Month: May 2026

We are drifting into afternoon and I am feeling quite reflective about life right now. I had a rough evening and my mind and heart are fluttering terribly. I don’t understand it, because life is good. I’m in a really good space in my relationship and there are no real problems in my life… Which is why this small stuff feels so big. So, what are the issues? Well, my youngest is moving through the college recruiting process without me. I mean, sure, he reaches out if he needs money or someone to take him somewhere, but when it comes to the official (read: free) visits he doesn’t even tell me about them unless I ask. That’s what has me in such a funk about how I raised him. He went on an official visit to Oregon State this weekend and after I texted him what his plans were for the weekend on Friday he told me he was heading to the airport… That is not good communication or a good parent-child relationship. I get he is staying with his mom this summer, but why does that delete me from any sense of understanding about what is happening in his life? That led me down a dark hole to a realization that the only school that has talked to me in any form is the only one I spent a thousand dollars to bring him to visit.

The rest don’t even know that he has a father.

There’s the part that gets me down. They don’t know I exist, which means I don’t in any meaningful way for them and conversely, him. How should a parent react to that state of things? I don’t know. I’m still feeling out the edges of how I feel about it and why.

The rest of the downers have to do with writing. It is the longest running thing of importance in my life. I’ve been a writer since I could lift a pencil. I feel more and more that the life of writing is slipping from my grasp as I find myself writing stuff that isn’t vibing with what is left of my creativity. I’m eating out of the bottom of the carton here. Don’t know what to do about that dwindling creativity and how it does not gel with the stuff I am working on. I’m struggling to find character voices and motives in all of these 5 projects I’m engaged in. Being engaged in 5 projects (3 of which are for the same topical project) is a part of the problem to be sure. I hate feeling like I need to get through the work vs. enjoying and falling into the process of the work. I need to be able to get back to that place if I am going to write anything genuine and interesting.

I just don’t know if I can find my way back.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “A rematch of 1999: It’s Spurs vs. Knicks for NBA title, after teams met in NBA Cup final as well” 27 years later we get the rematch. I am so happy for all the players who have stuck around to see this moment in time. Last matchup was about another generational Spur doing his thing… Yeah, script is looking kinda tough. I still have hope.
2. Laying off the politics as much as possible because they bring me nothing but pain. I’ll leave that mix of pain and snark to Last Week Tonight.

I think…

I am tired and tired of being behind on all my work. It creates a basic level of stress that is way too high and drains my mental energy quickly. The Lady Talis thinks I’m sad (or angry) and I am really just wiped. I need to get back to a place where I write stories I care about, and if I don’t care about stories anymore then I ought not write.

I think…

I cannot wait for football season to kick back into gear. I want to see my kids shine. Specifically, I want to see the college player shine. He’s in an even better position than he was last year to succeed and at 19 years old, he’s getting to a physical place he can really thrive at. A junior at 19 is a bit crazy, but perhaps he’ll get two more years… The rising high school senior is taking official visits right now, and that is a trip. It dims that senior spotlight a little in terms of excitement, because by the time he hits the field we will already have his verbal commitment to a school.

I think…

That speaking of the rising senior, he just got some national recognition as an official 3 star athlete and ranked #59 nationally at the ATH position. Still cannot crack the top 100 best AZ 2027 players, according to one specific journalist who has no idea he exists… You’ll find out, Obert.

I think…

I got hustled at the grocery store. It was only four bucks, but it still stung. See, the 24 pack of water was 3.99. I paid 8.27. They claimed tax on the individual bottles (my best guess) plus some other odd taxes. I was too tired to care and paid it like a fool, but next time I’m gonna stand my ground on that nonsense. multiple bottle purchases of this sort are not subject to that tax.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Trump to headline ‘Great American State Fair’ for nation’s 250th anniversary after artists drop out” This is hilarious.

Right now my son is on his first official visit to a college team. He’s in Corvalis to see the Beavers, a dark horse candidate in the win my kid for college competition. His brother is with him, which is a good thing. His brother is a two time portal entrant who has a deeper understanding of how college programs work and what will and will not be good for his little brother. All of this is good news and good for the boy. What vexes me is that his birth mom is there too.

