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I’m wiped out.

I cannot say where it came from, though the Lady Talis has been also been under it for a few days. We are both struggling with low energy and I personally feel like this is the worst possible time. I have deadlines. I have to get back on track mentally and physically. I need to be in a space where I am focused on what needs to get done over the next two months and not wasting time and energy trying to get started over and over again. Story of my life right there. I tried to get going today, but slumped on the keyboard, eventually retiring to bed where I watched an episode of Invincible before passing out.

I will get there. Somehow.

I need to reframe this energy crisis into an opportunity. Everything is about putting time on task and allowing myself to focus and lock into one thing at a time, which I am not very good at as of late.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Iran has been blocking ships it sees as tied to the U.S. and Israel from the strait while allowing limited traffic, and Tehran appears to be charging fees for safe passage.” See, this is what happens when you let bros run the military. You wind up realizing that bros have no idea how to deal with real ones who’ve been doing this for a century. They’re being bombed daily and still managed to accrue zero fucks.
2. Earlier I said I had deadlines. It is worth knowing that a majority of these deadlines are coming from people who owe me money for work I did some time ago. So… pay this man.
3. What a difference a fan makes. I’ve learned this lesson in my 90 degree office with a faulty AC. Adding a Vornado changed the game for me.

Looks like my youngest may have punched his ticket to the FBS. He is sitting on two verbal offers with the opportunity for a 3rd. We’re going to Tulane next week to sit in on a practice and see if that verbal becomes contract. Hawaii has offered, and New Mexico is coming out to see him practice this spring. Other schools have reached out from the FBS but no traction there yet. Still, having them helps move the needle in terms of getting him to where he wants to be.

To quote NCSA, “Because a verbal scholarship offer is made by the coach and not the athletic department, it is not binding. Instead, a verbal offer is more of an agreement that the student-athlete will attend the coach’s school and sign a financial aid agreement, which includes financial aid papers and a contract. At any time, a coach or the student-athlete can back out of a verbal agreement, if they so choose.” Equally important to note is the fact that, “When a student-athletes makes a verbal commitment, it serves as a signal to other college coaches to stop recruiting them.” So even if a student commits, it is not entirely binding. You are only bound once you sign that financial aid agreement, which is the college version of a contract.

I don’t know if we sign on this visit. It feels like the visit is more about them seeing him than the other way around. Likewise, the kid cannot sign with them until the early signing period. So that means he cannot officially sign any paperwork until early December of this year. Any commitment would need to be verbal. Sadly, any visit to, say, Hawaii, would need to be an official visit, because we cannot afford that ride. Tulane has offered 15 other safeties that we know of, and Hawaii has offered 2. So, there is still a chance he is not at the top of the list for Tulane or Hawaii, but based on published offers, he is at least in the top 3 for Hawaii.

This is the system we work with. There is a lot of power given to these schools and little given to these students to be able to control their own futures in the face of schools’ abilities to pull verbal offers. I wish it was different. Heck, I wish they took the time to really consider what they are doing to these potential athletes.

They won’t

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Jury finds Instagram and YouTube liable in a landmark social media addiction trial” We knew it would be true. The real question is, what does this mean? Do my kids get money? Or is this just more lawyer nonsense?
2. Also this: “Perfect homework, blank stares: Why colleges are turning to oral exams to combat AI“
3. And this… “Teens get probation after using AI to create fake nudes of classmates” I mean, what did you expect? Once upon a time kids used to write nasty stuff about people they “couldn’t get” in the bathroom stalls. The technology has improved and the tendency has not gone away.

I tried this 90-day journal, and man what a failure that was. I cannot even tell you when I began the journal other than to say it was within the last two or three weeks. Four maybe? See, that right there tells you what you need to know. I still have it. The “plan” is laid out with a list of things I ought to be getting done. It also is not being used in any way shape or form other than to take up space on my desk. Oh, and as a dust collector. I have a lot of those. It wasn’t until this mornign that I shoved it into a drawer, shuttering my futile hopes that I’d foiund some new and innovative way to not suck at getting things done in an orderly fashion. I bought two journals, actually. The second wouldn’t fit int he drawer, so I’m waiting until post-blog to put this one away. I might, actually, be clinging to a little bit of denial with this one too. I know I won’t even open the box it came in.

