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I lost another fantasy season. I won one, which left me at two losses and a win. The losses were both practically last place jobs powered by 8 game loosing streaks. I don’t know what happened there in the middle of the season. It was partially injury driven, but mostly felt liek me not being good at picking up the waivers. I was extremely slow to process who was going to ‘pop’ and that cost me big in two of the leagues. The third, formed out of a random practice draft, only had a handful of people actively participating it seemed. I won that fairly easily, defeating everyone who decided to put in the work. I only stayed in that one because I was under the impression that it would take me into the Yahoo league of champions. It appears that it did not. So, that was a loss of sorts or at least an empty win.

I see FF as a form of gambling, and if you don’t have he opportunity to win anything or at least lose something (as I privately fund the family league so never actually have a chance to win money) then it isn’t the same. The point is the stakes. What is at stake and are those stakes worth working for? This year the answer was a resounding no. It points to a larger decline in my life with all forms of gaming. I don’t play many video games anymore, and it is certainly a drag on my joy factor.

I’ve spent the New Year in Japan and I find myself trying to remember exactly when was the last time I was here and, more interestingly, what my state of mind was at the time. This, dear readers, is the very heart of Turnback Tuesday. So, I reached deep into the vault to locate the days and events of May 2023…

I am sitting in, perhaps, the most beautiful writing space I’ve experienced outside of television. It is a simple and calm space. I am looking into a small outdoor area wrapped in a bamboo fence that encases a zen garden. The simplicity and small details give it beauty–as opposed to my own space, which is overrun with books, and swords, and light sabers and so on. Less here is more. This led me to thinking about my partner’s philosophy and core values. Less is indeed more. The less you fill your time and heart with, the more energy and love you have to pour into the things which truly matter. Defining those things is always a matter of choice and perspective, but the idea, as I see it, remains to limit those things to what comes from the natural world. She is an old soul. She believes in having a small number of meaningful relationships and closing herself off form the noise and clutter of life. She is not, therefore, a city person. I mean, hell, we own a farm in the deep woods. (Meditations on Peaceful Living)

The post goes on, but it does show that this place affects me. Even the title is reflective then of where I am now. As I was walking to this Starbucks in the middle of a park in perhaps the largest urban sprawl in human existence, I was struck by the thought of what would it be like to spend real time here? Everything I love about space and energy can be found in the outlying small towns at the edge of this sprawl. I would love, for a time, to walk to a temple every day and pay my ten yen in homage before praying to Inari for the strength, patience, discipline, and courage to live these next 25 in the fashion I desire. It takes time to realize the fragility of time, and once you do it may be too late. I am enormously blessed and enormously greedy. I have so much and desire so much more. I am not satisfied with who I am, where I live, what I have. I am not comfortable in my own stillness, yet I appreciate all that is within that stillness. It is a duality that is better realized in meditation than in the constant thump and hum of daily life and action.

Much transpired from May 2023 till now, a mere 19 months ago. That number holds significance for me due to the writings of Stephen King who first introduced me to the power and the gravity of numbers. The truth of his thought is impactful enough that I see 19 in much of the beauty I find in life. I will be married on 11/8, which adds to 19. Though I am drifting away from the main point here, it all circles back around to one thing: Meaning. I find it in my most peaceful moments and those, usually, happen far from home. It appears I need to find a way to bring that peace back into my own space and learn how to build a life there with my wife.

My Tolyo time is winding down, which is good news for my wallet. It is obscenely expensive to eat out every single day and still eat well in spite of an exchange rate of .0063. In context that means that my 2000 yen breakfast for two was 13 bucks. Yeah, it doesn’t sound like much. It sounds like quite a little in fact, but that is how you get tricked. You do a lot of ‘a little’ and it eventually adds up. My kids have mastered this exchange rate–one in particular has crafted it to a science. He spends $1.20 on a meal most days, which places him in the category of eating out cheaper than it takes to eat in. Meanwhile we are taking them out to eat for 3500 a person. Times that by 4 and suddenly you’re paying real money! I am trying not to pay too much real money, but here we are.

I have had an amazing time thus far. It mirrors the highs and lows of the relationships Ihave with both foreign exchange boys, but my personal growth in the situation matches their own. We are all doing well together. The Lady Talis? She always has her shit together, so it isn’t ever an issue. What is at issue is the sudden crunch of time that reflects the upcoming semester and slew of projects I am working on. I have a book due at month’s end. I have a novel rewrite due 15 days later. Then the new jobs will start cropping up. What I need is a schedule that reflects all this and a plan that factors in both grading and graduate school, because that is on the brink of becoming a thing again.

