I never realized how much I craved silence until I could not find it.
There are different types of quiet, the most common being when you can listen to the sounds of the world and the sounds of the house uninterrupted by blaring youtube videos and the sounds of video games or the distant screams of a kid when something in game or on screen goes in an unexpected direction. I live in a world where I either need to leave the space, not work, or schedule my work around the time where the noise is greatest. I do this–I tiptoe angrily around the situation–because it is my nature to avoid the confrontation and maintain the peace. Yes, this is bad parenting, but it is also a practical impossibility to parent as the stepfather of grown children. What I can do is find an uneasy peace, and I have created that (I think). However, I am a victim of my own creation. I am the guy who needs to leave to seek peace or balance or to find a way to break through on a project because the distractions are so plentiful or I am so locked in on the flavor of that distraction and what it ultimately means in regards to my life and my hard work that it feels impossible to break free and do what I need to do.
Maybe what I need to do is be the asshole.
Maybe what I need to do is surreptitiously control the situation in a way that avoids the lingering days of stress and general disgruntledness of everyone that is the unfortunate result of direct confrontation where the natural reaction is one of protection and self-preservation and often, to minimize my concerns out of a sense of loyalty and balance on one hand and to dismiss them outright and openly on another. I’m not here for it. Not anymore.