I keep trying to figure out how to prime the engine. I know that once I get going I do a fairly good job of staying motivated and productive through the end of a project, which leads to another short out and restart. I’m like that car your dad was fixing all those years but never actually ran for more than a few minutes at a time.

But when it ran…

This should not be happening with my life logically more than half over. I should be shifting into retirement mode and not worrying about having to be ramping up production. However, I do not live that kind of life and, as a result, am going to have to work even harder over the next ten or more years to even get to a place where I can cruise out the rest. Mistakes were made, but damn were they fun ones.

None of this addresses the fact that I cannot seem to get it going. It is harder and harder these days, and I have no one to blame but myself and y own tendency towards distractions and escape… Kind of like how I’m about to escape these last ten minutes.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “All 5 fundamental units of life’s genetic code were just discovered in an asteroid sample” Still want to cling to the theory that aliens don’t exist?

I think…

that when children are required to leave the home they start to learn valuable information and lessons, like the fact that all of those interesting services they rely on but don’t actually need to think about suddenly need to be thought about. And paid for. The more places like Netflix and Crunchyroll et al crack down on use in different places, the fewer of my kids will be able to bum services off us. We’ll still cover phone, but that is about all. Those little things they don’t think about start to add up. Trust me, I know. I pay the dang bills to the tune of over 2K a month before we get into Electricity, Mortgage, and Water. Sure, kids today will hack into whatever they can and find the free version of dang near everything, so that is a bonus for them. My kids survive largely on youtube and instagram-type social media. These are things that require internet access. How much do you wanna bet that the next one to move out chooses to forego getting internet and instead links all his devices to his phone?

I think…

we are in a really bad place globally. Maybe it will all work out and through some backhanded means, the USA will come out of this Middle East thing on top. However, it doesn’t feel likely. I was recently reminded that DNI Tulsi Gabbard publicly claimed Trump planned to go to war with Iran back in 2020. So, this is all pat of the script. She came out forcefully against the idea back then, but he’s her boss now, so… I guess all of it falls under a “since we know what we know now” type disclaimer that all government folk (all folk really) use when they decide to do something they said they definitely would not do. In their minds they are liars but instead responding to evolving conditions. Frackin Liars.

I think…

College sports are always going to be about money and labels. My kid’s former coach, Ed Lamb talks a lot about the label theory. He says teams look a the label or sticker on a helmet and make a judgement call. Fans do to. Point of fact, my son got offered at Tulane. I didn’t know they were in the CFP until then. We don’t know what we know, and the teams with the money want to keep it that way for fans and for recruits up to the point where they will occasionally sign and pay players to bury them–keeping them off opposing rosters.

I think…

I am done here.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Iran trolls Donald Trump using his late mother Mary Anne Trump’s quote” The alleged quote “says, The quote “from late Mary Anne hoped that Trump would never venture into politics; otherwise, it would be devastating for everyone.” This is what world politics have devolved into. Bodies are stacking and we’re fighting a meme war, people! Seriously, propaganda has always been a thing, but this is next level.

I’m starting this one early in the day. I did this the last few days, mostly for a feeling of completion in a time where I feel like I am spiraling (spinning my wheels, to mix metaphors) towards some low order sense of oblivion. I seem to be focused on getting to the part of the day where I am sitting with my partner and playing Upwords. This is the daily touchstone. Anything leading to or from that feels less like solid ground. I don’t know why. I suspect it is because of the amount of change and travel and uncertainty all around me that I am mentally holding on to the one thing that doesn’t ever change as a mooring point for my day to day reality. That is supported by the fact that I often don’t even know what day it actually is.

