10 Minute Rule

I spent the workday thinking about conspiracy theories and weird missing persons cases. That kind of stuff puts me in a different mindset. It makes me consider the mysterious and the wondrous and the all around appeal of strange things that suck readers (like me) into a narrative. As a result I’m thinking about the kind of characters that wind up in these situations. So, here is one.

Charles Loomy

Often people define themselves by their obsessions. Loomy started with coins. When it looked as thought the world was moving towards an obsession with digital money Loomy sold all his coins and invested in stocks. He was a big looser. He kept pumping money into the new obsession until he realized he didn’t have the talent for it. He switched to reality TV, relishing in the false lives of Kardashians and others. As a man with a wonderful memory and feel for history he was suited to track all the shows and all of the conflicts.

This life kept him at home during the hours he wasn’t working maintenance and he self-isolated in the hours that he was at work. Nobody knew Loomy and there was little to no outlet for his knowledge and the things that made him happy. So he became a homebody. He learned to use a computer and found reddit and found a community there that he could explore and be a person. As he did his outside world suffered.

People around him noticed him shrinking away from the world and his home grew less and less presentable on the exterior. He stopped caring and fell into his obsessions. On reddit he was loved. He was respected. He was an expert. Meanwhile in the real world he was the strange old man who lived in the crumbling house.

I have Covid-19 on my mind. I am concerned about the failures of our state to test a significant population of people. I’m worried about my kids and their risk of exposure. I’m worried about where we all go from here as a community. It has not hit the worst of it yet. People are not being crazy outside of stores. That time will likely come. This is a conceal and carry state after all.

It feels in ways that the fiction I consume has guided my understanding of the now and of the new normal. I read a ton of post-apocalyptic and end of the world fiction, which speaks of scenarios like these. It happens a great deal faster in books, but it does happen a lot like this. One anomaly is the weird resurgence of the stock market. That itself leads me to argue that the market is artificially inflated and influenced primarily by a handful of people–bilderberg style. These people have decided to put the market back to the ‘right’ spot and have adjusted their algorithms to make that happen.

It sounds like conspiracy theory, but it also sounds incredibly believable. There is no good reason the market should be having record days one after the other in light of the growing number of cases and deaths in the USA due to this virus. And still we are talking about “re-opening” the economy as we are only starting to discover how wide this is spread and how many lives are being lost in percentage to those who get it.

The hard truth is, the richest Americans and the majority of the leadership don’t really care if 1% die. This whole cure worse than the problem thing automatically values dollars over lives. More and more I recognize that dollars over lives is exactly what capitalism means.

This understanding is starting to filter into my writing already as this moment is influencing how I construct my next piece. The plague (for this is certainly that) will make a brief appearance and will influence how the technologies for the next story came together.

Meanwhile, everyone is trying to make a profit off of this situation and I am growing more and more disturbed by how easily people are doing so. We are looking at 3.3 million unemployed and nobody wants to think about the drain that will put on our nation and her states. Still, if there is a chance to make a dollar, lets do that. Capitalism indeed.

Some Thoughts:

1. I want to work from home. Seriously.

Here we are, in a world where the only sports are virtual and the sports books and everyone else in the industry is struggling to find a way to shift gears from a mode that is about fans in stadiums to one that is predicated on fans on TV. I am reminded at this moment of Death Race 2000, where all of the fans were casting the show live and the cheers and jeers were largely simulated. This seems entirely doable in this context. We could keep going. ESports can carry for a while.

At the very least we can rely on the beauty of games like Modern Warfare to lead the way. Yes, I know I should be talking about Fortnite, but it is not a beautiful game or even a particularly good one. However, it is set up nicely for weekly competition and will capture a larger audience in the age of Covid.

Meanwhile in the physical sports world all we can do is wait for good free agent signings and speculate about the draft. Presently the draft is secondary to the hoopla about Tom Brady going to Tampa Bay. The man trademarked TB X TB. Smart man. There is another QB on the move to somewhere. That is the man they call Cam Newton. Cam was cut. Cam has been a shell of himself since 2016 ended in a cavalcade of injuries. Now he has to prove he can do something. I think he should take a low budget contract with the Patriots and see what happens. Once they clear off all this dead money they’ll be ready for a reload. No, Patriots don’t rebuild. I think Cam can be their franchise guy until Stidham is actually ready.

Some Thoughts:

1. Middle school spring sports are cancelled. I wonder if they would’ve cancelled football? As of now Spring football (club) is still on and poppin.
2. Just waiting to find out when it is going to pop.

So, I was wrong about the date. I found the error as I was wandering back through the posts and counted the dates back up. Yeah, I was about 100 days off, an error that was caused by changing a 2 to a 3 at some point. This means the deeper reflections are somewhat on hold at this point. I am going to be doing this in a monthly fashion–taking time to reflect on 4 and considering what comes next. There may not even be a 5 any time soon. I may roll this thing into two years.

