I am writing this blog –from bed–as a morning confessional of sorts. To begin it is nearly 9:30 and I am in bed. This is abnormal behavior for me, but I didn’t actually fall asleep until sometime after 3:30 AM. That suggests that, despite the late wake up, I still have not had a complete night’s sleep. This is troubling for a number of reasons. Primarily it appears to factor into what can only be described as my continuing battle with depression.
I’ve struggled with understanding depression as much as I have struggled with admitting it. I realize that there are several factors at play in that struggle and that all are specifically my doing. In this I have practiced several self-destructive behaviors including (but not limited to) poor eating habits, poor sleeping habits, outbursts, rampant laziness, occasional lapses in proper hygiene, and destructive relationship habits. At times it feels like I am punishing myself. At other times it feels like this level of ineptitude is the most I am capable of achieving. Presently, I feel like a failure every day. Even the thought of getting up and doing a single push up seems like too much. On the one hand the act seems frivolous and pointless. On the other hand it feels like I do not deserve to be physically fit because of all the pain I have caused others and because of the failures in my own life.
I have always felt responsible for everything around me. When things go wrong I feel like it is me who dropped the ball. Often I am right (if only in my own mind but sometimes it is not in my mind. sometimes –most times–it really is me). I am aware that I’ve birthed an awful level of anxiety in my partner that doesn’t show any signs of slowing. Quite the opposite in fact. How could one not sense a growing anxiousness when associated with me in my present state?
The thing is this: I realize that all of this can be changed/fixed easily. I recognize that all it takes is me changing. All it takes is doing one small thing, then the next, then the next. However, that is the power of depression. I am dogged at each step by the utter weight of realizing how many steps there are to take and how enormous the failure will be at each step. It is for that reason that not one step is even taken. A body at rest tends to stay a mess. A body in motion seems a distant shore.