I’m doing that thing where i drag laundry out into the street. I’m doing it not only to air grievances, but to impart a lesson. Here it is: Kids are easily manipulated. They are especially emotionally manipulated by parents. There is a loyalty there they haven’t necessarily consciously chosen, yet is socially reinforced–especially in certain sects. Football (sports in particular) is a mom-loving sect. So when you are coding yourself to be like those guys you’re also coding yourslef to follow along with that script.

A few years back a good friend on my son got picked up by a lot of media networks for winning flag football player of the year. Kid is sold and probably should be on the olympic team this year, but that isn’t where the shade comes in. During this blitz he shot a promo where it was all about him mom and how she stood by him and fought for him through all his trials and troubles. This is true. Also true is the fact that his dad (who is not married to his mom) was there right next to her. They remain friends and pop is equally supportive. The promo did not mention that a dad even existed. That wasn’t the story.

I am no longer married to my youngest’s mother. Yet, unlike the aforementioned situation, I have been the primary sports guy. I’ve been the coach. I’ve been the trainer. I’ve been the financial provider. I’ve been the one paying for the non-official visits, the camps, etc. I’ve been the push. She’s getting the glory. She’s on the “look what I made” hype tour. She’s the one having the negotiations to help him decide his future. I’m not sure she even knows what she is doing.

Yet here we are.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “The vibes in Canada feel much different than the US as the World Cup arrives” What’s wild is how true that is. We got the World Cup–the biggest world event–and we are not handling it right. When I was in Italy during the last world cup people were filling the streets in excitement over the games. I’ve never seen that for the olympics. The USA doesn’t care about soccer nearly as much. It’s just another chance to make money to us… but it isn’t because politics have devastated our international relationships.

Somewhere in NYC the Knicks players are resting up as the two remaining teams slam into each other ferociously. There will be a game 7 in two days, which means two days more of rest… and two days more to go cold, but I am hoping coach knows how to fix that. Whoever they play is going to hit the floor tired and hot–just like the Cavs. I don’t expect the Thunder or the Spurs to give up though. I’m looking forward to this series. I do believe my Knicks finally have a chance. I mean it has been 27 years since we’ve been here. They lost that one. I remember it well. It was, coincidentally, the Spurs.

5 Games. Knicks won 1. They lost the final game by 1. I was a college student in Iowa in the summer. I’d watch the game wherever I could. I remember walking up to McDonalds to get Cyclone fries and watching the game after. I didn’t finish the fries. I was too pissed. No, not pissed. Sad. Lauren Hill did a rap song about how the Knicks suck in the post season. It was a reference to all the years before the 99 debacle–specifically 94 when they sold to the Rockets in Game 7.

Game 7 is coming up for the Spurs and the Thunder. I hope they wear each other down and the Knicks can finally rise.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Watch: Divers find trapped villagers alive in flooded Laos cave” Good news! I love it when that happens.
2. Also this: “Scott Bessent says steps have been taken to put Trump on a $250 bill”
3. Not the best day. Not the best me today.

I’m alive and happy and trying to figure out the plan for today. I’ve come up with a more regular schedule that is, of course, based around academic workload. I need to checkin three times a week at least on the work and that will align with the day after work is due. Likewise there are responsibilities as a student that I have and that can be up to three times a week, also aligning with the due dates. This makes it so I have a few days in which the morning routine is becoming more and more set. I have a good idea that the mornings ought to be the time I get things done, because I don’t have a lot in me once evening rolls around.

What I haven’t gotten is that writing routine. The sprints are helping, but those are not the end all of the writing process. They merely get me moving forward. I gotta keep moving though. I must find myself a better way to be, because I am in a place where I need to get the writing done and fast.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Packers running back Josh Jacobs arrested on charges related to domestic abuse” Bonkers or not? More and more we are seeing these charges spring up in regards to football players and other professionals who live that life of violence. When you do violence it appears that stopping or controlling yourself is a lot harder than it seems. Still to (possibly) throw away a career and that kind of generational wealth? Men, we gotta have more self control. We also need to get negative people out of our lives.
2. Not gonna talk about the Knicks yet… Soon.

I’ve convinced myself that in order to be a good writer you need to sit in a chair for hours and write, write, write. What if I’m wrong? Yesterday was the first time I used the ten minute method on any of my active writing projects and it went absurdly well. Writing nonstop for ten minutes about the stuff that is all jammed up in your brain is a surefire way to combat writers block. See, you wind up having those tough conversations and dealing with all of those issues and concerns on the paper or on the screen where it can actually be seen and considered. I have 5 drafts due and spent ten minutes dealing with each in turn and that turned into a wonderful opportunity to get things down that I’d been worried about and sort out the unknowns.

