Author: admin

Recently I wrote at length about the concept of garbage in, garbage out, and the flailing sense I’ve been having about the writing that I do. There are of course a number of factors tied to this. Take for example the fact that I had to buy my own damn first novel and I’m likely about to buy the second one without having actually been paid for writing it, in spite of it being published 6 months ago. The lack of payment hurts (and is more and more likely to lead to legal action). What bothers me more is that I can see that who I am around is not great.

There is a saying I love: Look at your inner circle. If you don’t find anyone who inspires you, then you need a new circle. I need a new circle of writers. The more people who enter the circle, the less inspired I am to continue. In truth, I am rarely inspired by the professional writers I am around. I can name one guy, and he’s already shifted his focus to a different imprint. He saw the real before I did and got himself moving. Now I need to get moving on solo projects and loading my mind up with deeper and more nuanced understanding, so that I can be the best remaining version of myself.

Yeah, I said it that way. I can never be the energized excited writer I was twenty five years ago. Somewhere along the way that guy withered and died. I think it was probably back before the blog when I was playing football at the semi-pro club level and lamenting the life taking shape around me. Those dark years messed me up in a way that feels, at this point, unrecoverable.

Doesn’t mean that there isn’t anything left. I need to find that bit that is left and feed it and bring it to life.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “A note a former cellmate says he found after Epstein’s suspected suicide attempt is released” I hope we look back at this moment in time and really think about why the Epstein files became the biggest thing in the “white” world. This is an incredibly strange phenomenon. I get that this is a big deal, but I don’t really understand how it has been so politicized in various ways by the same political party. It makes the entire thing feel like bullcrap. Few actually care about the women who suffered. Most care about the fallout and who it brings down.

I’ve been struggling for weeks now. First it was this depression driven by what I perceive as bad parenting dating back well over a decade. Then it was this feeling of displacement in the home and amongst those relationships. This was followed by a deepening disappointment in the people and pets around me. I matched this with a level of dissatisfaction about my own writing that has not been this high in years. Then I got mad about not being paid (still mad). Then I let the politics impact me. Those were always there like a low background hum that steadily grew louder and louder.

Every morning it feels like there is a new distraction or a new dissatisfaction creeping through my mind. I feel as if I have so much I should be happy about in life, but when I look around, I see more of the other stuff and that is what I focus on. Things are not exactly looking up either. They look as they’ve always looked. I don’t expect people or conditions to change. I need to remind myself how to ride it out and be the best version of myself… Even on hump day.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Professor’s speech praising pro-Palestinian students sparks backlash at University of Michigan” The Bonkers part is that speaking up for the oppressed is sparking backlash. Couple that with the incredible lack of news about anything relating to Israel and that has to tell you something about how far we’ve fallen from the concept of justice for all. Tough time for a late-stage democracy.

We write because we love writing. Yet when that shifts–when profit factors into the equation–the writing may change with it. The business of writing is a different beast. I am presently owed $4000 by the company I generally write for. This is not including the two pieces I am writing now and have not completed. The problem here is I haven’t been compensated for past work, so the more I write, the more I continue forming a deficit. I am writing for money about stuff that I used to love but I am losing love because I am not getting the money. At this point it feels like more than disrespect. It feels neglectful.

These guys do not want to pay me for what they are profiting off of. While the sales of the novel released in December have slipped, it is still making money. So why aren’t I? I am going to stop taking contracts for a while. I’m finishing what I have, mostly with no expectation of getting paid without a fight. I’ll fight it, of course. I have to stand up for myself.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Trump’s drugmaker deals may save economy $529B over 10 years, White House says” The White House lies are getting more bold. This, from the team that also said that drug prices dropped 600%… Not believable. Yet somehow this will be blamed on someone else. Democrats, illegals, Biden.. probably all three.
2. The top 150 of 2027 reached #70 and still no sign of a TalisKid. See, that is what being a sleeper is all about. When CFBP teams are hard recruiting you but the locals have no idea you exist.

