Years ago I wrote a brief and sadness-driven post titles Death, Illness, and Taxes. It went like this:
I can tell you that my blogs are up and down right now, following the metronome of my responsibilities. I ‘m thinking tonight will be down. The more on my mind, the less I am able to produce creatively in a mere 10 minutes. The cause of my distraction as of late is the end of life. Not mine, mind you, but so many around me are falling ill and threatening to die. The ages are inconsistent, as are the causes of sick. Still the lips of death touch so many I know.
Open-heart surgeries for children, grievous wounds to young women, car accidents, minor surgeries, strokes… These are meant to come in threes, but the flow is much more severe these days.
That was ten minutes of near-grieving level sadness from your friendly neighborhood Talislegger. I’m bringing it up now because a co-worker recently died at the age of 45, reminding me of how short and fleeting life can actually be and how unprepared I am for it to be over.
I get mad about things. I get angry when students question their grades, looking for an upward tick after I’ve clearly gone easy on them, curving their work far beyond their skill ought to allow. It reminds me that being nice never works out for the nice guy. It ought to remind me not to put so much energy into such things, because ultimately it doesn’t matter to my own life. Furthermore, allowing it not to matter is better for my well being. And my well being does matter. I’ve begrudgingly accepted the idea that I too must die. It sucks and I hate even consider the end, but as I age and fall quickly into disrepair, the inevitability of the end grows clearer. So, what matters is what I do with the time I have left. It matters how I use my mind and how I use my body. What I do with myself and what I do for my loved ones is important. Getting the Lady Talis back to Italy is probably the most important thing in my life right now. Making a slamming video for the Mid-Kid’s graduation is a more immediate mater (I have a week!!!!) but it isn’t nearly as important to me as making this trip successful.
But I am comparing things that don’t require comparison. All of this is to say that there are things in life that ought to matter and things that shouldn’t matter, and things that should be used as fuel. I want to use more of what I see and feel as fuel to power incredible writing. I want to let it pass through me. I know I am not a perfect vessel and some will touch me on the way through, as it should. I accept that. I do not accept holding it all in and letting it define my life and age me so much faster than needed. I’m going to be better than that.