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Shaq O’Neal is heralded as one of the greatest basketball players of all time. He grew up squarely in my era, being only a few years older than myself. I was able to watch from the perspective of a young (clearly less physically gifted) athlete as he grew into a phenomenon. Shaq didn’t make it because he was big. It was a factor. An equally sized factor was the fact that Shaq did not give a fuck. That is the one thing he had going for him that I never caught on to. He didn’t care what others thought or how his actions ‘played’ in the wider world. Shaq is and always will be unapologetically Shaq, and for that I give him thanks. I finally figured out that it’s the secret sauce to being successful.

I care what people think about me. I walk around my job like a ghost because I don’t want to have to encounter people who have thoughts or feelings about who I am and how I operate. It needs to change, and I am making those changes starting with the acknowledgement of how and why that happens. Part of it has to do with how I established relationships. I was everybody’s friend–the social chameleon type who wanted to be in on the conversation. That never seemed like a hinderance until the tide shifted and people started to look at me more as a liability in some circles than a boon. I started getting tugged in different directions and the emotional tide pulled me away from the reasons and habits that formed my early success. I became the fodder of whispers and trash talk and that absolutely hurt me. I cared and I was sad and for years I wanted to quit. That emotional low affected the effort I put into the job and straight up made things worse.

Over time I found friends and a group/purpose within the school that made me proud. However, that too began to conflict with what was at the core of my life and I ruined that in the course of time.

I should’ve been more like Shaq.

I should’ve done me and been 100% unapologetic about doing me and wanting to do the things that both make me happy and create an environment where I feel at peace and where I explore the things in life I want to explore and achieve without any fucks to give about what other people think. Shaq did.

10 days and 10 chapters into the process I finally think I am starting to get my shit together. It is about deciding to live a life worth living. I think somewhere in the darkest recesses of my irony driven psyche I am still convinced that the moment I completely have it together I am going to drop dead–never having enjoyed being on the top of my game. Morbid, I know, but I gotta go sometime (sadly), and I might as well go out on top.

So, what does it take to get there? Dedication, focus, less stuff to do? All of that helps, but I think the key for me is manageable tasks that build towards a goal. I always take it back to Steinback who wrote, “When I face the desolate impossibility of writing five hundred pages, a sick sense of failure falls on me, and I know I can never do it. Then gradually, I write one page and then another. One day’s work is all I can permit myself to contemplate.” So I write 1000 words and then another. I find the kernel of a thing and build from that. In coaching I learn one skill and then another, knowing that they all come together to form a matrix; knowing that all the words coalesce into a story.

Another part of it is sleep. I actually get some. Not enough, mind you. There are multiple days in a week where I’m not with my partner and thus have no reason to retire and instead lie there consuming bad TV and playing Apex Legends long into the night. On a whole though, I’m doing pretty good with the sleep cycle.

I’m also doing much better with delegating. I used to feel responsible for everything. I used to manage all the housework. Now I manage far less at one location, and conversely far less than I should at the other (I am fixing that part posthaste).

The key I see when I consider all of these things is the concept of balance and manageable tasks. I’m old. I can’t write a novel in two weeks like I did in college. I can’t stay up for three days like I did in high school. Those moments and actions shaped me into who I am, but they also set false expectations of what I can achieve in ‘normal’ mode.

So, if you’re reading this then you ought to take away one thing: Set small goals that you can manage and that build towards a larger ideal. Do enough of these things in the areas of your life that are important and don’t overdo it.

I’ve been quite reflective as of late. I’ve also been fearing the end of the world, but I chalk that up to populism. I’ve been listening to the zeitgeist and understanding how things can slide one way or another although how they slide might not actually be about the reality. Take Captain Marvel as a prime example. This movie has become about being a female heroine and pleasing the ‘generation of females who grew up with Danvers as a hero’ while ignoring (openly) the truth of the Captain Marvel character in Marvel lore. But it isn’t about the truth. Not much is anymore. We’ve become a world built around the ideas more than the action or the actuality of things. We are in a world where Trump can be the scion for religious right at the same time that they rail against everything that he is as a human being.