Why do people stick with teams? Why do we care at all? I like three teams and I’ve largely abandoned the worst of them. Well, worst, while being absolute, is a story of degrees. Over the last decade two of my three teams (Seahawks being #3, thanks to a son who is devoted) rank last in win percentage. In fact, their combined win percentage is less than that of the other NY team, and of course, the Chiefs. They are each worse off than the Browns who get a lot of press for sucking.

At least the Jets had 3 First round picks. They get 3 more next year and have the 6th highest available cap space this year… Guess who I’m playing in Madden 2027? The Giants had 2 first rounders and have about 15 million in cap space. That’s decent. I also think they are better positioned to win now than the Jets, but that doesn’t change the fact that this entire enterprise is a pipe dream. The chart above tells me that…

Then again, it is just numbers. Numbers have little to do with faith. That is what fandom is really all about.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Britney Spears pleads guilty to lesser ‘wet reckless’ charge in DUI case, avoids further jail time” This is less about the woman and more about the charge… Wet reckless? Sounds like her next album. According to the Crawford Law Firm, “A “wet reckless” is a negotiated plea bargain in which a driving under the influence (DUI) charge is reduced to reckless driving involving alcohol or drugs. It is not a standalone charge but a reduced-penalty alternative to a standard DUI, usually for first offenses with lower blood alcohol content (BAC) or weak evidence”
2. Quote of the Day: “My 5-year-old daughter asked me what the difference between baseball and football is. In her estimation it was: ‘Baseball is the one where they hit the ball with the bat and run around bases. And football is the one where you stare at the TV and yell, “F—!“‘” — A Jets fan.
3. Realization of the Day: I don’t have time to be a writer and a teacher and a student. Not if I want to have any time to devote to me. In little over a half hour my day is over. Noon I’m talking. Noon. For all intents and purposes I get to working by 8:30. That is less than four hours to get everything I need to get done in my life done. It is not a schedule I can work with and expect to be effective. I might actually be done this time, because everything that takes place after noon is more important to me and trying to cram it all in is making me stressed beyond human imagination.
4. I’m going to blog tomorrow about how I organize that small sliver of time that is supposed to represent all of the work I do in one day. I will say this: I’ve got to get a lot better about it, because today I spent an hour of it watching Darth Maul. I did so because I was burnt out and needed a break. I can no longer afford to take breaks during my work time. It is shrinking thanks to the lack of a work schedule. That time is being filled by more important things, like living life with the Lady Talis and our daily routines. When those routines expand, the work shrinks. This is especially true in weeks where I have the kid and need to drive him around the city.

It is easy to feel helpless in a hopeless place.

I didn’t quite realize that was where I was living until about an hour ago. It all cleared up this morning when I saw an empty fast food cup in the middle of our quiet culdesac and went to pick it up. I thought, at that moment, damn this feels like I am the old guy in the hood. Yet from where I am seated I am one of the youngest in this culdesac. Yet from where I am seated I have that same endgame feeling as everyone else who plans to live out their lives here. I started thinking about who I am around (neighbor-wise) and the level of energy and drive. It forced me to remember how easily influenced I am by my surroundings. That is part of what it means to be a social chameleon–or at least to try to be.

Every year I get worse. There was a time I’d pull out the story cubes on a weekly basis and drop new fiction in the blog. Ten minutes of new! Now its hard to imagine this blog being more than politics, old man whining, and the occasional sports post. The “where” excuse is still an excuse, but it rattles around in my psyche doing the kind of damage that makes a person want to get it out–to get out. Today I read an article in medium about a guy who is older than me, but maintains the biological health of a 30 year old. A large part of what he discussed was the mental game and self-care. Those are the two areas of my life I’ve neglected almost more than the physical. I cannot do what he does–we find our own strategies. I can choose awareness and to preference what should be most important in my life. It is hard here where the entire goal of the kids and neighbors is to not grind and instead to find more time to lazy. I fell deep into it.

