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I find myself at a low again. There are a number of factors contributing to this state of mind but the biggest one is that feeling of being out of control. I feel like I don’t have the tasks in my life in hand and, beyond that, I am not very helpful to the Lady Talis and our so very many kids in helping them get to a healthy place in their lives. In fact, I find most of our children to be at a very unhealthy place in their lives and all I can do is stand back and watch.

I keep having this dream. In it we own a rather large home with multiple floors. However, the lady and I never go past the first floor. In truth it feels like we live in the basement (unpack that!) with visits to the first level for lord knows what and to get to our cars. The upper levels have tons of room that is not being used. In some dreams we have kids who decide to crash there and in others where our kids are in the dream, they are not living there and are actively seeking housing but seem unaware that there is space on the top five floors. These dreams often coincide with moments or conversations where the kids are making choices that drive me flat out insane or argue that it is (and it really really is) time for me and the lady to get out of town. There is an opening in Seattle right now and I am going to talk to the lady about applying. Maybe that stops the dream. Maybe that forces the issue for the people in our lives. I don’t think that it will though.

I need to find a way to get my head right and my heart back to full where it belongs because the now is a sense of sadness that I’m truly struggling to endure.

I recently came to the conclusion that I need to go back to school. Being a man of nearly 50 years in a place where scholars half my age are considered old, this is an odd choice. Still it’s one of some importance. I need an MFA. Terminal degrees are the blue security badge of the academic world. Without one you’re not really getting in the building. You’re certainly unlikely to be asked to stay.

I am transitioning from being a full time teacher and dad to watching my last move on in a few years (which will trigger the ones who’ve stayed to have to go). That change unshackles the Family Talis from this desert hellscape. However, all is not terrible here. For one I have a job and they accept my Masters as valid and my teaching acumen as pretty darn good. Whether or not I can prove that I’m “good in class” to another institution is immaterial if I cannot pass the qualifications needed for my application to be taken seriously.

So, mfa it is. While there are a number of possible suitors in this regard they all want a letter, penned by yours truly, to cover my reasons for wanting to continue my education. No, I need that paper is not enough. So, I am searching for a way to say what it is I want from this final leg of formal education. I want to be able to share what I expect to gain and need to learn through their program. It needs to feel genuine while at once being persuasive. That of course means having an answer to that question that doesn’t rely on the need to have an MFA.

I don’t know that I have that answer. I have threads of one. I have the somber reality of the writing world and the concept of identity which argues that I, being known as a sci fi guy, will always be known as a sci fi guy but I want more. It isn’t much… it is a start.

I am about to turn 50 and I cannot reconcile that fact in my brain.

I keep thinking it is too soon. I keep thinking about my childhood and all the intervening years as though there are parts of my life that I missed–that someone hit fast forward on until suddenly I am here, 50, and not sure what 50 even is supposed to mean. Then I start thinking about other things. I think about people who’ve been married for 50 years and I realize I will never have that. I mean, its a hard maybe given the advances in technology, but that would certainly require me treating myself better than I have and even still pushing records of age.

I keep thinking I haven’t done the things I said I would. I haven’t written the trilogy of books. They were supposed to be fantasy best sellers but at this point with book two on the way it feels like they will be genre sci-fi …sellers? I haven’t married the girl of my dreams. I’m close. It is going to happen soon. It is not going to happen before I turn 50. I don’t have that dream home. I–we–well, she, has a home. In that I am like my biological father, which I swore never to be like.

There are failures here. There are also moments of being really close to the things I wanted. Through it all there is being a lot older than I really want to be and not understanding what it means to be this old or how to reconcile that with moving forward in life. What happens next? Hell, in five years I will be getting senior discounts. In five years I ought to be retired and taking that next step, whatever it is. I don’t even know what I want it to be, and that is scary. At least I know who I want it to be with, and I am making that part of it happen.

Some Thoughts:

1. I am ready to shift into the school year. Yeah, it is already coming up on week 3. I have to get better at settling in mentally even when I am not home. The way our lives are shaped here, we won’t be home until days before the semester begins. We plan it that way. Yet I don’t shift as fast as I need to.

I started reading Ikigai again after promoting it to my kid. The strategy, if you don’t know it, is the Japanese secret to a long and happy life. I am hoping to obtain both. Happiness is a thing I am struggling with from time to time. I am happy in my life yet struggling at times with my professional nature. I am not getting the work done I need to in the time frame I need to. Work is going really slow, as though the brain engine is in low gear and unable to churn out the good stuff. I get stuck on small word problems in my writing. I don’t have a real sense of how to do that properly. I don’t know how to ramp up. I never used to have to do it–being young meant the gears were in automatic, but not any longer. I am struggling with understanding how I work and what it means to be productive on a daily basis.

The principles of Ikigai can help me–can train me to begin to be that person to have that life I want to have. So, I will begin this stage of my path.