Today is Sunday. I know that because I received an alert that I have homework due tonight. Also another that I have a meeting tomorrow–which the app told me happens to be Monday. What sort of life do I lead that takes that level of deconstructive analysis to realize what day of the week I am on? So, it does truly appear as if my life is in desperate need of a scheduling fix. I need to figure out regular times and spaces for things and stick to it. As we know, sticking to it is an extreme weak point for me due to laziness and a not-so-latent obsession with video games. Yet, if I don’t lock in and find some measure of schedule, I cannot find any measure of balance. The latter is what is going to help me rediscover that kindle of motivation to be more than the saggy man I am today.

Maybe it happens. I hope/want it to happen. If I am following “the way” then it is up to me to make it happen. So far it has not.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Florida hospital sues to evict a patient who won’t leave room 5 months after discharge” There was a guy in New York City who did this in a hotel, but a hospital? Bro, the cost has to be astronomical for this lady… Also, what sort of mental issues are at play here, I wonder?
2. Also This: “College Republicans sue University of Florida’s president over deactivation of its chapter” I am really getting tired of the white victimhood narrative that is shaping American identity. It is old, tired, and absolutely full of shit.

This isn’t a rant so much as it is an admittance that I do not know what I am doing. I’m not one of those people who takes their role models from TV–not for certain things, at least. Everything about being a father I basically made up after a point. I did have a man in my life who served as my dad. He died when I was twelve. He wasn’t married to my mom so much as he was simply the man in her life. Moving through life I realized how common that kind of person was for people and how equally common it was to not have a father at all. Men don’t do what we are supposed to do. I hope that is changing. I hope I am part of the change. That does not mean I am doing it right or even know what I am doing.

It would be nice to have a person to turn to to ask questions and confide in. It would be nice to understand how you’re supposed to be ready for all these moments in life that I’m not ready for. At the very least it would be nice to be able to talk to someone who has been through it in a way I understand. But that isn’t my reality. I’m looking up to empty sky. It will be different for my boys. They’ll have someone to turn to. They’ll have someone to confide in and someone to ask the big questions. Hopefully by then I will have figured out some version of the answers.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “S.C. woman buys four lottery tickets, wins four times” As a man who is not doing well with the money, can I get one?

Fun fact. It is entirely possible that this blog will go on for eternity. Till the end of the internet. Till the servers finally fail. Till, well, whatever bot system I setup fails. I say this not because I plan on automating the Ten Minute Rule, but because of the preponderance of AI Slop running the net proving to me that I absolutely can. I stumbled upon yet another false channel on youtube. Seems like I find a new one every single day I log in. More and more that is all the ‘tube is: seemingly endless repeats of real videos recycled with a great deal of GPT languages.

We are cooked.

What we are seeing is the lowest common denominator people monetizing creativity without even being creatives. This sucks and only creates more slop, because if people subscribe or like it, more people start doing the same dumb thing. It sucks. It makes me feel like there is not a lot of opportunities for good stuff to be seen.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “ABC cancels ‘Bachelorette’ season with Taylor Frankie Paul, citing 2023 video” Yeah, she facing domestic violence charges… They also cancelled the new season of Mormon Wives (or whatever it is called). Wild stuff there.
2. Spiderman trailer dropped. Yo, it is gonna be fire.

I’m doing this now while I am thinking about it. Thinking about anything, really. I’ve been dragging ass as it were. I’ve yet to really do more than just think about the possibility of being productive. This is of course a useless mental exercise. Do, or do not. There is no try. This is especially true of taking action in ones own life. At least I got up and walked a few miles with the Lady Talis. These things also matter and do much for the heart in the physical sense. I’m not sure what is going to do that in the mental sense. Feels to me like every time we have a chaotic presidency I start to spiral alongside it, thinking about the futility of it all in a failing world.