It worked and I am thinking that this is going to be a core part of what I do.

So, is this the only part? No. I do need butt in chair but I cn do it in various doses of time. I can fit my writing in the way I fit a puzzle together and instead of it being an obstacle it becomes an opportunity to take advantage of the time that I have. I always have some kind of time that I can devote to the craft and the more I realize it, the more writing happens…

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “South Korean Starbucks boss apologizes for ad campaign that evoked massacre” Bruh, get some better PR people. To quote, “The campaign compounded outrage by using the slogan “Thwack it on the table!,” which many read as a reference to a notorious 1987 police statement that attempted to cover up the torture death of student activist Park Jong-chol. Police claimed that Park died suddenly after investigators “hit the desk with a thwack.””
2. I need to wait till Wednesday (that waiver day, nes pa?) to post about the high school diss track that is the top 150 of 2027, because dude did not drop the update on time… again.

I Think…

I like this format. It is like Some Thoughts but in a slightly more formalized way that makes it feel different enough that I don’t feel lazy. I am lazy, which is a longstanding thing. Lately social media has been pushing this narrative that high intelligence men are not actually lazy but are instead in need of this one wierd trick. Which is to say, money grab. I’m not buying it. I am buying the fact that I am a systems guy. I was planning to be an engineer throughout my early life (as a fall back in case pro athlete fell through). Now I am all about systems that make me feel like I can operate within the structure, and occasionally break said rules. This is what drew me to RPG writing. I’ve continued to refine my systems. I’ve even added a ten minute timer to my watch face to make sure I am operating within the parameters of this particular system of expectation.

I Think…

I am more creative than I think, but I am trapped at the bottom of an ecosystem that only develops creativity higher in the system. I recognize this contrast each time I consider the work I do at the grad level vs. the work at the RPG level. I am beginning to feel confined by the systems therein. I don’t know that I can grow there.

I Think…

I am looking forward to the fall as the final HS football season (for a long long time). It will be great to see my kid close it out and for this to be the last HS graduation for some time. What does life look like without the responsibility of having non-adult kids at home?

I think…

I had another major thought I wanted to push out in this space before the clock got low. I totally forgot what it was as I was writing–wait! It was about using a ten minute timer as a break during writing sessions. More on that after I try it.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Holy deception: Rome’s ‘sexy priest’ calendar star never set foot in a seminary” So much came out in this article. First of all, the Lady Talis and I bought this calendar a few years back. I believe we gave it to her mom as a gag gift of sorts. Moreover, the fact that this is not actually affiliated with the Vatican should be obvious but it was not. It was being sold outside of the Vatican and near many many churches, so I kinda just thought it was good.

Somewhere, basketball is being played. I am supposed to care, but I don’t. So long as the Knicks win (tomorrow?) all is right in the sprawl. This post isn’t about that. It is about the shift I am undergoing and how it is impacting my body, mind, and spirit. While it has yet to be a full week, I truly believe in the power of Sunday. I’m calling it the start of the second week. Each week I expect to return to this space and blog about growth and change and how to become the person you want to be in 90 days.

I have not touched a scale since I started this journey. I know I was 238 when my feet left the ground. I am going to work hard towards change without specifically monitoring weight, because the key to a lot of what I am trying to do is about being active and being able to feel good about movement. On the mental side it is about being able to feel like I can do the things I need to do without feeling like an imposter. That has plagued me a bit recently, and there were setbacks as a result. Now I see the projects of the summer directly in front of me and, as previously noted, I know the hours.

I also know what kind of time I am devoting to moving around. I’ve gone from maybe 2 miles of total movement in an average day to 6 minimum. It is hard to flip that switch, but the Lady Talis has me moving and the rust is starting to flake away. It is going to take more time, but I am working hard at finding a new baseline for activity. From there I will start to grow into more active days. The same holds true with the writing. I am working back towards a baseline. from there I will work towards more productive days. All of this is much like the early days of the Ten Minute Rule where I set a baseline and made sure I did this blog–I did at least this much each and every day. When I can get there mentally and physically, I can start to heal my spirit and push towards who I want to be for every tomorrow.

