10 Minute Rule

You might want to lower your expectations for the Oscars this year. There are a number of factors leading to this being a sub par situation. For me the key part of it is the buzz being generated by Roma. This is the foreign film that won basically everything at the Globes. I watched this film days ago and did not finish. Roma was basic. Roma was trying to show us a world where there is a strong divide between wealth and poverty yet the problems we face (namely men in this case) unite us. However, that story was highly stylized and told in such a way that it made me feel like the director figured we needed to languish in the scenes in order to appreciate the divide.

Here’s the deal: I appreciate the divide. Don’t rub my face in it and don’t overly stylize it. The black and white was just too far. Nevertheless, it won. That could mean it will win more.

I’m hoping Spiderman wins. I’m hoping Black Panther does not win, because in my mind that makes me feel like they’ll need to nominate Captain Marvel, because that is just how things feel these days. I’m being snarky but only a little.

Some Thoughts:

1. This Nugenix crap is irritating. I believe there are tons of men out there who believe in it and thus find themselves trying it and recognizing that it is bunk. There is no magic pill for aging. You just get old and need to work harder for less results.

They really need to fix the publish button. I logged in today with a ton of confusion about what happened to 3.230. I wrote it, thought it published, and discovered that no such thing happened. This is not the first time this has occurred. I can only blame technology so far. In truth part of the problem falls on me for not being patient and thoughtful at the end of the blog when I should be. I’m rushing to click through and (usually get to class or bed) get to the next thing. Lesson learned, I suppose.

Some Thoughts:

1. Been exposed to the Zion hype machine. Most recently he tore through his shoe, leading to a minor injury. The hype train only intensified as folks are arguing that there needs to be a special shoe for Zion, because his feet are so powerful that normal Nikes cannot contain him. Or maybe he used the damn things so much that they wore out. Or maybe he had a defective pair. Stop the hype. He cannot live up to such hype. He’s being sold harder than LeBron.

The most difficult part in this writer’s life is the space in between stories. From the moment I end one narrative until I put word to paper for the next there exists this dead space in which all of that hope and potential swells, pops, and lurks in the emptiness of my mind. I am not good at starting and even worse and handling being finished. These things, critical to being a successful author, stand out among my glaring weaknesses. Presently I am efforting to deal with this issue. I’m working through the dead space in order to reach my next tale before that space stretches out into a vast void and I am lost until the lure of a paycheck drags me back towards writing.

I have stories in mind and I wanted today to be the day I sat down and wrote them out. Unfortunately, life and work and lazy mornings all conspired against me. So, here I am blogging about my maladies as a form of admission and hoping that the act of admission will morph into the act of correction, because there are stories that need to be told.

It isn’t even Wednesday and I’m deep ‘in my feelings’ about how the week is going to go. There is a lot going on and the logistics of the thing have me backpedaling by Tuesday. The worst part is that this promises to be the way of things straight up to and into the spring break.

This is less about the writer’s life than it is about the hectic nature of being a writer, dad, teacher, and ultimately trying to balance all of these things during a week where they will all demand my attention in the same 24 hour period. This is largely about Fridays. Those are tough ones for me, because everyone has something going on and a good deal of it requires me to play driver to the boys. When I can’t it becomes a situation where I need to find a way to juggle a lot and there is not a lot of help available to make things go. I could be exaggerating it, but there is little by the way of a chance to feel like I can ‘chill’ on those days.

Some Thoughts:

1. Happy days at work and at home. Hectic but happy.
2. Learning to be a better dad and what that means–especially when it comes to teaching kids to be self-sufficient and to learn good habits.

I finished a major writing project on Saturday. I wrote nothing save the blog on Sunday. It is Monday now and the words have yet to flow. They must flow tomorrow and in the torrents required to maintain the consistency of my purpose. The blog is no longer enough.

The next story awaits and lurks in the corners of my mind, though I have worries about pulling on that thread too hard and snapping it off in the process. Mixed metaphors, I know, but forgive me. I am building towards a writing life I can be proud of.

