10 Minute Rule

Kobe Bryant died in a horrible helicopter accident yesterday. At first I didn’t think it was real, because it was reported by TMZ and because these things are entirely unexpected and frankly unbelievable. The man was younger than I was and far more famous and wealthy. People of this nature often seem beyond death. Then one day they are not. I would like to speak on his legacy, and Waiver Wednesday will address that. However, today is more about the way his death brought up the allegation of rape he faced years ago. Some of the earliest reports of his death made quick mention of this allegation, and I find that incredibly troubling.

When our President is mentioned he is not generally mentioned in the same breath as, the man accused of rape. It does happen, because it did happen multiple times. Several prominent figures have been accused of rape, but this particular figure quite literally has had the accusation follow him to the grave. Bryant was accused of rape by a then 19 year old hotel employee. They both agreed that sex occurred but the consensual nature of the act was in question. He was briefly charged with the crime but those charges were dropped. She later sued him on different grounds and they settled out of court. What happened next was a matter of people placing their own opinions and beliefs on the matter. In this sense Kobe Bryant remained what he has long been, a larger than life representation of what we want to believe about the people we look up to. For some he was the hero that could never have done this. For others he was another example of the false idol that athletes represent.

What bugs me about the entire thing is that this event, while a relevant portion of his life, was allowed to be placed front and center in a moment where we should be remembering the best parts of him and not working hard to marr the good that he did. Yet here we are. It goes to show that people have a story they want to tell about you and that story is always more relevant than who you actually are.

Had a chance to watch Where did you go Bernadette this evening and it moved me. It felt like another hard shove in the direction of production. I loved the film both as an exercise in storytelling and a catharsis of the lost creativity and feelings of being trapped by fear and responsibilities. As a writer who ain’t writing I find my way in and out of a lot of excuses. This film showed me something I’d forgotten: the power of deep and lasting creativity. Guess what? I miss it.

I miss the idea archive. I miss pouring myself into a world and a story so completely that I understand the nuance of how and why people make the choices they do and why those are realistic choices. I miss the joy of grinning over a particular turn of phrase. I miss loving what I write and writing what I love.

I miss the slow anticipation of a story release. I miss the powerful sensation of a good idea. I miss feeling like I did something that lasts—that matters. Simply put, I miss telling stories.

these thumps. These moments of recognition and clarity have become signposts driving me back towards a place of knowing and understanding my connection to the story verse. I’m still not there—I don’t feel it in my bones yet. However, I’m closer than before and close enough to know it is time to start calling out for it with words and writing to build a tether to keep me there as long as I live.

I have been wallowing. This muddy pool of laziness and self pity has a deep end that I can drown in, but I tend to stay close enough to the edge that I can still breathe, if barely. It took a thoughtful text from my partner to help me realize exactly what was going on and why it needs to stop.

She said, “How can I help?” It was the kind of lifeline partners throw as a reflex. It is built into the very idea of partnership that what you are is connected and if one is struggling then by definition the other is struggling. This in turn helped me recall that I too am her partner and my struggles–my inability to do more than wallow as of late–brings her down. This, oddly, is where high school physics kicked in.

There’s this experiment online that shows a teacher explaining gravity (and space/time to high school students. It’s here if you want to check it out (you should. As he loads more balls unto the field it becomes clear the impact one has on another. It occurred to me that I have a fairly large reach and I can be extremely impactful to others as a writer and an educator and that impact has not been positive as of late. My personal gravity has been sucking others down into this well of not goodness. That realization matters.

No, I’m not going to instantly become super productive and bright and sunny. Gravity is a force that moves slowly over time, but realization is also a force. It can work towards pushing me back into a better orbit.

I have a responsibility to use my platform and reach as a writer, a parent, an educator, and especially as a partner to bring light. Stopping short of some Jedi-level nonsense, I feel myself to be a positive presence. I just need to get off my butt and do something with that presence.

There has been some considerable conversation as to whether or not I am still actually a functioning author. Well, I just saw a proof of a story that is going to drop this summer, so yes. That being said, the process to create that story was extremely taxing and pushed me far out of my comfort zone to the point where I have not actually written anything of worth since. This is of course assuming the piece in question was of worth. Tough speculations aside, I am not really writing.

