Month: May 2023

Started reading Paul Tremblay’s A Head full of Ghosts whose title is based on the Bad Religion song of the same name. Heck, he even quotes the thing. It reminded me of how little I know of the history of so many authors out there in the world who’ve influenced people. Tremblay has that connection to Punk Rock, and it may resonate in aspects of his work. You see that duality in the character(s) of Knock at the Cabin Door, which is an adaptation of his novel The Cabin at the End of the World. I don’t read a lot of his stuff, but I’m about to. I feel like I am learning more and more about being an author–particularly how much it is about putting out own influences out there and those influences not being so dang mainstream.

Good writing comes from pain. I have that to spare. However, the catch is to not just preach or bleed but to drag the reader along with you so that they can feel what you feel by feeling for the characters and putting themselves in those same situations and wondering what they would do. This is about being on a journey–not so much an escape. Often that journey brings us back to where we are but with more power. That is a thing books do so well that movies do not. It takes a lot longer and a lot more investment to get there. You have to want to get there. Moreover, you have to put in the work. It cannot be passive. This is why, I think, many people don’t like to read. It isn’t passive. You have to engage and work and puzzle and feel and interpret. Some movies, the really good ones, can do some of that, but not in the way that books will force upon you.

All of this is to say I have a lot (a lot is my word of the day, obviously) of growing to do and that is meant to take me to a place where I help the readers connect with themselves.

Some Thoughts:

1. There are many complexities to discuss in the ever-evolving world of sports come Wednesday. Stay Tuned!
2. Noticed that there have been a few comments over the years… mostly link-backs to older posts. Odd that. Is there an AI watching?

Another day, another shooting. This one carried out by a White Supremacist named Maurio Garcia. The number of Hispanic men who claim white supremacy is increasing and I find that particularly terrifying. I shouldn’t. I recognize the idea of passing and see it writ large in our social systems. I get Uncle Thomas and all the rest who think they are part of a collective that they truly aren’t. The fact that they are often first in line to wield their power against the ‘other’ as a way to prove themselves is a tool that has been used for decades. It is a powerful way to create violence and force change without actually getting your hands dirty. As insidious as it sounds, it is also entirely commonplace. So why am I surprised? Because I continue to believe that we as a nation will get this under control and find a way to heal ourselves.

I don’t think I’ll be surprised again, because I am starting to understand that we are also actively fighting against healing ourselves and bettering ourselves because there is no profit or power in that. It hurts me to see it, but it is there in front of my eyes.

I go through this thing during any significant transition where I shut down and find excuses not to do my work. When I received an email the other day notifying me of the arrival of a new Pokémon TCG for my phone I knew exactly what would happen next. I’m presently 12-6 with a trash deck filled with the best trash cards I could find on short notice. I’m learning how to play the game again and successfully avoiding being productive. It can’t last because I cannot allow that. Pokémon is too addictive for me to keep up this pace. I’ve struggled with it in the past. Fortunately it sucks up battery power to the extent that I cannot play for long without draining my phone down to nothing. Still, 18 games in, I’m still excited to keep going.

Looking back at it, I should’ve known it was Cinco de Mayo today. I’ve lost all track and context of dates, but I did know about may the fourth and the 10+ movie marathon going on to commemorate the happening. So, instead of reflecting on how I overstuffed myself with Mexican food, I thought I’d take a minute to reflect on the Star Wars phenomenon.

To begin: Star Wars is Fantasy. It isn’t science fiction–even with the retcon of midi-chlorians or whatever proxy they have for magical God energy. Star Wars can be sci-fi. The Clone Wars and specifically the Bad Batch try to speak to that with the social focus on clones and the outcomes of that when they ask the question what do you do when you’re done with the clones? This goes pretty well in the series, but on average it is really just space adventure with the magical stand in of the force.

Still good though. Seriously. I love the series. There is a part of each of the movies I’ve seen that I can hold on to and call worthwhile. Films 7-9, widely panned as the worst, offer moments of pure joy. There was new lore tackled. The force dyad idea was put to the forefront, which was great to see. In the end, I’d like to see many of the movies again, and if I fast forward… so be it.

Ever wonder why at these draft events and what not it is always mothers and girlfriends that are the focus of attention. It is as though the father never existed or remained just out of frame of focus for these individuals. It is as though the contributions these men made, in the case where there was a father, is ignored or deleted. I think there is something to that. I believe that fathers are treated a certain way–especially post divorce whereas the responsibility of a father is made to be purely financial and, quite often, negativized at every possible step. I say this as a father and as a defacto step dad who is absolutely taken for granted and treated without much or, at times, any respect in spite of the contributions (recognized or otherwise). All of this leads me to feel pretty beat up and left to wonder if any of it is worth it. I look at the other side of the equation where I have kids who have a birth dad who maintains contact and inputs into their lives on his own schedule and it is just fine. He’s not loosing sleep over it, and they seem perfectly fine with the arrangement. The question is why do we (do I) do any of this? Why do I care to be a good father in spite of the costs to time, energy, relationships? Am I even a good father and does any of that actually matter to anyone outside of myself?

Bottom line: I am failing to desensitize to being treated like crap and taken advantage of, and I don’t really have a sense of what steps to take to cure the underlying condition.