The truth of all of this is that I am firmly preparing for the next phase of life. My next 25 will be crazy. There is so much I want-need-intend to do over the next 25 years that the first five (which I am calling the ramp up phase) will be extremely hectic and equally adventurous. We have several countries we’ve yet to visit and need to lock that in before our schedules are coopted by needing to care for aging and ailing parents. It is go time and I am ready to go!

See, this is how you’re supposed to do Mondays. Strike at it with the energy of a thousand hammers. Push back against the gray of depression and threat of unending work and responsibility. See the sky in front of you and make your heart sing into the heavens. That, my dear readers, is what Monday is supposed to be.

I don’t know what time it is anywhere else in the world, but it is 9 AM in Taito City. I am ready to embark on my last official family day trip of this adventure–a short jaunt to Kawagoe to see thatched roofs and edo-style candy. The trip, while far from over, is entering a new phase. We are going to have more ‘us’ time as the kids go back to school. It has been a really solid trip for me in terms of growth both as a partner and a father. I am learning the different ways these boys process my input and how to be effective as a support system for them without making it about me or the Lady Talis. I am also learning exactly how good she and I are as a team. I never had that before. I didn’t quite experience partnership in this way. Before I was a part of a family but I was a solo entity with a function and an independent life. Here we are what I am told is a ‘we’ and that is a new one for me. I’m here for it.

In other life news: Nothing. No, seriously. The beat goes on. I am still writing (slower here on the journey) and still learning what works for me in terms of how and where to do such things. I am still prepping for Project 50 (up to 8 miles a day here on foot!) and learning how to take some of the good habits being formed on vacations (every vacation) and bring them back to the desert intact. That is the hardest part. I realize that where I live is a hinderance to being healthy, but I am also beginning to recognize it doesn’t need to be. I ought to be out throwing the ball with the kids and taking more long walks with the lady. I need to devote time and energy to these parts of the life the way I attempt to devote it to the words and used to devote it to the gaming.

That light continues to fade. I don’t know what the issue is entirely. I cannot get myself to play longer RPGs and I am no longer satisfied by NCAA or Madden. I don’t have a go to right now, and this means I hardly play games outside of a senseless hour plus binge every now and again when I try to force myself to tell the story within the game. Starfield used to carry me through that but now it doesn’t.

Years ago my brother pitched the idea of a bathroom book to me. He wanted to take pictures of various bathrooms across America. At the time I’d never been out of the country and found his idea to be, well, gross. Who wants a picture of a nasty roadside latrine in an overworked and understaffed QT? Over time I have visited many countries and each visit relights his fiery thoughts. Bathrooms are strange experiences. The toilets in the USA are very different from those in Italy which in turn are very different from those in Japan. I keep going to these different places and needing to use the ‘loo’ and discovering that the experience truly shapes an impression of the culture. Maybe it should not. It does.

In retrospect, he should have taken the pictures. I should have done the words. Maybe it is too late in our lives now to make it happen, but it is something that ought be noted by someone at sometime. The Bathroom Book (Poop Talk) is a wonderful idea for travelers and an actually silly but fun idea to keep in your own bathroom space. Beside photos of luxurious or high tech facilities there would be the average American flare of slightly below nasty. Words could include discussions on how to know if the space (especially in hotels) is really clean or merely surface clean. Call it a Zaggats guide for your tushie.

Some Thoughts:

1. It is, amazingly, in moments like these that I realize that I still have an ounce of creativity in me and a few stories left to tell. I do want to write the bathroom book or at least delve into a story where the character is writing that book. What an unconventional tale that would be!
2. In case you are wondering, Japanese bathrooms are on a different level. The technology here is very cool and distinct. Some even provide warmed seats. I have stayed in three different locations in Japan over two visits. This bathroom is the worst of the bunch. Clean? On the surface at least…

I must be addicted to naming things. It makes it cool and gives it a space of its own to hold. It also could serve as an excuse to dance around the problem as I focus on the aesthetic. I don’t expect I will do that with Project 50, but you’ll all know in a year or so. Project 50 is my life reset. Building off the argument of life hacking yesterday, I am trying to understand, measure, and improve the life I have left. I spent nearly 50 years putting stress on this body. Project 50 is a year long (and mapped) experience to take back my body and soul.