Let’s see if I can get that foothold to start climbing out.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Musk testimony dominated first week Musk v. Altman. ‘You can’t just steal a charity’” Musk is suing the AI juggernaut mostly because he left the company and now they are valued at roughly 15x more than his xAI. Now he’s crying foul. Business is odd. I ought to write some stories about how it works and why we’re fucked.

I finished Mass Effect yesterday and it was every bit as good as I remembered. It was also very sad on a number of levels. It was better than my last play-through (all praises be to DLC) and having the ability to do it straight through all three games in a row was more of a cinematic event than the waiting was. I have to say, the ending was not very good the first run. It left a lot to the post credits scene, which is relatively disconnected.

None of that is the point of this blog.

This blog is about games and investment and storytelling. I believe a good game is one that tells a story. Sometimes you event the story with the tools provided. When I play Madden or NCAA Football, I am eventing the story as I go. I am adding the nuance between each prospect and inventing the relationships between the players. There is not a deeper open world concept to help me manufacture this reality. My players are numbers on a screen and don’t exist beyond the playing field, but I make up the story in my head because I want it to be there and there are enough clues and components to give me the tools to do so. Still, it is limited.

Really good immersive storytelling is the kind of stuff that attaches you to a character to the point where their pain is your own because you are them and their friends are your friends. This is the direction that games are heading towards with the help of better tech. The RPG revival is going to meet the game world in a way that gives us more Mass Effect level interactions. I want those stories.

Those stories take a lot out of me.

After I finished I could not imagine playing another serious game for a while. I got in a few pokemon matches, but the X-box has stayed off since. I don’t know when it is coming back on. I certainly am not playing Clair Obscura anytime soon. This is also the result of a good game. It leaves you satisfied in a way that refills your dopamine. You don’t instantly crave more. We need more things in our lives like that, so we aren’t all junkies constantly.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Spirit Airlines goes out of business after 34 years, ending operations immediately” You’re telling me they sucked for 33 years before bankruptcy became inevitable?!
2. I need to write a post about ambition. It is a key source of division in my life and bears discussing.
3. Also… This: “Prosecutors release video of armed man storming correspondents’ dinner” Watch it. This is a terrifying case of incompetence… on the part of both parties. One police officer (NOT secret service) reacted in time and fired shots at the attacker. Those shots missed everything and everyone. Turns out the dude wound up slipping and bonked his head, knocking himself unconscious. All the hype over how dangerous this was and how close he got is relevant in the sense that he could’ve gotten inside. He didn’t. He never even fired a shot. Let that sink in.

My wife, my muse, my Lady Talis said something to me yesterday that sank great roots into my psyche that will never be removed. She said that when she reads she wants to read for more than just entertainment, which is why she enjoys the work of Ted Chiang so thoroughly. This was not meant as an insult to my own work, though it is clear to us both that everything I have published has been for the purpose of entertainment alone and has no lasting sense of thought or consideration behind it. I write bad beach books. I write the stories one can easily consume, dispose of, and move on with life having tasted something akin to well-salted fast food. She said none of these things. They are true nonetheless.

As a partner, as an author, as a man with ego I have always wanted to write words worthy of her reading. I have yet to directly feel like anything I’ve written was worth her time or consideration. She reads it, she appreciates it, but I know it isn’t worth the energy of consumption to a person who feels as they do about the written word. I am no Chiang. I am no King. I am no S or A Corey. Not as of yet. The challenge implicit here is to write a thing worthy of being read. It is a challenge I have little choice but to accept.

How does one succeed? I believe the answer is in what I consume. If I continue reading crap I will continue writing it. The mind requires a diet much like the rest of the body. I have failed to nourish for years, which is why my ideas constantly feel old and faded like the jeans where the crotch threads have worn away to expose the rawest parts of yourself. I have an extremely long history of doing just enough to feel like I’ve done something, yet all the while have done nothing at all. It is about time I put a stop to it.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Helicopter complicates morning drop-off at Tennessee school” In honor of the wife returning to the family farm for a bit, I thought I’d drop some local-ish crazy news. Tennessee gonna Tennessee.