Meanwhile this Covid-19 situation is rolling into more than a month. It is more than likely that the schools will be pushed online or canceled outright. So now I am adjusting to summer-style living with the caveat that my kids cannot actually spend time with their friends. They are stuck with each other, which is great for an hour or two and then goes sour.

In terms of the writing, I am getting back around to a schedule that I can write on effectively. I’m happy about it and happy about getting myself back in gear. This change has been jarring, but the truth is I want to absolutely live like this. I’m a fan.

Almost a full year ago I moved from series three to series 4 with the promise to develop, in this year, a different way of living and loving. This was not the exact promise, but it was the heart of the matter. Things were changing, and I was looking forward to evolving along the way. In four days I will be offering a full ten minute reflection on this, mitigated by how much has changed just in the last few days/weeks. I don’t know that I even would recognize the world of just one year ago. Along the way it is important to consider what I wanted personally out of this last iteration.

I wanted to publish more. I did that, to an extent, publishing more in the past year than I had the previous year, yet not actually publishing the stories I wanted to be writing. So, there is a win and a loss all rolled into one there.

I wanted to be happier in my working life. I am not. I am also not settled in my working life, though I am faced with more and more interesting challenges and I am making much more money than before.

I wanted to be healthier, and I am quite the opposite. In truth I’ve come close to an understanding of my own mortality and the limited time I have left on this planet. It has not been the kickstarter one would presume. It is quite debilitating.

I wanted to be happier in my personal life, but I am an angrier and far less settled person who often stuffs things down deep and tries to evade confrontations at every possible turn. Perhaps that was always me, but now it is so glaringly at the surface that I wonder if I am going to explode or implode. It is unhealthy. It is extremely unhealthy to have a weekly conversation with yourself where you ask if it is better to be alive or dead. This shouldn’t even be a question, let alone the guiding one.

I need a deeper reflection on these things. A ten minute blog will be the culmination, but the analysis ought to run far deeper, considering the heaviness of the subject matter and the impact all of this has on my daily existence. Moving forward requires looking back and knowing what steps to take next.

***Post Blog Edit***

Turns out I am 100+ days off on this thing. I mistakenly upset the number system. I discovered this by returning to 4.1 and reading through my post on that day in early July and thought… WTF? So, yeah. That happened. Still, there is always need of reflection.

I am struggling with my mental state to the point that it is having a physical impact on my body. In this time where I want to be carefree and loving and focused on the work to be done I am bombarded by worry for the mental state of others and tiptoeing around every word, phrase, and suggestion. This virus has exposed and enhanced a great deal of worries in my life. The things that are most insecure are heightened tenfold to the point where all feels like performance and nothing feels real or genuine or connected. It is as if we are all playing roles here in some apocalyptic thriller as we wait out the next step towards our inevitable end.

I do not think the Coronavirus will fundamentally change our world and interpersonal relationships for very long. I am, by nature, an optimist and one who believes in the resiliency of man. This is not a popular opinion. Everywhere I turn suggests the opposite and to hold fast to that promise of resiliency makes me feel very alone.

Much makes me feel very alone and unsafe in this situation. Perhaps that is the deepest and most honest feeling that I am registering in all of this. Perhaps that is the truest pulse of my present existence. I feel unsafe in nearly every possible way. I feel unsafe physically, as there are idiots out wandering about; as my health teeters on the dangerous edge of this pandemic and I greatly suspect if I do get this, I will be numbered among the dead. I feel unsafe emotionally, as though navigating a mine(mind)field of emotions and actions that trigger suggestions of emotion and cause those already on the edge of last light to move further into darkness.

In all of this I feel forced to carry on a lie. I feel forced to maintain this sheen of impenetrability, because that is the expectation of the man of the house, is it not? I feel triggered towards unnatural action and expectation not in line with who I am or want to be.

In all of this the one bit of security I have is my job. Sadly, this is the one area of my life in which I feel in control. I have easily digestible tasks that, once ordered into a list, can be carried out. However, I cannot do my job without guilt. Any focus on the work is largely seen as a lack of focus on the other pillars of my life. It becomes a this or that scenario that is both false and divisive. So, I do try to do the work, but it comes in starts and fits–it arises when an email catches my eye or my mind wanders towards a problem I can actually solve; towards something I can do and be done with and feel that dopamine release of success.

Yet that release is clouded by guilt as are most things in my daily existence. I am not seen as focused on the right things. I am asked and left to ask myself why that is. Perhaps in these words above there is a truer answer.

Listening to Mr. Nightmare again and I am struck by the thought that people will, in time, lose their minds. I say this because a number of people really are looking for someone to do/believe/act upon. Often people are not looking for the best within themselves but instead looking to get ahead and take advantage of other people. I fear this is the basic human nature which is mitigated by social expectation and the law. We, as a people, will get away with what we can.