I will be using chatGpt as an organizational tool for the effort. It will help me collate all the data I have gathered and hopefully pull down some more from the web that can help me design a plan that I can stick to over the year to get the physical right. I will merge that with plans to get the mental and spiritual under control, leading to a better me by the end of year 50. I want to be stronger and faster than I am now. I haven’t run in years and that is problematic. I haven’t been able to play a game of basketball in years and that too sucks. I want to be in better shape. I want to sleep better and longer with less troubling dreams. I want to make love longer. I want to write better. I truly want to be a better person. It takes time. Project 50 is designed to be that starting point to give myself time to develop.

The numbering of the post seems as ominous as the cultural context of the year–at least to those living in North America. Snakes are, according to some relogious systems, evil things. However, I often find that evil is commonly entwined with trickery and intelligence. It seems that to be smart and to use that knowledge to manipulate rules or systems to your advantage is perceived as ‘evil’ depending on who is writing the narrative. In this particular phenomenon it is often those who were tricked or otherwise taken advantage of who wind up writing the narrative and thus feeling aggrieved. All of this is to say that this is definitely going to be my snake year.

I’ve been aggrieved for a long time. I’ve felt the victim and often allowed the system to disadvantage me, but now I feel it is time to take control of my future and take charge of my present. I intend to find all the tricks and all of the ways that can be used to my advantage both professionally and financially–even physically. I’m going to hack my own life. It is long past time to take control and be that person who is winning vs losing. It is more than a mentality. It is about forward-thinking actions.

So, I suppose I do have one of those pithy resolutions I spent the previous decade and a half complaining about. I resolve to hack my life and get rid of the extraneous code slowing down the vital processes. I’m going to replace those things with streamlined upgrades. I’m going to have a better self and a better life, because I finally realize that I absolutely deserve it.

I got a Bad fortune today. The worst part is that I felt it coming. I knew it was happening and tried to avoid it by skiping out on grabbing one every time it felt wrong. Finally I trusted my gut and my gut got me. In many Shinto shrines throughout Japan you can offer coin to receive a fortune. These range from Very good luck to very bad luck with stops in between. I got bad luck, which is not intended to be the worst. It was the worst though. It basically said that I shoudn’t get married and I was going to die. Hey, thanks. What would very bad be in comparison?

Well, I didn’t die, but I lost a bit of my heart in realizing how little respect my sons have for me. I don’t really know to what extent I am responsible for that disrespect, but I see it and feel it. I know it to be there and real and depressing.

But this blog is not about that untapped well of madness. This is about good and bad luck. The bad continued. I lost my bet on Boise State. If the luck holds then ASU will beat Texas and I will never hear the end of it. Quite the way to kick off the new year.

There have been two moments on this trip that have defined where I am at physically. Both are bad. The first was playing air hockey with my kid and realizing I lacked that zip to block shots. My mind followed with a brief but crippling depression as the Japanese version of the game flooded the field with a dozen pucks and I could not keep track of it all. He could. He won. He’s a lot younger than me. I felt that. I felt the body failing in the moment and it made me think I was impotent as a physical person. I didn’t and still don’t know what to think about that, which is why the second moment struck harder. We haven’t been here for long at all and in the second day of walking around the city I found that I was wiped out 7 miles into the day–at 5:30. I was done and ready to go home to a tiny hotel at 5:30.

This is certainly not who I planned to be and not who I intend to be. This is who I am. I need to acknowledge the truth of it and the lack of energy if I am going to address the problem in a meaningful way. Which brings me to the New Year. I didn’t win the lotto. I didn’t come up with a way to make much more money. I didn’t succeed at the rate I wanted to I did worse and I let myself really go physically. So, lose lose. I need a win.

This is my plan moving forward. I am going to slowly build my activity level and set a positive example through action. It is high time I got right.

The blog situation is a bit out of whack with the time shift. I moved forward a day when we went to Japan and that has me feeling a bit like I ought to stay on a USA schedule. I don’t quite get how to do that, so you may see an extra blog pop up. Ten minutes a day is great, but time can be a tricky thing. What is a day really? 24 hours, of course, but when you move through the globe you can effectively time travel forward and back in relative time. For example, going back it will be a flight that leaves one day and gets back essentially the time it left. Odd trick, that.

Time here is great. We are doing a lot with the kids and I am doing more physically than I have in a long while. It shows in my fatigue levels. Today left me wiped out and sore. I’ll be headed for sleep land very shortly.