Zeitgeist is generally defined as the spirit or mood of a particular period of time and I feel like this particular period is defined by image as things went in the middle ages. I feel most strongly about this when I watch situations like Brexit and the Trump election unfold. I also feel like the smartest people in the room are the ones pushing image in one direction or another by causing friction between the polar ideas occupying the headspace of the most fringe people in our society. This is a problem. This is the way things have gone cyclically in our world. Sad to see we are cycling towards such a thing again.

Some Thoughts:

1. Personally, I think I can be happy with just a handful of things in my daily life. So long as I cuddle with my lady, hear, read, or write something interesting, and maybe play a game I’m good for the day. Anything less than the first two and the day is not good. If I miss all three I’m gonna revolt.
2. Funny how I define so much of my reality in threes.
3. Or less funny than funky math.
4. One of those days, I guess…

Hear ye, hear ye, pray ye hear of the greatest story ever told. Or not. In truth here of an experimentation so vast and intrinsically overdone that the impact of said experiment served only to dim the bright within.

Yeah, I’m watching Game of Thrones again and also listening to Lincoln in the Bardo. I simply cannot suffer both at once. Lincoln is going to lose.

The book was named a top 10 by multiple well read and well sourced media outlets including the New York Times. Generally I take the opinion of that review very highly. In this instance they may not be wrong persay, but the way I am indulging in the book limits its value to me tremendously. This is a book that needs to be read. I cannot for the life of me sink into the audio in spite of a dramatic cast that features many of my favorite narrators.

The book is a meditation on the multi-perspective view. Most passages are cobbled together from accounts or voices from the afterworld that come together to form a complete picture of a moment or a life. The NY Times argues the effect of this can seem overwrought. Saying, “The supernatural chatter can grow tedious at times — the novel would have benefited immensely from some judicious pruning — but their voices gain emotional momentum as the book progresses. And they lend the story a choral dimension that turns Lincoln’s personal grief into a meditation on the losses suffered by the nation during the Civil War, and the more universal heartbreak that is part of the human condition.”

I agree with the assessment but lack the time to edit my response down to such a meaningful yet snappy reply. I’ll just say this: Listening to 17 perspectives of the same scene can be a bit tedious in an audiobook, especially if you have to break into a new narrator voice for every description of who or what is saying the thing. So I’m going from voice to voice with a transitional voice in between to clean my auditory palate like so much sorbet.

I have not finished this book. It seems better suited for playing minecraft and lauding the disconnect from the real world than it does for driving to and from wherever. I’ll finish it another time, and maybe I’ll enjoy it then.

for now, too much. Too much indeed.

Long day. One of the longest I’ve had this year and it is only 4:23. I’ve gone through a consultation with my mechanic, got the car repaired, help diagnose the remaining car issues, completed a full football workout with the kids we are trying to pull into a team for the fall, played games with the kids, played video games with the kids, quit a job I once loved, and now I am writing.

Speaking of the kids, my kids are being very respectful of my writing. This is not to say they no longer want my full attention. They do. Still they realize I need to write and give me the time and space to do that. What’s more is that they’ve been telling people I’m a writer and that I publish stuff. That’s a new development.

Okay seriously, I know I buried the lead deep there. It turns out I wasn’t really up to being an advisor for the honors society any longer. I don’t have it in me. I love what it brings to the students. I don’t love how I feel when I am there. They deserve someone who is about this first. They need a guy who is 100% in and is going to drop the rest of his life to handle what they need. I’m not it. I have other things going on. I was willing to lose an entire day of hanging with my boys, catching up on rest, and catching up on grading to be a convention that I did not see a ton of personal value in. I am done giving up weekends and taking trips for stuff that pulls me away from the people that matter in my life.

So what now? I don’t know. I am still focused on creating an amazing learning environment. Taking this off my plate will help narrow my focus down to the key essentials. The goal is to make the most time for what matters. And limit how much I allow to matter so I can be completely committed to what remains.