What does that mean for Covid? I suggest we look no further than our fiction. There is an overwhelming thematic feel in fiction that once things get weird, we get violent and stupid and very very scared. Parts of this are unfolding now. Parts of this are purely story elements designed to make the fiction more engaging. How much do we rely on these fictional expectations in order to determine what happens next?

Here is what actually worries me: We have, for some time now, been dealing with an increasingly armed and militant sect of the American public. Often that element is associated with right wing ideology, racism, and hoarding. These militias are also largely associated with rural America. I don’t live there, but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter to me or to the people I love.

This time is trying. We have to figure out how to stay together and stay sane as a nation.

At some point during the afternoon I forgot what day it was. I wasn’t alone. Later one of my kids approached me and swore it was Saturday, and as such we ought to be at my partners house hanging out instead of at our other house, chillin. He was, obviously, wrong. Still he was right in the sense that the days did not hold the same meaning. He lacked the responsibilities of school and practice and sporting events to ground his reality to a regularly scheduled calendar. We’ve existed as such for so long that it is odd to be any other way. Yet, here we are. It is the other way and I am struggling to find my balance, my mooring, and, occasionally, my drive.

This is not to say I have no drive. I have that drive I always get at home–which is to improve the home and to work on those ‘daddy do’ items that have stacked up in the far forgotten corners of my mind only to be awakened as the nightmares that exist in the shadows carved from the loss of light in children’s rooms and sometimes minds. My nightmares are carved from hard water and a lack of understanding of plumbing. Nightmarish indeed. Today I broke a sink trying to fix it.

Today I stared at a pile of unread books and considered a better tomorrow.

Some Thoughts:

1. In this nightmarish time I am awakened to the possibility of more time to do my taxes, to explore my home and figure out what few things I will take when I go.
2. I have time to prepare for my busy fall season.
3. I have a chance to write–both what is due and what I want to do.
4. I have a chance to pursue micro-fiction.
5. And video games.
6. And sip tea as I stare out across the empty streets and smile.
7. I wonder if people are watching the Walking Dead and gathering ideas?

There are a number of writers out there convinced that the time off will give them the time and space needed to write their book. While I wish them well, the only proclamation I fall into is, “I’m going to try and figure this all out for myself.” I cannot promise anything more than that. The situation is fluid and full of change. Nothing about my day to day work life remains intact, and my family life is equally impacted. I cannot say what the impact will be of full time work from home, because I am not set up for it, nor do I have a sense of how to get there.

I want to get there.

In a perfect world I work from home for the rest of my professional career, only going into the office when it is required for events. This reality requires preparations I have not made in either home. The weekend home (as we now call it) is set up better for that so far, but that is solely because I have a space with power and a workstation. That doesn’t mean my life is set up for that–for having everyone at home all the time and moving about and living their lives, which often include or at least desire my presence. I love that. I love that my life can often be compartmentalized in hang with family and work compartments, but the reality no longer allows that and I have no real ability to separate out those things on my home thus far–especially in terms of wanting to spend the majority of my time with my partner.

In short, I need to man up. Working from home can be excellent so long as I can structure my time and stick to that structure.

So… Brady is a Buc, Foles is a Bear, Teddy B is a Panther, and Rivers is a Colt. Things are crazy already and they are just getting going. Nobody knows what happens to the on-roster QBs in this situation, and absolutely nobody knows what things will look like with the Patriots. I am starting to see a bit of clarity with the Giants though. Turns out this Joe Judge guy might know player personnel.

Having been with the Patriots before (what will henceforth be known as) the purge, Judge learned a lot about evaluating talent and determining the best option for the money available. I get that. I coach special teams and even at the youth level I get a mix of the best and worst on the team. I get the top returner and top kicker and a bunch of kids who haven’t played the game all that much. I get to teach them to do one thing really well and hope that it is enough to get us points on the board. Judge did that and he did it well.

Now he has an entire roster to manage in that fashion and he keeps on bringing in pieces. He brought in a talented inside linebacker as well as a bargain chip backer with loads of talent. He brought a corner that is probably a 2 or 3 and set him as a man to man 1 guy, because that is what he does best. Now he has space to build around these pieces and maybe pursue an edge beast (please NOT Clowney–our injury team is not that good, obviously).

I am excited for what the draft offers, because that is where we can see the vision really come into focus. I am also excited about the way the man coaches. He delegates and lets people bring in the people they feel are best for the program and then he oversees the whole thing. I like it. I respect it and I want to operate in that paradigm in my own professional life. What makes it work is buy in. Everyone on the staff buys in to the plan, just like I buy in to my HC’s plan. Just like I need my own professional team to buy into mine.

A lot to be learned from sports, and a lot of fun to be had just enjoying the process and the outcomes.

Some Thoughts:

1. It just occurred to me that I will be making the 365 post in the time of the Coronavirus.