The best is yet to come.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Young men storm a Congo hospital treating Ebola patients to demand bodies of their kin” There is more to this headline. Some clinics are being burned to the ground. The fear and confusion being sown throughout the Congo is maddening. We are too far advanced as a species for this nonsense to be tolerated. Yet, we treat Africa as beneath our human regard and respect, so it does happen and we are never going to grow as a species until it stops happening.

Still fumbling towards a routine that works for the writing and trying to get up to speed towards building the body back better. I didn’t realize the damage I’ve done across the last 10 months. It’s genuinely bad. +15 pounds at least and a ton of negative mental energy. That sort of thing is harder to get rid of later in life; especially when you’re wondering about how many good years you have left. So, I am here to get good and get to a place where I can maintain that good. I haven’t touched a weight or a workout plan yet, but it has only been a few days since we touched down here on Rebirth Island. I haven’t even settled in. I will though. Once we figure it all out, I will have a long time to get after it and make myself into the person I want to be moving forward.

Always forward.

I spend too much energy looking back at who I was and missing that idea of me. I gotta become who I can become now. It is a hard thing to do, but it is a thing I am capable of doing.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Abdul Carter calls out Jaxson Dart for introducing Trump at rally: ‘What we doing?’” What are we doing indeed? I mean I want to love this Giants team but I’m on the edge already. Don’t mess this up.
2. Skattebo might already have by promising more than he can deliver along with bad math. All signs point to him and Nabers not being available early season.
3. Since we are talking football, I want to go on record as saying the AZ press done messed up. You shaded my kid. He’s coming to prove you wrong. So, I guess a thanks is in order because by putting mediocre talent ahead of him (he hasn’t even made the list of 150 yet despite back to back all conference mentions) you’re getting the chance to fire him up. Thing of it is, he doesn’t need posterboard material. He doesn’t feed off that. He’s above it. I like that. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m gonna get to say I told you so.
4. Yep, I’m that dad. I will, however, keep it to a brief mention in some thoughts. Four words… when it happens, four words. Wait for it.
5. Random realization about having step kids. I’ve been in their lives for a while now. The Lady Talis and I have been in each others kids lives for half those kids lives at minimum. Most in some cases. What that tells me is that though we haven’t been there from the start or for the initial formative years, we’ve been a family for long enough that we ought to be a family long after we, the parents, are gone.

I’m spending a bit of time today on the planning side of life. What I am doing is dividing required work into hours and seeing how I can filter those hours into the course of a day. Presently I have three writing projects and three courses to develop, which amounts to 115 hours of total work. Now I don’t actually have that much time in a week that I am willing to devote to the effort. This means some of the work will drag out for weeks. The real question is how many hours a week do I have/want to devote to these endeavors?

Realistically, I recognize the work side of life tapers off more int he summer. I am always in a new location and dedicated to hanging with the Lady Talis, exploration, and bodily self-improvement through walking. As such, finding 5 hours in a single day feels like a lot. 4 feels liek a maximum. I’m thinking that I want to start building the day around a morning hour to cover some of the basic work (class stuff, mostly) and if I can stay ahead of that business I can really lock in on a 2-3 hour block of writing at some point in the day. This has not been discussed beyond the writing of this blog, so I need to work some more of this out with my partner. Still, the belief is that I can find the time during the day in a way that does not limit how much we can enjoy our lives and the space we are in. 15 of the 24 hours of a day are spent awake at minimum. If I can take smaller chunks of that time between activities to really settle into a work vibe, I’ll be back to being a productive person. Likewise, as I continue to be productive, the words should come faster. This present schedule estimates 250 words per hour. I can usually spit that much out in a ten minute blog.

I miss the times where that level of stream of consciousness writing is how I put together stories and other writing. Heck, this is already 360 words give or take. So if I can get back there, then I can be a much stronger writer. I need that.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Trump says he’s skipping his son’s weekend wedding” He blamed circumstances and responsibilities of the government. Yet, he has a scheduled tee time…
2. Since this wordpress format doesn’t have a wordcount, I fed the earlier text into an wordcounter to get the 360 number. That isn’t remarkable. What is remarkable is the allegation that it assumed 65% of what I wrote was AI generated. An additional 12% was considered ai paraphrased. Come on, now. I don’t sound that much like a bot… do I?