I spent the evening curled up on the couch listening to the boys gleefully play while I watched bad tv. I didn’t read. I did not watch good tv. I just sat there bored and lonely and wasted more of the dwindling moments of my life. I worked for a few moments. I sent an email. I distractedly played a game. Then it was more bad tv. It is some sort of disease or illness I feel I have with such things. I fall into dark periods of nothingness between the words. I used to call it recovery, but now I think it is just the natural resting state for me as a writer. As we know, an object in rest…

Coming out of such a fugue state remains extremely difficult. I don’t know how to do it short of another deadline (note: It turns out I actually have one). I also lack any real ability to string these productive periods together together. I feel like a victim of bi-polar disorder whose highs are very very short and very very shallow; a wading pool for toddlers level of depth.

I’ve started to look into this novel project of mine. I’m about to undertake the 6 month writing of a fantasy novel beginning on February 1 and going through till August when I expect to be done. It is a massive undertaking and one I am taking far more lightly than I probably should. If my 100 push ups experience is any indication, I’m going to strain a brain muscle in the process. Unlike the push ups, I believe I can will me through this one.

What is different here from previous novel writing efforts is… level of skill? No, nothing is really different. I am not entering this project with any more awareness beyond knowing that this story is that dangling thread that needs to be tugged, which I will indeed tug. It feels like something that needs to be done.

It also feels like a project that is being done before everyone else does it. Much of what I dream up to write gets written by another writer as I am imagining it. So, doing this now and in a contained time frame allows me the chance to actually get it out first. There’s some joy in knowing that could happen.

I’m going to take a brief moment to rant about 8 yr olds being treated like they are the world’s next greatest athletes. There is a kid who already has a scholarship, several actually. There is a kid with an Under Armour contract and muscles so defined that I have to wonder if the daily work will in fact stunt his growth. People are legit doing the Batman level training (Robin, actually) with their kids. It is a serious thing for a lot of adults to train their kids to the point of physical peak. I train my kids, but not at that level. I try to expose them to different sports and push them towards a life of being active and fit. I want them to not be couch pirates like their pop has become. They’ve been engaged in a number of sports and opportunities for awards and experiences.

This all leads to today’s wrestling tourney where my mid kid took 3rd. He wanted first and is dissatisfied by the medal. This is entirely my fault as I have pushed him to the point where he feels winning is the only option. Maybe that is a message to me to help him learn how to enjoy the sport more than simply be all about the win.

Winning is awesome, but so is the game. Enjoy the opportunity to experience it.

Presently reading I Found You by Lisa Jewell. She is the author of 18 best sellers and it is clear early on why this is the case. See, Jewell has mastered that slick trick that keeps readers engaged throughout books and throughout series. She is the master of Meta Suspense.

This is my term. I use the term to define a type of suspense that applies to the crux of the story but is played out between the writer and the reader and not actually the characters themselves. The really good writers have a knack of drawing you into a conflict by using different characters to form a mystery that directly pertains to the core problem of the story but forces you to guess early on what the answer is and then strings it out tightly throughout. In the case of I Found You, the story centers around a missing person. We first meet a woman whose husband has gone missing. This is one of three stories being told simultaneously. Hers is the first. The second is about a woman who finds a man on the beach. This man has lost his memory. Of course the assumption immediately is that this is the same man. This is where Jewell’s skill comes into play. She introduces a 3rd narrative told in 1993. This narrative features two men and throughout the book we are left to wonder which of the two men are eventually going to become this missing husband/amnesiac or if the two men are actually the same after all.

Suspense, yo.

I’ve been thinking about the power of Meta Suspense and how to incorporate that in my writing. It is a skill to be sure, and in the absence of the novel I was writing (now lost to the annals of the apple repair queue) I will be attempting to incorporate this Meta Suspense into the narrative of the story I will be starting tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow! First chance to actually write has at long last arrived.

If I do it well enough I may be able to construct that master meta suspense that spans an entire series. This is the thing that made A Song of Ice and Fire tick.

The concept of a Monday Morning Quarterback is to look at things that happened the day before in sports and discuss how it could and should have been handled differently. The term, has been widely adopted to reflect a larger sense of seeing things in hindsight and discussing how they could have been handled better. This applies to my life in numerous ways. I am often better in reflection than action (read: I am a writer). In this specific reflection, however, I am focused narrowly on ‘onboarding’ students into a new class environment.

To begin, have your stuff all the way ready before you open the doors.

