do some work in the future, but for now at least I need to be focused on doing different work. I need to not pursue this line, because I am obviously no longer top shelf in the group. In truth, I think I just ran out of things to say or am writing as though a holdover from a past iteration of what the game and the game world meant. Either way, I need to move on. I am moving on.

In my heart gather stories of superheroes, rimspace, old broken worlds, and dystopian images of our old world. I have many ideas that have not received the attention they deserve. It is perhaps time for me to explore the galaxy of my own making–the Talisverse is aching to be born.

So the new plan is to begin writing the stories, lives, and histories of these worlds and from that will spring new opportunities for publication. I still feel like I have stories left to tell and I believe I have not only a right and an opportunity, but I have a ‘calling’ to tell these tales. I’ve neglected my own imaginings for so long that I fear a thick scrape of dust hangs over my mind itself. In time I will break free of that hinderance and achieve the creative level I’ve always aspired to have. Writing in the Talisverse is an important first step. It is the blank canvas.

Some Thoughts:

1. Trumpism offers a great amount of inspiration for this endeavor. I am so curious to understand the mindset there that I feel it will lead to powerful stories. The best stories are often echoes of reality.
2. No interest in non-fiction at this time.

I’m taking the next step in my life and my relationship, and it is terrifying. We have different approaches to parenting. Neither of us are capable of recognizing in the moment when we are treating some of our kids by a different set of rules than others. Both of us are rooted in routine, but there is an underlying fear that those routines are so different and centered on different things (us vs. kids for starters) that it will create conflict. In short, I am terrified of the collision of these worlds resulting in major discomfort for a long time. As a result I am making everything leading up to the joining uncomfortable.

I think part of my fear is this idea of privilege. I feel like she thinks my kids have too much of it to the point of being spoiled, and I think that creates an inclination to want that to be reigned in. I respect that, but I don’t want that feeling to color the choices we make as we move forward. I don’t want them to have less just to experience having less–especially when it creates imbalance between all the kids.

Moving forward means having more and more serious conversations and being open and honest about these feelings in a way that does not feel like an attack or feel like I am being offensive. I do not really know how to do that. I’m learning that about myself. I either say things in a way that sounds like i’m counseling or I say things bluntly and offense is taken. I don’t know the path to middle ground.

Younger me would be neck deep in books on the subject by now. Older me is apparently too lazy to think about that without some deeper reflection of the ten minute variety. So, I’ve come to this at long last. I have more to learn about relationships. Hopefully I can figure things out before I ruin this one again.

Life is a beautiful journey. There are experiences that, at the time, seem minor but become everything. There are others that feel so difficult and once you’ve made it through to the other side you find that you value life so much more. There is misfortune and fortune and luck and the path of karma. All of these are aspects of a life well lived. I am living a life well. I have experienced so much, and I feel like my life is continuing to move towards a better and healthier place. I believe I have the chance–no the future–to be happy and it already started.

So tonight I present a few thoughts on the present moment…

1. Trump. He is living out his fantasy and good for him. Still, it is bad for so many more of us. I mentioned this article once before, I think, but I feel it is so telling of where we are as a nation. Shout out to George Packer for the words.
2. We went to the park for out usual workout and somebody turned the world back on. There were at least three different teams/camps on the upper fields as well as baseball teams practicing on the diamonds below. The truth is, I got used to having the space to ourselves. We are planning to go earlier tomorrow in order to get that space back.
3. Social distancing appears to be at a low. That is, in AZ at least. Short of Trader Joe’s no businesses have shown much concern that I can see.
4. It is different in Cali where the beach cams now look like this and this. It is a relative ghost town in comparison to how things were before.
5. Still, I want to be there. I want to go somewhere and enjoy the beauty of this world.

We are watching Poirot’s famous case ‘Murder on the Orient Express’ and enjoying each other’s company. I am blessed to have found my soulmate in this life–if you are inclined to believe such things. I do. I believe partners should fill in your empty spaces. They challenge you. They encourage you. They inspire you to reach new heights in both how you care for yourself and care for them as well. It is taxing. It chafes against the idea of living life solely for yourself, and thus further commits you to the community of two through sacrifice of community of one. This is a good thing, I believe. I also believe we, as a species, are social creatures who desire proper pairing. I believe myself to be properly paired.

