I have been wallowing. This muddy pool of laziness and self pity has a deep end that I can drown in, but I tend to stay close enough to the edge that I can still breathe, if barely. It took a thoughtful text from my partner to help me realize exactly what was going on and why it needs to stop.
She said, “How can I help?” It was the kind of lifeline partners throw as a reflex. It is built into the very idea of partnership that what you are is connected and if one is struggling then by definition the other is struggling. This in turn helped me recall that I too am her partner and my struggles–my inability to do more than wallow as of late–brings her down. This, oddly, is where high school physics kicked in.
There’s this experiment online that shows a teacher explaining gravity (and space/time to high school students. It’s here if you want to check it out (you should. As he loads more balls unto the field it becomes clear the impact one has on another. It occurred to me that I have a fairly large reach and I can be extremely impactful to others as a writer and an educator and that impact has not been positive as of late. My personal gravity has been sucking others down into this well of not goodness. That realization matters.
No, I’m not going to instantly become super productive and bright and sunny. Gravity is a force that moves slowly over time, but realization is also a force. It can work towards pushing me back into a better orbit.
I have a responsibility to use my platform and reach as a writer, a parent, an educator, and especially as a partner to bring light. Stopping short of some Jedi-level nonsense, I feel myself to be a positive presence. I just need to get off my butt and do something with that presence.