I am experimenting with a ton of new content in several classes. While most of that content is part of an Online Active Textbook designed to give a fairly studious and unified experience to students when it comes to the basics of writing, most of that content is incomplete. I did not understand that when I input the material. I also did not understand how it would fundamentally change my course or that it would enter the course both turned on (visible) and due. So, a few students in an online class were hit with a ton of material they should never have seen. Likewise due dates for other material were inaccurate (stuff that was not supposed to be due this early in the semester reading as being overdue). All of that looks confusing and makes students question to reliability of the instruction–especially in an environment where this sort of mixed messaging is the only messaging that they can see.

Hit them with the theme on day one.
Students want to know about content. They want to know what interesting and cool stuff they’ll be subjected to and they want to know right away. I did a better job of that this year and in most classes we are well underway towards shaping a class based on these ideas and ideals. Again, I did not do this effectively in the online environment, so while there were hits there were also misses.

Build Community
This is key. I’ve been good in spots at this through my career. I am very good at developing a small group dynamic, but trash at fostering a class dynamic that reflects the positive aspects of the small group dynamic. I foster a culture of competition, but I want it to be like golfing where everyone likes each other but wants to win. It is like the NFL where it is fiercely tribal and some teams stay away from others always.

Call these my three opening commandments for effective teaching and learning.

Some Thoughts:

1. Jam of the day: Wus Poppin
2. Creepy image of the day: The Ghost of the Stanley Hotel. Feels faked.

If the Packers join the Chiefs in the super bowl it will be a repeat of the very first Super Bowl, which is to say that is crazy. Perhaps that is the NFL reflecting on 100 yrs a little too hard? A little too convenient? Hard to say, but yeah. It feels fixed. Meanwhile I feel like I am back on the verge of doing things again. I have spent a good amount of the weekend researching and thinking about creative writing from a teaching and a programming perspective. I find myself in a position to actually get things done, make a difference, and forge connections. I also find myself in a position where I have a ton of questions and I do not have the answers to those questions.

Some Thoughts:

1. New computer. New key touch feel. It feels really good. Nothing tops a mac.
2. I have reached the end of the Elementary show. Yes, weekends are for binge watching. I deeply enjoyed seeing elements of that show, but overall it felt rushed. They struggled to touch back on the Moriarty angle and added several story elements that were not successfully wrapped up. Not a fan of seeing shows end, but if they end well…
3. Speaking of not ending well, Arrow. Nuff said.
4. On to the Crisis! It changed everything for all of the shows and I find it really interesting that they managed to pull a 5 show retcon and at the same time open the door to crossovers from everywhere. Now we can successfully argue that the DC Movie universe exists in the same multiverse as everything else and that each considers itself earth prime.
5. Oh, and they bringing back swamp thing.

This is the first of three big wrestling tourneys my mid kid is competing in this month. While I am supposed to be excited, I am instead quite annoyed. See, he is not a person who takes a ton of responsibility for his own failures, so already I see that he is looking to blame anyone else for him losing. I’ve already had to shut him down on this tourney’s blame cycle–not even being willing to engage in the banter. This is the best way to handle such things. Shut him down and penalize if the conversation continues. I.e. wanna talk more? Okay then we skip the next one. More and more I believe he is not cut out to be an athlete. I don’t know what he is cut out for with that attitude. Perhaps he will grow into a better man based on learning from these experiences. One can only hope.

So, hope is what I will do and discuss here. I’m in a world of hope with little to represent solid footing. I hope I have not irrevocably injured the most important and impactful relationship in my life, though I doubt I even know how to know such things. I hope this new job experience leads to deeper understanding of the writing world and doesn’t just fall to dysfunction and politics (I have the freedom to quit should that occur). I hope I can get on track with my storytelling in a way that reminds me of why I love writing–a way I can feel. I hope I stay on track with my classes.

Lots of hopes light the month of January. Often by February those lights have collapsed into darkness. It happens. I cannot guarantee it won’t happen to me, but the thing about hope is that the flame needs to be fanned. I’m good at hoping; bad at fanning. So, we shall indeed see.

Some Thoughts:

1. Just learned that Harry and wife gave up their royal titles. This is set back for race relations. Sadly, people will blame the black chick for messing everything. It does not matter that this is not at all true, based on what i’ve been reading and what has been said by the people involved. It will be seen as ‘what happens’ when you involve those not like you. Obviously her being an American only makes things worse.