The Buddha warned about the idea of permanence—this thought that what we have and what we hold on to is meant to be forever. I completely struggle with this idea. I want to live forever. I want my love to last forever. I want our partnership—relationship to be the most it can be forever. This is dangerous thinking, because nothing lasts forever. Anything that stays the same forever becomes stagnant.
Happiness is loving the time you do have together and sharing moments that belong to you and who you love—regardless of what happens outside of those moments. If I had the choice I would live in a sustained state of happiness for as long as possible. I would string these moments together until they constituted a life that brought joy to myself and my partner. In lieu of that I have the moments, and that has to be enough.
I’d love to think of this as a period of hope—where I know that I’ll wake up one day and there will be a life waiting for me. It isn’t that. This is actually a period of transition where I settle into the new reality and through that recognize the tools I’ll need to survive. That’s the thing about moments. The spaces between them run like chasms through my soul.
Some Thoughts:
- I was wrong about yesterday. It wasn’t the end.