I’m mentally drained, but the above is just an excuse. I’m trying to do too many different things as always. It never works the way I want. So, the key is to really focus on locking in on one thing at a time and learning how to transition mind state between these things. I am not very good at it thus far. 50+ years of trying. A drop in the water for an Elf.

I’m no Elf.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Military report says ‘one in a million’ live fire malfunction rained shrapnel on California highway” Yet the governor closed that highway prior to the event causing the shrapnel because he thought something stupid would wind up happening. Yep. Points.

This is not exactly a Waiver Wednesday so much as it is a post about the weird and complex world of getting scholarship offers. My son was recently offered a full ride FB scholarship to Tulane University, a D1-FBS school, and his most prestigious offer yet. Here’s the problem: He cannot commit until he gets on campus and meets face to face with the Head Coach. This is common. Usually in this situation the school will drop dollar and fly a kid out. He cannot take an official visit (meaning school paid) until April 1st. Even then you only get one per school. Generally speaking, the more the team pays for a visit, the higher up the list you are on their Want List. So, we are in a situation where we need to consider how much these schools actually want the kid.

I’ve done my research. He translates to a 3 star recruit right now, though I have yet to figure out how to make that official. His official UA metrics match that number, but Under Armor doesn’t issue stars. So, I have more work to do to get him official. And get him to Tulane to see how we can make this snowball.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “An iconic Oregon waterfall was put up for sale on Redfin. Lawmakers approved the money to buy it” Apparently it was owned by a company that supports Benedictine Monks in the area. So the local government stepped up to buy it before a private owner could. The quote is the best part, “It’s not every day where you see a waterfall come up for sale on Redfin or Realtor.com with no price,” meaning I shuolda been on that!
2. Calling the Iran War a war of choice is kinda strange.. Isn’t every war a war of choice unless you’re actually attacked? The best part is how mad our government is that nobody wants to join our efforts in spite of not being consulted or even informed before we bombed the crap out of Iran and started this thing. Now Trump is pouting… and fuming about bad press. What sucks is how he is likely to make us respond, which is to take his ball and go home–at least when it comes to other conflicts around the world. This situation is seriously going to keep spiraling. Worst President Ever.

I recently introduced myself to James Clear’s work on habits and failure. A quick email entry and now I get these messages about getting right and habits of mind. One of the things I’ve struggled with since I stopped being a kid back in the 90’s is consistency. I have this vicious cycle of working really hard, getting burned out, and then lamenting the fact that I can’t work, and then floundering until I can get back into gear. This has been going on for close to 35 years. It is the core source of my failures in life from academics, to relationships, to sports, and on. As I get older the one thing that changes is my access to support. I finally have the Lady Talis in my life, and that is a game changer. It gives me a mooring that did not exist prior to our meeting. Sad that it took me so long to find the main thing I needed to get off the cycle.

Yet, I am still on the cycle. Clear talks about a lot of reasons why that could be happening. Foremost among those is this idea of habit and how environment shapes habit. It is a simple matter of reinforcement. What habits am I reinforcing by how and where I place things in my spaces? To borrow his example, if I want to do five burpees in the morning before I brush my teeth, I should have a post it note to remind me of that right on the bathroom mirror.

While I am not one to slap post-it’s on a mirror, the core idea of what he is saying does make sense. I need to condition my space to reinforce the habits I want, and to dissuade the habits I don’t want. So, if I want to work in my office in spite of the oppressive heat, I need a good fan. If I want to avoid youtube, I need to put my headphones away so that going to the ‘tube means getting up and actively making the choice to retrieve the headphones. There are several other space-based changes that could be effective, such as what books remain at eye level, so when I turn my head seeking inspiration, there they are.

This is a start. I need more to get right. I’m not mad at the baby steps.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Poland is now among the world’s 20 largest economies. How it happened” Who knew?! Seriously, I grew up pre-2k and the thought of Poland being a top 20 in the world economy is bonkers. A lot of people thought they’d be absorbed by other eastern block countries. Didn’t go that way at all. So, Poland, eh? What’s retirement like out there?