I’m a deep diver. At times in my life this has been seen as an excuse to tune out the world around me, preferring to focus my attention on what I am writing and sinking into that headspace. However, I don’t see that as an excuse. I see it as a productive state of being. As I write this I am exhausted from a too brief night of sleep. I’m unsettled and trying to settle myself in at the page. However, I have a real bit of concern about doing so, because when I write the time just evaporates. Suddenly it is two hours later and I’m wondering why it feels like it has only been 30 minutes.
This works for a single person or for a person who is in a situation where they don’t need to be thinking about anything else but the words for large stretches of time. My life is less and less like that. So, I am working on coming up with solutions to appease everyone–including myself. This is all about experimentation. Haruki Murakami said, ” I think life is a kind of laboratory where you can try anything.” In that same interview he went on to point out that he starts writing at 4 AM, finishing up around 10 or 11 Am. I’ve been using 8-1 as a firm block of time, but unfortunately, that is the heart of the day when my loved ones are up and about. So, I wind up being torn. More specifically, I wind up feeling guilty and feeling bad about myself because I go off and write and forget about anything else. I sink into my routine and my words and I am happy. But when I emerge there is only unhappiness and dissapointment to greet me.
This is no way to live. This is no way to be healthy.
So, here is my newest strategy. I am going to start writing earlier. I think this way I can be up and moving and functional in the space where people I love are still sleeping or just starting to come around. It is but an experiment. It is worth trying.
Some Thoughts:
- Part of being me is being an apologist for myself. I hate that I have to feel bad about who I am as a person, but here we are. I’d like it to be one way, but its the other way.