I’m listening to Ghost Stories and preparing to finish day 6 of the 1000 words a day habit architecture (trying to build up to naming this and writing it up). I am trying to decompress and reflect on being in a situation where it is clear that everyone else around me cares quite a bit more about what they are doing than I do. I’m a dabbler. I can be very good at a number of things, but I choose to be one foot in, and don’t apply the full attention. The only thing outside of my love life and parenting that gets 100% presence is writing. When I write I’m all in. Perhaps that is why some of the other stuff is sloughing away.

This week I’ve experienced a number of failures or short circuits in my professional life that have ruined my image with co-workers. That is to say the small number of co-workers who still apparently appreciate me has dwindled entirely due to my actions. Not much to say about that other than I’ve proven myself to be unreliable as of late. More to the point, I’ve decided that writing is my primary focus and as a result I feel as if the other stuff matters far less. It goes Writing then coaching and then teaching. The last two might not even be in that order as I haven’t been willing to put in the number of hours of research I ought to in order to be more successful in the coaching realm.

Loose thoughts are trailing around, so I’ll shut down this pity party and turn things over to them.

Some Thoughts:

1. I wonder if we are capable of shifting through timelines post death and experiencing other timelines as ghosts. Is death a reset or do we move to another form.
2. Got a weird call from my mother in-law who called me because she said I called her earlier. I didn’t and I hadn’t heard from her for almost a year prior. It struck me as odd, because she said she was worried that I called as if something was wrong. Just one of those nights I suppose.
3. I like writing to light rain vs. thunderstorms.
4. Yeah, these are some random thoughts tonight.
5. My kids are watching Kevin Hart’s black history special entirely on their own.

I have a batch of cookies in the oven, so at the end of this I am going to be quite happy. I’ve been a mixed bag of emotions lately. I’ve let several things slip that I shouldn’t lately–a sure sign of burnout in a number of professional areas. One area that has not slipped is writing. In fact, the writing has gone very well and the new 1000 a day has been working with few hiccups or stress or stress points. Tonight I am writing by candlelight in my office, loving that the ambiance can carry the words and worlds out of my soul.

The 1000 word plan revolves around a core novel, but the unit of writing–one chapter–can be re designed in any fashion down to the basic one scene look that has me writing (overwriting) a scene so thoroughly that I get every ounce of detail possible out of that scene and the characters that upon revision all I need to do is cut away words like a banzai gardener. Yesterday’s words felt very much that way, because I was working on a one scene chapter, which I’d already outlined to the tune of 500 words. adding another thousand was rough stuff, but it really did work. I got down into the bones of the people and their needs and worked out some of the things I’d yet to tackle in that particular novel.

What I need to be sure I am doing is taking moments to write beyond the 1K, because I am a man who works from outline, and without the outline I find myself drifting from story to story following whatever idea catches the sails of my imagination. That is not very productive. So, I will continue to give myself additional time to outline the new works while I am pursuing a 1000 word lifestyle.

Back to the idea of letting things fall, I know this is a major concern that needs to be addressed. Apologies need to be made. A solid schedule needs to be designed, and above all of that I just gotta bite down and do the work that I don’t have the passion to due–regardless of burnout.

Part of being a grownup and a writer and a professional and even a coach is doing the hard work. Doing the stuff you don’t want to do. My partner has long said that I am pulled in too many directions. She was right in part and I pulled back, but if I am not occupied enough it is the same as being occupied too much. Finding that balance is difficult and finding ways to rejuvenate my passion in the things I don’t want to do is a much larger problem than being pulled in multiple directions. In truth, I love the rhythm of a routine. What I dislike are the things in my life that constitute that routine.

Here’s something interesting: Eli Manning ranked 8th in passing attempts this season behind Patty Mahomes (7) and league leader Big Ben. He ranked 21st in overall passer rating, which is what that horrible farting sound you hear whenever someone says Manning comes from. Objectively, he did not suck as nearly as bad as people are saying he did provided you take into account the limited play of Beckham and the expected ‘sophomore’ slump of Shepard. In fact, what he did is exactly in line with what he has always done in the first year adjusting to a new offense. In fact, he is primed to have a legitimate top 10 QB season this coming fall.

Yeah, I’m saying Eli still has game left.

