Started the week by finishing a story and opening a wound. I’ve been working on a new short for a grad class that I hope to one day publish. It isn’t there yet. It reminds me of how out of touch I am with particular age demographics. I need to get a lot better about understanding various age groups if I want to continue to be successful as a writer. I cannot simply write about withering 40-60 year olds and age up my characters as I myself continue aging up. I gotta be able to cross spectrum to tell good story.
I don’t identify with young people. I don’t understand them nearly as much as I thought I did. I don’t understand my own kid. I’m speaking of the youngest, who asked me for money today. He wants cash for a football camp. Of course, Dad instinct wants to get him right, but I also feel really sad and hurt that the only time I manifest in his mind is when he needs money. Everything else is me reaching out to him and him possibly responding within a few days. It sucks and it hurts, especially since I was not invited on a single college visit that I didn’t pay for. That doesn’t feel like respect or love. I am supposed to provide and I generally do, but this one hurts. It feels like an opportunity to teach a lesson. The problem is, I don’t think it will teach the proper lesson. I think it says, “dad won’t come through because dad doesn’t care.” I hate that this is the script he’s being read on the other side of the parenting fence, but there it is.
Unfortunately I am trapped in a situation where giving without receiving is the known currency of love. I don’t want to be trapped in that. I know how painful it will be to break that hardened cycle. We are running out of moments, the kid and I. There’s a few more HS dances, there’s a few more big game moments (will the Lady Talis and I be invited to walk with him for Senior Night?). I don’t know what I will be a part of and what will be denied me. Then its college time–where he really has to learn how to be an individual fast.
I hope we have enough of a relationship left that I can help him through that extremely tough time.
Some Thoughts:
- Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Australian officials ask fans to respect the privacy of Neil, a 1-ton seal who respects nothing” This after a saw a Sea Otter run up on to the beach today and up into the city. Animals be wierding.