I’m into the research for my latest project and simultaneously into the research for upgrading my classes. These are dramatically different fields of research, but in all of it a pattern is emerging. I am remembering how to be studious and how to be a writer. See, I took a break from the routine of writing as I do after every project. This is known as my continuing mistake. The spin down and eventually spin up require more mental energy than it does to stay on the path. Now I am spinning up, which makes me feel good and helps me to shift my priorities to where they ought to be. It helps me be thoughtful about a great number of issues and concerns in my life, and I feel quite excellent about where my head is at when I am writing.
But it is indeed like those first moments in the pool.
This time I really want to stay on task and that means having the next thing ready and keeping a low grade writing process running in the background of my brain. Writing is my life in so many ways, so to neglect it as I have been doing is a form of suicide. With classes starting up and a conference upcoming, I have a great opportunity to spin up quickly and keep the motor running.
Some Thoughts:
- I’m not entirely sure I stayed honest to the ten minutes last night. It felt short, and I may have started at :53 vs. 51. I made sure to start at :53 today and do this part first, so I’d be sure. After a while gauging ten minutes becomes organic, but there are times where you slip in and out of the narrative and 10 can seem like no time at all or quite a large slice of forever.
- Struggling with competitiveness and self worth. I’m at war with myself in many ways. I continue to be on this enormous losing streak in all forms of games and competition and it is growing annoying. Part of it is not wanting to compete but see others enjoy the game itself. Did I go Mike Tyson and lose that killer instinct? It is hard, because that sort of thing seems to have never mattered to my partner but has been the end all for me for my entire life. I’m trying to find a psychological and emotional middle ground, but this too seems difficult. Perhaps the key is knowing when (and how) to turn it on and off. It seems to go off by itself far too often.