The Lady Talis is on vacation. I’ve been on mental vacation for the better part of a week. I’m still here, working, but I’m checked out. I can feel it in my actions and my overall vibe. I just don’t have any real motivation to do things. Perhaps this is an evolution of the depression I realized I was (must be) dealing with. Only, I cannot find a real reason to be depressed. Life is fine. Life is probably pretty good by most standards. It is only my momentary bleakness that is getting in the way of realizing how good it truly is right now. Part of it is being broke. Part of it is the see saw that is my daughters emotional life and how that impacts my own ability to move forward and create a space for myself where I can feel like I can dig in. I didn’t even need that space. However, when offered it felt like a really cool thing I had a chance to be doing. Now it feels like I am just waiting.
I am always waiting. I am waiting for the weekend. I am waiting for the next slate of games. I am waiting for the semester to end. I am waiting for the summer. I am on the wrong side of 50, and that means I need to spend less time waiting and more time feeling happy and grounded in where my feet are at the moment. I don’t have a day to day that allows for that. Moreover, I spend a good deal of time watching one of my boys squander (by my standards) the best years of his young life and in the process trample on any sense of peace and ease that I have left outside of these spaces meant to be devoted to work.
So, maybe I am depressed. Maybe I’m struggling with this life I came back to and the realization that I am not being a writer. I am not being a gamer. I am not being much of anything beyond a stuck in the mud cog trying to turn against the pressure of reality and make it through another meaningless week. It shouldn’t feel like that because it isn’t that bleak, but the truth is lost in my feelings. I feel what I feel and what I feel is like Wednesday evening cannot come fast enough.
Some Thoughts:
- Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Trump’s comment about Iran nuking Los Angeles and San Diego was incoherent, not malicious” Yeah… if we have to debate it and break it down like this, we are living in a dystopian nightmare powered by lunacy. This quote sumes it up: “It was so confusing that not only did that GOP congressional candidate seem to interpret it in the worst way; so did many in the crowd. Indeed, the ugliest part of this whole episode is that people actually cheered when Trump floated the destruction of Los Angeles and San Diego. That would seem to say something about the movement Trump has cultivated.”
- Honorable mention: “Deion Sanders’ Colorado playbook was found at the team hotel. Texas Tech didn’t even need it” Look, I love this guy. I think he really does a good job under tough circumstances. That being said, his name draws a lot of clicks, the media wants his blood, and a lot of players–my kids included–do not want to go there and face that fire. I suppose more would if the budget was legit. It isn’t. More on this tomorrow.