Some Thoughts:

1. My Son’s Tukee Tropics took the field and took quite a few beatings. Personally, he had a couple of interceptions, which is the best he could ask for while going 1-3.
2. Listening to Mr. Ballen as I put in these 10. I am working on training myself to do two things at once again. I don’t entirely need to do this, but this ability is really useful–especially in classroom situations where I need to be ‘on’ and ‘aware’ at the same time.
3. Iowa State Basketball rolled into town and beat up on ASU. That isn’t really what was interesting. What I did find interesting was the high number of ISU fans wandering around campus. A lot of Cyclones out here.

Yesterday my youngest had his first college interview. He’s a 15 year old sophomore and was interviewed by a coach from the University of Utah (Utes). The talk went well, but what followed pointed to deeper issues in his life and future. That evening he played 7s and played very poorly (by his own estimation). There was a particularly bad play that resulted in a lot of trash talk by his more negative teammates. These are the ones he’s been with since he was a 12 year old kid playing 14U–The ones who hated him starting over them then and hate him being out there now as they prepare to move into senior year and he into Junior. That hate–that disregard and disrespect is a common element not only in sports, but in life. Haters gonna hate. You have to be able to rise above that noise and do what you’re meant to do and live your life without letting them bring you down. Unfortunately, he cannot. Not yet.

I have two kids capable of being professional athletes from a physical standpoint. Right now only one has the mental makeup to reach that goal. The youngest isn’t built like that. He has never been in a position where he’s had to earn respect. He’s always been the kid who coaches said was ‘the guy’. Part of that is absolutely on me. He is more confident when I am on the sideline. He’s been that way since he was little. I say go get me a touchdown or a pick and it happens. That father son stuff is detrimental to him now, because without me he doesn’t have the confidence–which is to say plainly: he doesn’t believe in himself.

He lets the other voices in and he lets the other voices win the minute he does something wrong. It is a downward spiral from there. Still, he’s a 15 year old kid playing varsity football with 18-19 year old men. He has time to grow into something amazing. He just needs to find a way to fortify his mind. I mean to help with that, but the work–the very hard personal growth–has to come from within. Without it, he won’t even make it to college and as of now, he doesn’t even have a plan B.

I have no idea how to structure a day.

The clock reads 12:34 and I’ve done almost nothing useful. I did, in fact, begin to change my shower curtain as I was engaged in a lengthy conversation with my brother about life, weather conditions, and upcoming nuptials. I did not write. I did not grade. I barely sorted through my emails. Yet my work day is basically over. Out in the kitchen the Lady Talis is preparing lunchtime salads. We will sit and eat and play games. By the time it is all over the clock will probably read three or later. Then what? I need to get some form of exercise, which at that hour likely means a walk. That’s done by four or later. Then we are deciding how we want to spend our evening.

I don’t like disrupting what life we’ve carved out for ourselves here on these days where we are not in the office. I don’t like that on these days if I slip up just a little and don’t get on the computer to write early, I don’t write at all. That means that for this project that is due in 8 days and has roughly a thousand words I need to write a day including today in order to successfully finish, I need to discover a way to produce meaningful time for each remaining day. I have never learned how to be consistent like that. If I did–when I do–I will be prolific. After all, 1000 a day translates into 365,000 words a year. That’s a solid 3 novels for me. In order to make a living off this I probably need 4.

Some Thoughts:

1. I will find a way to get in my 1K today. I will find a way to hit that number every day moving forward. I really want this. I have the ability and the need to get this done. The need was lacking up until now, but I am trying to transition out of full time teaching and this is all I do otherwise. Nobody is paying me to be a washed up FB coach. Nobody is signing up for me to be their 7 on & franchise lead. This is the job. I have the stories. This is the way.
2. By the way, I am struggling to find new stuff to read via audible. I settled on an hour long Joe Hill short for the moment, but that is only going to get me through a day or two.
3. Organization is the underlying theme through this post. I need to get organized and get my priorities in order. Obviously, the love life comes first. The writing has to be next on the list.
4. Part of that has been the large reduction in gaming time. I just don’t anymore. It feels like a realization that there is not any time in my life for falling into game narrative. I gotta use that time to clean my bathroom or grade papers or any number of tasks I don’t want to do.

I started playing this phone game called Retro Bowl. Its one of the games that can be played without the internet so it was a fun-filled experience to kill time on the myriad of flights I endured over the past few weeks. Anyhow, the game was fun. What caught me by surprise was the impact of coaches. You can hire coaches for your staff like with most FB games these days, but the star rating of the coaches really impacts the star rating of your O/D and impacts the performance of the players wildly. I am thinking about this as I am watching my son’s DB coach walk away towards ACU. They are getting a real one. Meanwhile, my kid’s reason for going to UNC just evaporated. That means yet another season with an entirely new staff which is further modified by it not being the staff we intended. He hasn’t had the same coaching staff for more than a season since he was twelve and started playing high school football. Yeah, the 12 thing catches me off guard sometimes too.

