Almost a full year ago I moved from series three to series 4 with the promise to develop, in this year, a different way of living and loving. This was not the exact promise, but it was the heart of the matter. Things were changing, and I was looking forward to evolving along the way. In four days I will be offering a full ten minute reflection on this, mitigated by how much has changed just in the last few days/weeks. I don’t know that I even would recognize the world of just one year ago. Along the way it is important to consider what I wanted personally out of this last iteration.
I wanted to publish more. I did that, to an extent, publishing more in the past year than I had the previous year, yet not actually publishing the stories I wanted to be writing. So, there is a win and a loss all rolled into one there.
I wanted to be happier in my working life. I am not. I am also not settled in my working life, though I am faced with more and more interesting challenges and I am making much more money than before.
I wanted to be healthier, and I am quite the opposite. In truth I’ve come close to an understanding of my own mortality and the limited time I have left on this planet. It has not been the kickstarter one would presume. It is quite debilitating.
I wanted to be happier in my personal life, but I am an angrier and far less settled person who often stuffs things down deep and tries to evade confrontations at every possible turn. Perhaps that was always me, but now it is so glaringly at the surface that I wonder if I am going to explode or implode. It is unhealthy. It is extremely unhealthy to have a weekly conversation with yourself where you ask if it is better to be alive or dead. This shouldn’t even be a question, let alone the guiding one.
I need a deeper reflection on these things. A ten minute blog will be the culmination, but the analysis ought to run far deeper, considering the heaviness of the subject matter and the impact all of this has on my daily existence. Moving forward requires looking back and knowing what steps to take next.
***Post Blog Edit***
Turns out I am 100+ days off on this thing. I mistakenly upset the number system. I discovered this by returning to 4.1 and reading through my post on that day in early July and thought… WTF? So, yeah. That happened. Still, there is always need of reflection.