And happy.

That matters, you know. In the end of our lives we ought to be able to say we lived life happy. We ought to be able to appreciate our situation and the people we surround ourselves with. I have put myself around good people, and I have put myself in pairing with the best person I know. That is enough.

Some Thoughts:

1. Feels like a fast ten this evening. Time moves so strangely in the time of Covid.
2. Is the time of Covid nearing its end? I fear not. I fear the relapse of conditions, because we are rushing back to normalcy without everyone fully accepting that this is not gone.
3. Still, I miss me some sports….

I have the best partner in the world. When Phoenix Comicon crashed and burned in a Covid Smog she stepped up and decided we would do it on our own at home. So, we are having a in-home comicon. Each of us and our kids are responsible for designing and running panels, movie screenings, or games. We are going to make it a multi-day events complete with costumes, so we can celebrate the start of summer per tradition. I am stoked…

Kind of..

See, given the freedom to be completely and awesomely creative I find that I have nothing. It is down to stealing one of two ideas: Marble Races (Thank’s Jon Oliver!) or Screen printing tees, because getting clothing is such a huge part of what we love about comicon. Presently I am researching screen presses and marble tracks. I would enjoy both, though I think the rest of the crew would prefer the tees over the marbles.

I have a few more original ideas, but they all feel incomplete. I wanted to have a screening of the first season of Robotech running in the background. I wanted to design a new game based on characters from comics and Anime. I wanted to do either a best superhero/anime throwdown or best team up panel. Still, none of this is entirely out of the box, and that is the problem. Where is my epic creativity? Is it done. Has it fled into remission as though driven there by the medicine of daily life and bad TV? Where are all the big ideas?

Tomorrow I intend to spend more time in deep thought, and draw from up in me something epic. I have a chance to make an epic moment happen, and it feels like I should not squander it.

Some Thoughts:

1. Saw a soccer team practicing outside in the nearby park. Looks like youth sports are nigh.

Work days just look different. I can say without question that I a more productive and more relaxed working from home than I am working in the office. There are a few factors at play there. Commuting, privacy and focus, when I work, and quality of breaks.

I am not a person who shies from driving, but I also recognize how long driving takes overall. I spend no less than two hours a day commuting on a normal workday. That is time I spend listening to audiobooks, NPR, and the radio, but it is time best spent straight up working. I can roll out of bed and into the home office in under a minute. Once in the work mode I can bang out the work quickly, because I am not distracted by conversations or other people in general. I’m given my space and I use it well. I get the work handled, and when I feel overwhelmed, I stop.

I stop and hang out with my partner. Or I craft. Or I play Apex. The beauty is that I can do what I want, reset in my fashion and go back to it. In fact, I am doing that right now….

Back to work!

I just finished a really well written and beautiful story called Pet by Akwaeke Emezi. The story takes place over a 48 hour period and the book does not have terribly many scenes. Instead we are taken on a journey through the world and lives of the character and it comes to life in such beautiful images that you forget that the story itself is not action packed. In short, the plot is no hero’s journey. It takes a few steps from start to finished. Yet I still felt fulfilled. I also felt bothered. I focus a great deal on plot and this is not that. More and more I discover that plot doesn’t have the value to readers that it once did. I can therefore argue that people are increasingly drawn to compelling characters and the voice that creates those characters.

Emma Donoghue’s Room comes in at 337 pages and, well, it takes place in a room. Still, there is more plot there than in Pet and somehow I felt closer to the characters in Pet through their moments than I did to the characters in Room who were experiencing trauma so vivid that it became a movie. Pet is unlikely to be a movie in the way that there are certain books and stories that Gaiman writes which will never jump to the screen. Those are the character stories. However, I want to find a way to do both. Can you tell a deeply character driven story but still have an extensive plot–a telling of events that are layered in significance building to a climax but also taking the character on a ride that has several powerful stops along the way?

I guess what I am saying is I am good at making up plots and decent at layering in twists and turns, but does any of that matter to readers as much as character? Plot is supposed to be what happens to characters, but in fact what we notice more is how they react to their world. Perhaps that is what we are trying to learn, experience, and even recognize of ourselves in our reading of them. That is not about plot. I believe it is time I grabbed hold of that understanding.