I am twitching as I right this, the result of years old neck trauma that continued to degrade the area making it harder and harder for the nerves to properly service parts of my body–harder still when the weight of stress tightens the muscles in my neck and shoulders. Even now I can feel the hand growing numb as I type. It isn’t a new feeling. I’ve had limited sensitivity in my left shoulder going on five years. The right is a fresher injury but stems from the same damaged cluster. The numbness is better than pain, I suspect. When I lose feeling entirely I just try to shake it off and let time reopen the connections so I can continue my work, or my game, or fighting my way back to sleep. That last one is becoming harder. I don’t know that I get a solid four each night anymore. That too adds to the stress. That too makes everything else more difficult.
When I was a counselor, I preached the steps of the AA plan. I thought they worked for all facets of life–accept the things you cannot change. Have the courage to change what you can. Nobody explained the difference between what you could and could not change. Nobody ever drew a line for me that marked where I could do more and where the work and effort would ultimately be meaningless. I wish they had. I wish I knew a lot sooner what things I could and should change and what things were simply useless to try. I’ve been fighting battles here that aren’t battles to anyone else but me, because to everyone else they are just natural and nature. I am learning that you cannot change a person’s nature, nor can you ever sit in their darkness. It doesn’t look the same to you.
So, I’m giving up.
I have the ability to control very little in my life. Yet that little I can control will be getting all of the attention that I have been dedicating to what I cannot control. That energy–that trying to occupy a space that doesn’t belong to me even if it does. That constant back of the mind fight over trying to get a moment of silence, a modicum of respect is over. I’m just going to do me–no matter how ridiculous that is. There are no lessons to be taught for anyone else. That is not my role in this environment. I’m just going to do me how and when I want and not be bothered by the rest of it.