I could’ve been playing Pokemon.
I was, in fact–re-centering my mind on a digital realm in which I’ve achieved a lower middle class status and from match to match fighting to keep myself from slipping further down the status ladder to a bottom that is netted to prevent me from falling any further. In the virtual world I have these protections. I have the assurance that my bootstrap skills will get me to a level at which I can assure myself that I am better off than at least some fraction of the virtual populace. This has its own appeal. Winning games has an embedded appeal wherein I can catch a brief pulse of endorphins that assure me of my value and self-worth. Games are supposed to do that for us, I think. The nature of zero-sum gaming is to argue that we, as the player, are better than those we play. It is the knife’s edge of value that, in its brevity, makes us feel good or at least temporarily fortunate. I need that moment of good feeling. It is my life preserver in a time and place where everything around me feels like the roiling seas of shame and failure. My very identity is put to the test daily as I watch all that I separate myself from–fierce right wing ideology, power-hungry dictatorial forces, corporate greed, mainstream dullardness–gain in strength, recognition, and publicity. Being in the world today makes me not want to be in the world today. It makes me want to stay home and hide in a video game, but my soul refuses to allow that–refuses to actually enjoy that. The Lady Talis calls it growing up but it feels more insidious than that–it feels like my conscience is forcing me to deal with the world around me and actually figure out a way to do something about it.
I do have voice. I write. Heck, I even publish beyond this blog that 1 person reads. I ought to be using that voice and reach to say something about what is going on and teaching others not to hide like I want to. This world of ours is going through a dark spell. It isn’t new. In truth, it is a rather normal cyclical event. Every global pandemic predated a World War by 3-20 years. We are in the window now. However, what is cyclical doesn’t need to be a permanent cycle. We can change our fate. We just need to understand it and understand what we are building towards.