NFL Draft over. Teams reloaded. Maybe. here is what I find interesting about the draft: No draft is full of sure fire first rounders. The media acts like it is, but it is not. Every team thinks they got a winner. But history proves that to be wrong. Lions took Jameson Williams at 12 ;ast year. He’s currently suspended for gambling after not playing for the majority of the season. Ravens took Kyle Hamilton at 14… And just Signed Rock Ya-Sin today to take that man’s spot. Trent McDuffie (Chiefs @21) was exposed all season. Go back a little further to 2021 and you see that a lot of the players are practically busts. Zach Wilson, drafted #2? Jets leveraged their future to get old Rodgers to come in and win some games. It isn’t a surefire thing. Madden puts an emphasis on round 2 talent and round one top 10, which makes a kind of sense. However, real life isn’t built like a video game. In truth we are talking about schemes and people who, in the face of gaining sudden wealth, have to decide to be the same people they were prior to that wealth–have the same drive if not more. This is a difficult thing to say the least, and you never know who is going to be real.

Some Thoughts:

1. Interesting one that touches home a little. Klutch sports just bought out Elite Management, which is the company that sponsors the 7s team my kid is trying to join and the youth tackle team that has been tops in the state for years. Now LeBron’s people done bought them out. Don’t know what that changes locally. Hopefully nothing.

So here’s a quick review of what this is: Every Tuesday, I reach back in my own version of the internet time machine and roll the clock back to an earlier blog post in order to see how I have grown/changed from that post. It is an occasionally solemn time of personal reflection done publicly. Why? For the same reason as the blog: I don’t think I am very special. I think there may be a lot of people like me going through things, and I know that it means a lot to me to see other people who are going through things come out on the other side. It is why I read and often why I write. So, that is tonight’s what. The when is 3.174: Phone it In. I want to share a quote from that slice of time in my life and growth:

“I believe there ought to be some manner of ritual to writing. I’ve played with many and haven’t gotten it down still, but the importance of one is. If lost on me. “

Yep. Still there. It is fortunate that I fell upon this particular post this evening, because tomorrow is my last day of classes. My teaching, my partner’s schedule, and my kids’ school and sports determine my daily routine. Now that we’ve both ended the teaching phase for a few months, that schedule is going to be built around some other thing. I want it to be writing. I need it to be writing. I need to find that ritualistic way of coming to the page and leaving feeling fulfilled, not feeling like I did a little, so that is okay. Writing matters to me, but I don’t show that. Only in the last few years have I expressed to family and co-workers that I actually publish stuff and then only at my partners behest. I need to lock in on a ritual to remind myself how important the craft is. I need to get back to that and back to the basics of producing good work. It’s a step towards the me I truly expect to be.

Some Thoughts:

1. People are going to be who they are. It doesn’t matter how that rubs up against your ‘way’ and perceptions. If they won’t change for you then you have to accept that and find a way to live with that. Having many and varied children taught me that.
2. Excited for the Madden beta this June.
3. Less excited for what amounts to a 12 hr flight with three kids who are first timers to this sort of thing.
4. Yet, excited to tear through the new Titans series, because that is going to happen.

I’ve come to a decision: I don’t want to be that parent who spends his days talking about how great his kids are. As I was waiting for practice to end I listened to that dad going on about his sophomore and his 12 year old, and to be honest, it was sad. I get it, we are watching practice and that is what you talk about. Still, the gushing… I worry I’ve been like that–especially about the youngest two. I cannot be. I gotta make a conscious effort to stop, because that stuff is off putting. My kids are doing well. They’re excelling in the areas they make the effort to excel in. This is all that needs to be said. Their success doesn’t have to be my success. My success ought to be my success. Of course, I am quite terrible about talking about that as well.

Some Thoughts:

1. Two classes end tomorrow. Sad but cool to see them finish up. I have a lot of grading left for these, and putting that atop the paperwork means I have a lot of work to do these next few days before I am free.
2. Kid drove all the way home tonight. We didn’t crash even once! It felt good to see that happen. He is able to take the driving test starting tomorrow. Not entirely ready, but a work in progress. Already asking for the car though…

A week from today we celebrate the birth of our final kid. He’ll be moving into high school soon, and that starts the countdown for me. I’m only here for the kids. The job–the retirement–is a selling point, but I am not opposed to picking up and leaving. Heck, based on the way the system works, my ex gets a significant portion of my retirement, so I’m getting screwed any way you look at it. The only reason to stay beyond the kid is to have a retirement and to be able to move into a phase where I am working from home exclusively as a writer and have the supplemental income to support that endeavor. Yet, every day is further proof that we don’t want to be here. We don’t want to be involved with the ex in any way, shape or form. It is a disappointment for what was once a decent relationship to have become as contentious and useless as it is, but it is what it is… and the countdown has begun.

Some Thoughts:

1. I want to write a Star Wars novel. Don’t even care the era. I just know I have stories to tell…
2. Not gonna talk football tonight, but I am gonna tell you that I’m not gonna…
3. Tokyocheapo.com is my site of the week.
4. Patience has always been a part of who I am. I’m loosing that part of myself gradually.
5. Don’t have many video games to play. Bored with what I got and the cycle of new is at a low. Hogwarts didn’t hit. Madden is… Madden. Apex is good for a momentary distraction, but I already finished the battle pass… what am I still there for? Off of Minecraft for a spell. Considered the new Jedi game but I never finished the last one. Maybe I just spend less time on games for a while. I am enjoying some Oculus time, but I can only play for so long…