When I was young I had all the juice in the world. I could stay up for days. I could write a million words and have a heart full of a million more. I truly felt capable of anything and had the energy to do anything in the world. Age and circumstance sucked my drier than a capri sun after a kids soccer match. Some days I’m completely wiped by 8 pm. Sitting in the near dark of an empty home I hardly have the energy to walk up the stairs to take to bed.
or the desire.
What I believe this boils down to is a very large lack of internal energy or drive. I’m not motivated. I’m not exactly depressed either. Not entirely. I have largely been lacking the desire to move about and, without a constant influx of caffeine, I wonder if I would on my own.
There is a school of thought that everything exists in reach of our minds. We control what we believe and feel and can do. It best manifests itself through affirmations and visualizations. I imagine there is a gigantic on/off switch somewhere inside me that guides my drive coils. It lives in the off position and what I find myself working with is the stored up energy of years of having appreciably way too much and, of course, caffeine.
So, I use the motivational words of speakers and the coffee of life to power through my day to day in the slim hopes I’m going to find a way to flip that switch and once again be free.