I am experiencing a number of internet and computer problems family wide. It reminds me of how ungrateful I’ve become over the course of my life of the ability to even communicate in this fashion. Wonder has morphed into expectation over the years, and that expectation is set incredibly high. If I am paying 80 bucks a month for internet I expect the net to be on point always. It isn’t, of course and the result tends to be a pang of disappointment resonating in my gut, but again that says more about me than it does about the technical failures. One does not blame the wind for blowing.
One blames himself for relying on the wind. I have become incredibly reliant on this digital breeze that pushes ever so gently through the wires and through the still desert air. I often debate exactly how much I know how to be still; how much I know how to function in the absence of screens.
I suppose this post is, in its own way, about an addiction. I’m addicted to the electronics and the games and the brief push of dopamine that follows winning but drains away so very quickly. Perhaps the kids I raise are the same, which is why they get so very upset when the glitch happens–when the internet slows enough to make the game wonky.
Some Thoughts:
- This was not the best of days for me. I succumbed to a lot of negativity and hopelessness on many levels. I made small failures large. I felt defensive. I allowed myself to feel like I was being monitored and couldn’t do the things that make me happy when in reality I was not sure what was going to make me happy. I felt expectations that, in retrospect, probably were never really there.
- This isn’t the first time. When I’m low I get this way. I think it goes back to growing up and all of that stuff being real whereas now it isn’t so much.