Pausing the Turnback for a closer reflection. See, today my heart rate spiked to 160/111. The internet defines that as ‘Go to the damn hospital!’ blood pressure. I didn’t go, of course, because I am me. It shuddered down to a more reasonable rate of 150/93, but that was hours ago and I am still feeling the lingering effects of hypertension. The thing is, I don’t even know why it spiked, and that is scary. While I quibble over how much of the day it cost me to try to be in hard chill mode, I need to remember that it could’ve cost me my life.
I am not yet 50, but I am a black man with high blood pressure that runs in the family. We’re not long for the earth under these circumstances. It is enough to make you think about finding value in each day and fully recognizing that each day could be the last day you have. It is also a time to be thinking about what it is going to take to get well. I’m going to need to cut back to near zero on a lot of the unhealthy eating, and I need to get rid of this excess weight even more now.
I want to live. I want to be here for my partner. I want to be here for my kids and all their big moments. I want to write the stories I’ve dreamed of all these years. I want the time to do these things, and that means doing what I need to do physically and mentally to arrive there. I am in really bad shape right now and I am afraid of what my body is trying to tell me. I need to get right. I need to do it immediately.
I may be out of chances otherwise.