Day: September 21, 2019

Perhaps all of the old literature and platitudes are correct. Perhaps you do b begin to appreciate life more once you recognize that it is not everlasting. Yesterday I was (self)diagnosed with hypertension. I clocked in at 150/114, which is at the top of stage 1 hypertension and dangerous to my body overall. I have not seen a doctor in well over a decade. I stopped going when she stopped practicing in order to have a baby. I don’t live in an environment where adults are regularly encouraged to seek medical help. However, at word of this my partner demanded I get seen. I will–I’ve put in for the appointment. In the meanwhile I am facing the reality that reality could end a great deal sooner than expected.

The mind is a powerful tool. That tool can be used to negative purpose as I have discovered since yesterday, making the problem worse by focusing so much on it. I spent the bulk of the day going through the stages of ‘medical grief.’ I started with denial. While at the dentist I was told my blood pressure was too high for a specific type of anesthetic. I freaked. After the procedure I went to two different stores to take their free blood pressure tests. Some were worse than others, but the number above is the number I am going with. I denied until I could no longer deny. Numbers don’t lie. That led to a self reflective period during which I charted my habits post college and decided that all of this was indeed my fault. I have not taken good care of myself or my life since…. ever I suppose. I quickly accepted the responsibility and moved towards the bargaining phase. I wasn’t bargaining with God, but with my own body. I told myself I would be better. I promised myself cheat days, and by doing so silently acquiesced to needing a new lifestyle. Less stress. Less alcohol. More sleep. More exercise.

I fell into a state of depression and disappointment. I felt bad about the changes I needed to make and the choices I’d made and the situation I’d gotten myself into. I felt like I let everyone in my life down–most of all a partner whose life was turned upside down and inside out as a result of knowing me and, eventually, loving me. I felt sorry for her and guilty and depressed for myself. I got angry again–a microcosm of the stages balled into a 20 minute shower where I let the scalding water roll down my back, stripping away everything that led to that moment.

Then I remembered that I wasn’t dead. Not yet. I am not through the stages. I have no plan. I do have that moment of light between the clouds. I do have something to heal for. I have someone to live for. I have things left to do.

I am all for deep and literary sci-fi. There have been many examples of such sprinkled throughout the canon. This latest offering from Brad Pitt falls far short of the mark. It takes what could be an engaging tour of a near future and digests it into a paint by numbers sci-fi journey that felt longer than it was and somehow shorter at the same time.

Ad Astra is Latin phrase that translates best as ‘to the stars’ actually the entire phrase goes something like per aspera ad astra or through hardship to the stars. I have always taken it to be a philosophical statement about grit, but the literal translation takes lead here. The use of Latin should’ve been a warning. This was going to be heavy. As my partner put it, “As long as it is not like Gravity…” No, heavier.

I thought this was based on a literary novel. Well, sort of. The director, James Gray, noted in Collider that he wanted to make a movie similar to Conrad’s Heart of Darkness. He didn’t. I am being harsh because I am feeling cheated. There was so much promise in this film. From a beautiful opening scene that does little more than be beautiful and show us the bad energy out there killing the world to wasted opportunities on planets and the moon, I was met with disappointment after disappointment. The situation on the moon alone promised a lot more than it delivered. Mars, a colony ripe for interpretation and engagement devolved into what looked like two shots: One of a train station from various angles and one of a sound studio. There was filler in between, but it felt like the in between was all filler. The journey was not nearly as important as the destination, and for me that is the opposite of what a film should be.

We learn about our characters on the journey. We learned about this character through flashback and narration. In a movie he told instead of showed. The more I consider it, the more it feels like a crime to waste so much talent and set design on what is surely to be widely panned as a failed experiment.

I did like moments. There were beautiful shots. However, the film as a whole is not worth seeing. Catch the clips on youtube.