I spent a good 15 minutes this morning watching prepackaged nike videos like this one, and this one, and of course, this one. I understand that this is the result of marketing and shaving off aspects of the truth in order to create an emotionally stirring narrative. I’m a writer, so I do this stuff in story. Still, that does nothing to discount to incredible journey these men have accomplished.
For a long time now I have lived two lives. In one life the idea of sports is a casual thing that is purely about having fun and a distraction from other things in life that everyone else finds more important and meaningful and lasting. In the other life sports is life. Sports is a stepping stone; the training ground by which my kids work towards their dreams. Two of my kids have the expectation of being professional athletes. One has the work ethic and the talent. The other has the talent but lacks the work ethic. Either or neither of them could achieve that dream. They could abandon that goal at any moment. In the meanwhile I am doing as much as I can to create the conditions for them to be successful at the level they dream.
This is causing incredible tension in my life. I’ve been called out for being too focused on them and not focused on myself nearly enough. True. I’ve been called out for being doggedly and unerringly focused on their sports careers to the point where I have ignored advice from and often skipped the partnership conversations to just bull ahead with what I wanted for the boys. True. I’ve been accused of spending way too much money to put them in things they ‘don’t need’ Partially true. I’ve been called out for needing them to need me. Not true. Everything that is said about me in this regard is a matter of perspective. What is and isn’t needed is a matter of informed perspective. What is absolutely right is that I have not been a good partner because of this stubborn goal. Unfortunately, the idea that I need this goal–that I need them to need me always walks hand in hand with this sort of thing. Any dad who invests this much in the success of his children in sports is going to be seen as Lavar Ball when instead they should be viewed as what they are: An individual who has been through adolescence and seen what it takes to be successful in this day and age and expects of himself to open those doors for his kids.
They gotta walk through it on their own before it shuts on its own.
Over the last decade I have spent a good deal of my time vacillating between the man I want to be and the man everyone else wants me to be. Everyone around me has an idea of who I am. At my core I am a person who allows that sort of influence to infect me. I move towards where people want me to be and often away from where I want to be. That conflict comes out of me in the most passive aggressive ways. I see it in my interactions with my life partner. I see it when I interact with my ex wife. I see it in the bonds I form with my students. I think that I am still searching for a way for my true self to emerge and still figuring out who that person actually is.
I know that my life is being lived in phases and goals. I don’t intend to be the parent who ships his kids off to college and then doesn’t have anything left. The kids are a wrapper and I have an entire life beneath the foil.