Many people have asked why I chose to go public with this. There are two reasons. One is about my soul. I’m a writer. I write about the experiences in my life and what I see around me in order to share those experiences with anyone who will listen, so they know that these things happen, we aren’t alone in our struggles, and that people react to things in different ways. Science tells us that stories are how people see the world. Even though this is a deeply personal story and one with moving parts, I felt that it was important to be open and honest about it for my own self reflection.
The second reason I put it out there is to maintain an honest narrative about what really went on. One day when the kids read this I hope they can understand that all of this came out of love. It was not, as suggested, ‘Daddy ran out of love for mommy’. I don’t believe divorce is about fault. If it is about fault then I take full responsibility. I enabled behaviors and conditions that ultimately lead to my own dissatisfaction. I’ve spent a great deal of time accepting the role of the bad guy–the Decepticon, the Sith, the one who pulled the trigger. Still, it is important to note that I aimed with my heart and truly sought to create conditions that were best for everyone.
It is nearly impossible to remember that you are doing something out of love when your seven year old is clutching you and bawling, ‘Now I won’t get a hug and kiss every night.’ There is that moment then when you consider sacrificing everything to keep them safe and maintain the conditions of life they’ve grown accustomed to. Afterwards is the realization that the conditions they’ve grown accustomed to aren’t necessarily healthy.
I have been deeply and, to the boys, obviously unhappy for some time. A great deal of that has to do with the conditions of my life. So, I needed to ask myself if I wanted to maintain those conditions for the sake of the kids’ stability, or if I wanted to change my conditions and show my three boys what it looks like for a man to lead a happy and fruitful life.
This wasn’t totally for them. I felt I could be happier and in a better mental space if I wasn’t in the space I created. Of course, the obvious question is: why not stay and grow and change together. Well, people don’t really change. All I can do and all she can do is become the best possible versions of ourselves. We still wind up being ourselves, and there is a basic incompatibility there that I spent ten years fully believing I could change/fix and three years recognizing I could not.
I’m sure I’ll blog about this again when my headspace allows for it. I’m sure I’ll blog about the road out of divorce and what it is like to be a single dad and a plethora of other related topics. For now I hope these words provide some clarity and some small measure of understanding.