Ten years from now I am going to look back on the kid’s senior year and think about what I could’ve done better to stop what is already going downhill. I’m not talking athletically. He’s straight there. No, its the relationship I am worried about. He is tumbling headlong into a narrative where his father and that entire side of the family is merely an afterthought. It’s a thing he is being manipulated into in part and a thing that he is doing because it is easy and because everyone I mentioned above is not a priority in his life.
Ten years from now I hope he is in a place where he can look back at this blog and see what happened and understand why things are the way they are–however that looks at the time. I lost control. I let his mom have too much space and too much influence. There are many reasons why that went the way it did, but none of it is really germane to where we go from here.
I don’t actually know what that next part looks like. I hope it is more shaped like an adult relationship where there is more priority give to it or at least equal priority on both sides. I don’t know or have many adult relationships like that. I guess all I am doing is what I’ve done and what I’ve seen and what I know. I am a better parent than my birth father, but worse than my real father–that much I recognize. I don’t imagine a scenario where I wouldn’t want to spend more time with him.
Maybe that is just the way people are nowadays. At least towards their fathers.
Some Thoughts:
- I hate the doom and gloom stuff, but since I’ve been home, that has been the theme. How could it not be? Its all I see and deal with on a daily basis.
- I miss the light.