I’m taking the next step in my life and my relationship, and it is terrifying. We have different approaches to parenting. Neither of us are capable of recognizing in the moment when we are treating some of our kids by a different set of rules than others. Both of us are rooted in routine, but there is an underlying fear that those routines are so different and centered on different things (us vs. kids for starters) that it will create conflict. In short, I am terrified of the collision of these worlds resulting in major discomfort for a long time. As a result I am making everything leading up to the joining uncomfortable.
I think part of my fear is this idea of privilege. I feel like she thinks my kids have too much of it to the point of being spoiled, and I think that creates an inclination to want that to be reigned in. I respect that, but I don’t want that feeling to color the choices we make as we move forward. I don’t want them to have less just to experience having less–especially when it creates imbalance between all the kids.
Moving forward means having more and more serious conversations and being open and honest about these feelings in a way that does not feel like an attack or feel like I am being offensive. I do not really know how to do that. I’m learning that about myself. I either say things in a way that sounds like i’m counseling or I say things bluntly and offense is taken. I don’t know the path to middle ground.
Younger me would be neck deep in books on the subject by now. Older me is apparently too lazy to think about that without some deeper reflection of the ten minute variety. So, I’ve come to this at long last. I have more to learn about relationships. Hopefully I can figure things out before I ruin this one again.