In many ways parenting is a lifestyle choice. There are many forms of that lifestyle that you can adopt, but in the odd ubiquity of suburban sprawl, your kids’ life is what you do. Finding time for your partner is a secondary affair generally relegated to evenings and the occasional date night, as though such things needed to be scheduled like so many work vacations. I fell victim to this long before I was divorced. Everything since then has been a deepening of that lifestyle–a quicksand that, from time to time, I realize is sucking me in deeper.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with living your life for your children. This is a choice many people make. However, it ought to be a conscious decision and not something that arrives by circumstance. I did not directly choose this lifestyle, which is why I find myself repeatedly tearing away from the tethers of traditional fatherhood (if only in my mind). It happens quite suddenly and often as the result of the activities your kids take part in. The more activities, the less of a life you have. In my life I have my kids for four days a week and each day is crammed with practices or games demanding attention and transport. Twice a week I am out of bed at 4:30 AM to get my kids to where they need to be before the sun comes up. This used to feel like a moment in time, but I realize that it is–and has been–my lifestyle for many long years.
The truth path to happiness for me is balance. While I want to offer my kids every opportunity, I refuse to continue to do so without addressing my own needs as well. I am moving towards a balanced state where we all get to have opportunities and we all get to experience what life (and conversely love) can offer.