Not a lot. The man is 37 and scared, but continued improvements along the line, a better schedule of matchups, and a clearer understanding of the nuances of the offense will move him towards a successful season that may be his last. This is a significant change from my previous position on the issue. I say this now because I ran the numbers. I listened to the coach. I watched the tape. Turns out Eli ain’t quite done.

That doesn’t mean we should pass on a QB this draft. I watched Murray’s tape too, and the kid could be exactly the kind of player NY needs. The fact that he isn’t a stand out vocal leader in the mold of The Browns new leader is not an issue. More of an issue is the leadership already in place and how the coach can reign in Beckham or, at least, direct that energy towards more positive means. Facts are facts and the fact in this is that Beckham struggles with emotional control. The fact that goes right with that is his emotional energy helps the team win games, and if they are winning they are likely to keep winning.

I think the Giants have a recipe for goodness in the coming season.

Game of Thrones is really well done. I’ve said this before, but I believe it is important to note that this is not the first time people have efforted to do a show about this type of fantasy world. Few have succeeded. I believe that the most successful of this type is in fact the show in question: Game of Thrones. As I say, it is good. Second watch good. I feel like it is working for reasons beyond the sex stuff. It does simmer down quite a bit in season two and beyond. I feel that it is working because there are dynamic characters that we love and that we hate. In specific there are characters that we love to hate, and that has absolutely led to a situation where we are drawn in to the world by the characters and we stay long enough to appreciate their arc and outcome.

Jaime Lannister is among my favorites. Two of my favorites are indeed Lannisters. I like the Lannister men, but love to hate Cersei. She’s awful and I am waiting patiently for her to suffer long. Still, there is no final outcome to this Game of Thrones beyond that which is to be created by the makers of the show… Martin has failed us.

I am not yet ready for the challenge Martin presented to me—to all of us who write in the realm of fantasy. This is a story that needs to be bested. As he is likely (and sadly) to go the way of Robert Jordan it is on us few to write a world that builds upon the beauty and horror of his world and yet gives us a new memory. One that is complete.

Some Thoughts:

1. I miss the MMQB blog post in the fashion it was meant to be written.
2. I am on day 3 and the writing has continued wonderfully. I’m proud and believe I can do it.

Perhaps this blog is more useful than I thought. I’m two days into my new habit of 1000 words a day. It is a supplement to the rule in some ways and a completely different pursuit in another. The 1000 is entirely story based and a way to ensure that I am writing story material and publishing on a far more regular basis than I have been in the past. In other words, it is my effort to live a writer’s life. Now I thought 1000 words a day was a nice minimum because it would only mean a few hours of writing, but the truth is that this short limit is extremely manageable, thanks to the training I’ve been doing over the last few years on the blog.

In truth, I can burn through 1000 words in a ten minute session if my fingers move fast enough. In certain cases I am moving basically at the power of thought. I am writing down everything I know about a scene or story as fast as my fingers will let me. This is how I used to draft fiction before I was caught up in the rigamarole of thinking that the first draft is the only draft. Part of that has to do with the simplicity of making corrections on a digital platform vs. a pen and paper situation where I would write and write without any thoughts of going back right then. Built into the handwritten draft is the promise of a revision that comes with the act of transferring handwritten files to a computer format. Without that promise I suppose my subconscious convinced me to make those corrections on the fly.

Two days in and I’ve hit my mark relatively easily both times. Each time corresponded with the chapter of a book I am working on–day 1 chapter 1 and so on. This is going to work for the next 28 days or so, leaving me with a more refined draft that I can later add and subtract from, transforming hurried language into languishing beauty. Or just cleaning up stuff. Whatever happens. We’ll see how I feel about that 28 days from now.

Meanwhile, I have been stopping right around 1000, and it feels more or less natural. What I have noticed is that after I hit the artificial mark I have an urge to write more. I’m not following that urge as of late. I’ll follow the thought I am on to its conclusion, but I don’t push it. The daily count is still a very fragile thing and I am unwilling to break it.

For now it is just about firing up and keeping this writer’s engine running hot for the foreseeable future and on through the next story.

460+ that time, by the way.