I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the choices I made in life. Regret is a complicated thing. I don’t regret most of my choices; none of the big ones. Little moments are always regrettable in the rear view. I could’ve said this or that in the moment. I could’ve taught this person this or been more emphatic about this or more empathetic about that. All of these choices small and big add up to form the conditions of your life where it is at the moment you’re present and conscious in yuor thinking. We all are the sum of our previous moments. Understanding that and understanding how little or big the power that has over our future moments is an important thing to consider.
I think a lot about my kids. I created the conditions in their lives in which they have the drive and desire to be elsewhere for most of their days. They have their own lives that exist in other states or other areas of the city for the most part. Yet I am alone in feeling bereft as a result. It is the only part of my life I feel alone in. It is the only part of my life in which nobody else appears to understand the gravity of those choices I made and how the contrast of such things in my every day life is an open wound.
I see my youngest twice a week. This is a far cry from the everyday experience of him living at home. He comes as a familiar visitor because he is not a part of the normal rhythms of the space. Everything here is a departure from his daily life. I am a departure from his daily life. That feeling underscores my point. This is a result of choices I made or allowed. I don’t regret any of it. That doesn’t change the fact that the conditions leading up to it created a relationship that isn’t a daily practice; isn’t really constructed around mutual care and admiration. If I regret any major thing in life it is the series of choices that led to my boys not caring about who I am as a person. Will they show up for me? Probably. That’s an aspect of love I did teach them. Do they care if I live or die? Yes, of course. Does my daily existence and how that goes for me actually matter to them? Not in any real way. In truth, the only person in my life that cares about me on a daily personal level is the Lady Talis. Before that, nobody did.
Life is full of hits and misses. I’ve made a lot of both in my time.
Some Thoughts:
- No thoughts…