I don’t know how I lost the day. It felt so long ago that I woke up, and here approaching 2:30 I am realizing I don’t have much day left. There is a lot to be done and we are planning to hang with the kids, but before any of that an happen I have to get this blog done… So I’ll just jump into…

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “French teen charged in Singapore over a vending machine straw-licking video” It is grosser than you think… Young folks these days be trippin.
2. Looks like the kid is going to make State in the Hurdles after bringing his time down over a half second to 15.38. That is 13th in the state D1 category with the top 24 advancing. His teammate posted a 15.77 which makes him 25th. He is going to miss unless someone bows out and that sucks for the senior. Sucks for the team. Top 8 will advance to finals and the top 8 times in D1 are all under 14.9. He has more work to do to get to the finals.
3. Ready for the summer. Ready to have some time to explore being a writer and to get healthy on a daily basis. The energy here is always my excuse for not doing things. I don’t know how long that excuse will hold up.
4. Not a lot to say today. Feeling rushed but also surprisingly empty. Maybe it is the lack of coffee.

I think…

The widening expanse of social media and the pockets of false reality it creates are only deepening the divide between people. This is not only on a political but a personal level. We have increasingly become dependent as a people on parasocial relationships. These are already codified in Japanese culture as oshi-katsu, and have very much impacted the ability of that culture to create interpersonal connections. This, in a place much geographically smaller than ours where it is far more difficult to physically separate. Here, we can get away from each other and stay away and even stay in our little filter bubbles longer. This is not a good thing. This increasingly leads to diverse realities.

I think…

Politics offers us a very clear model of this activity and these behaviors. Take for example the ideas of the right that the “left” is more politically violent. This is fueled by the bubble. Fox News recently posted a timeline of every “assassination attempt” on Trump since 2016. Ten attempts listed here and most of these stories have been amplified over the years by Fox and other even more right-leaning outlets. KCCI posted a different timeline showing only attempts where suspects got close to the president(s). Most of what Fox and other right-leaning outlets listed was not included. This is not to suggest attempts do not happen. In fact, there were at least 11 attempts on Obama’s life. These were not politicized in the least, which is why most people assume there were not any. Furthermore, nobody got close to that brother, which is a testament to the people he kept around him. Trump, on the other hand, has been exposed way too often. It is almost as if they know this sort of coverage fuels political action and seek to take advantage…

I think…

I need to stick my head in a hole and start writing out my stories. I don’t have forever. I do have time now. It needs to happen sooner than later, because I want to be able to enjoy the time of seeing my work on shelves.

I think…

I am done, save for…

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Supreme Court ruling weakens a key tool of the Voting Rights Act” The decision voids majority Black congressional district in Louisiana, boosting Republican chances… This is indeed how democracy dies. Of course, we were never a true democracy. The rules ensured that.

Was yesterday, right? At the end of a semester it can feel like the hard part is over. It isn’t. In fact the shift from a well ordered semester to the end of the year and all that chaos becomes a real mess. I have a lot of things to do this summer and I have 90 days to pull it off. The clock starts in a little over a week and a half. I am in the stage of trying to figure out how to get ready for the summer sprint. Well, it isn’t a sprint if it is one quarter of the year.

Man, that is a lot to think about. For one quarter of this year I will be away and not have to be in this space and will have the Lady Talis all to myself. I’m not sure that has really sank in yet. This will be the longest continuous time we’ve been together without kids present. That in itself is a wild stat. I am nothing but ready for the opportunity.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “No spellcheck, no delete key: Cornell students tackle writing on manual typewriters” Wild. I suppose this teacher feels clever. Or is merely trolling.
2. Speaking of Trolling… “Ex-FBI Director Comey indicted in probe over online post officials say constituted Trump threat“