Meanwhile, back at the farm 7s season is springing to life and the hype train has already rolled into the station. My youngest is struggling with the concept of not playing for one of these marquee teams. He plays for two teams presently–one of them is faux marquee. He plays for a squad called the Tukee Tropics, which is the school team. He also suits up for TrueBuzz Athletics, which is apparently a pathway to receive underclassman offers. However, he knows as I do that underclassman offers are meaningless. You cannot sign those. It is what happens Jr year on visits that sets you up to sign a contract Senior season. It is only that signing of paperwork (which is going to replace the traditional offer moving forward) that makes an offer worthwhile. Offers, as we’ve learned through practice, are fleeting and temporary things driven by team need and player rankings at the time. Underclassman offers are great for your own hype and do get some other teams to notice you, but they mean little. Still, it doesn’t lessen the sting of seeing many of his youth teammates get offers while he hasn’t even had the chance to speak to a coach. He will have a chance to attend camps this spring and summer. Maybe that will help him as he transitions from sophomore starter to Jr. He needs to find the confidence in himself, IMHO. Camps will only make you feel small otherwise.

Usually Tuesday is a time to look back, but I am not feeling it tonight. I didn’t really know what to look back towards. So, I thought I would wander through…

Some Thoughts:

1. Jelles Marble league keeps coming up with fun ways to race marbles and make the competition fun and exciting. Now they’ve just dropped Marble League All Stars–16 teams who’ve been champs or are carrying heavy hype in some way. The Raspberry Racers, who won it all in 19′ are featured as the #3 seed. Episode one (Bobsled) dropped. World, I give you Marbles.
2. Sports are really spiraling now. I need to do a ten minute feature on the recruiting stuff. For now I will just say that it makes more sense for a talented player to collect millions in 4 years of college then it does to try to have a ten year career and continue over that time frame to risk injury.
3. School is going a lot better than expected given the level of preparation. I didn’t get myself right this semester, but as I am preparing over this and last week, I have managed to come up with some solid elements for the class. I need to take another week to get it all locked into place.
4. Getting things locked in and getting a rhythm going has been difficult. It also has failed to be a priority in my daily existence. There are two schedules–each reflective of whether or not I have the kid with me. It changes when he is here, because of the transit times. I need to be mindful of how to use and manage that time as well as how to account for the ‘extra’ hours when I am not focused on getting him where he needs to be and getting him right.
5. Trump is in Charge. He’s already dipping his toe into assholery.

Well, it is here. Finally.

Let me start by saying I am not a Trump supporter. Given the way things are going, this proclamation will likely draw the attention of internet audits and have me watched and otherwise monitored for the rest of this type of administration. The dividing lines in America have been clearly drawn. MAGA or no. It isn’t even about Republican or Democrat. It is about who remains loyal to the All-father and who is gonna get got. I am no loyalist. I was even able to remain sensible about the Obama Administration which this Administration seeks to be in terms of popularity. However, this Administration is through a lens darkly and clouded by lies. So this is how it is now. On Day 1 we lost Mt. Denali and the Gulf Of Mexico. I am waiting to see how much of the Project 2025 resolutions are dropped in by end of day.

Four years is a long time. It is, in fact, most of the remainder of my career as an Arizona College Professor. I can do 4 years. I may even need to do 5. I won’t do 8 or 12 or whatever this Admin hopes to push forward. Even if it isn’t Trump at the fore, there are enough people and enough of a movement here to be long lasting and greatly damaging to the American reputation moving forward. So, I have these next years to decide what to do and prepare to do it. Leaving is an option. Where to go is a question. I will get retirement, but I will still need to work. So, I need to develop a plan to get the MFA needed in order to continue to do so at another (likely international) locale.

Some Thoughts:

1. Lots to say about football this Wednesday. Prepare for a mighty Waiver.
2. That is enough of the words for now…

I am about to turn 50. It sucks. It really really sucks. I know for some that may sound strange, but the way I see it, I have less usable years ahead of me than I have behind me. In other term, the clock is running out on my life. Sure, I am in a better position than I was when I was, say, 10 and life was consumed by school, sports, and the inability to go anywhere freely because of the lack of personal freedom caused by responsibilities and being a child. However, I still have work, kids, and soon enough, parents to take care of. To add, I don’t have the physical health I did when I was ten and wild and wishing to be free. Facts being what they are, I won’t be tip top when I am 70 or 80 without some incredible advances in agie-mitigating tech and some personal responsibility to fix my body.

When I was a rehab counselor I implored my clients to accept the things they could not change and have the courage to change the things they could. So, let us start with what I can change. Well, I can be healthier. I can eat less junk and fuel my body properly. I can exercise with some regularity. It occurred to me the other day just how much I blame my space for the inability to work out. It is not the fault of the space but merely an excuse that I allow the space to be that barrier. I can get right anywhere if I put my heart and mind to it. That is where my head has been lately–trying to get back to a mental state of self belief and self-empowerment. I am stronger than I have shown myself to be in all aspects.

I am sick and tired of giving in to terrible people and the forces of the world that seek only to oppress and overlook. I have things to say and do, and it is time I recognized that I am running out of time to do them. It is no wonder that the people who I’ve admired the most in their old age seem fearless. They figured out they had to be in order to get what they wanted in the time they had left to do so. There are no makeups or do overs. You get what you want if you go take it. I’m ready to be that taker.