Some Thoughts:

1. Re-watching Game of Thrones from the beginning and I am loving it. The show reminds me of the good that fantasy can be. The sex they use to push this to a modern (read: HBO) audience is a bit much, but it does become something you can overlook after a while.
2. Saw Green Book. It was a fun ride and excellent acting, but it is not Picture of the Year material.

Once upon a time Kliff Kingsbury said he’d take Kyler Murray with the first pick in the NFL draft if he could. Now he can, and the media is jumping all over it. Nevermind that the Cards drafted Josh Rosen #10 overall last year as part of a QB draft class where the top 5 QBs were being touted as future hall of fame stars (or risky busts in the case of Mayfield and Jackson). All of this points to a central truth: The media wants to create a story about these QBs, regardless of talent.

Kyler Murray might wind up being amazing. The same can be said of Ohio State’s, Dwayne Haskins. Both have long been seen as better than Sam Darnold, who went extremely high last year and is still being treated as a star QB, despite a terrible season (D+ rating by ESPN as of October and he didn’t improve). I still see articles saying the Giants should have taken him instead of Barkley.

It is all about the story now. The media wants to talk about the way a young QB came in and changed a team. It is a story that sells, and if you make a move roster-wise that prevents them from telling it, you are the bad guy.

Even I can admit that last night was flat out weird. The post valentine’s day poem was the clear result of writing all day and being slap happy at the end of the night. Still, you gotta get that out of your system sometimes. I got my latest writing project out of my system. It took longer than I wanted, but I’m officially back up to speed on writing. The goal now is to keep it going–roll on into the next project and keep rolling for the rest of my days.

Writing is my life, but hasn’t really been a lifestyle. I want to make it my lifestyle. I need to do that if I expect to be successful.

Some Thoughts:

1. It was really great watching my boys in the Spartan Race. No victories for the boys this time, but it was a learning experience. It helped them to understand where they are in the athletic spectrum. They aren’t on top. Now are they hungry enough to try to get there?
2. Tried Apex Legends. The game is so much better than fortnite that it isn’t even fair. Not fair at all. Felt like someone with legit game design and writing ability stepped up and said, “Let me show you how to battle royale!”

‘‘Twas the night after Valentines

And all throughout the house

There was writing and playing and

Not nary a mouse

I sit here with words yet to hit the page

It feels like this project has lasted an age

But the end is approaching

The next will start soon

I feel like my writing will start to balloon

By that I mean I will be writing much more

For there are great stories that I have in store

This poem is a poor indication of what

Can be if I give it my heart

The poem comes at the end of a day where

This morning I could not hardly start

I find writers block awaits me when I sit down

And attempt to finish what I dared to start

But I’ll get through it again and again because

Pain is a part of this art

Love is common. Romantic love that lasts is extremely rare. I suppose we have these holidays as a way to further the promise of love and to make it into an act (or action or state of being) that is expected more than coveted. We love because we must love, because to do otherwise would be alien. Embedded in the script of that normalization is a pattern of actions that define how we reinforce and ultimately reward that love. It is a ritual as simple to walk through as dance steps laid out on the floor. You date, you have sex, you fall in love, you get married. You live happily ever after until you don’t. Lately I’ve come to recognize that the steps of that dance do not need to apply to my situation. It is a freedom that can be misunderstood on the surface. It is a freedom that deepens the understanding of the commitment I have and makes me want to dance–to create my own sequence of steps towards bliss–not because of expectation, but because of a shared understanding of significance.

Once I sat at the opening for Matrix Revolutions with a man five years my younger. He told me how important it was for him to be at that film on the first night and he and I both recognized the shared importance of that moment. We didn’t care what anyone else thought about our decision to brave the crowds for a movie that wouldn’t matter to the generation of kids born after 2010. It mattered to us and it reinforced our shared understanding of what mattered to us that we were there. This is how I have come to view marriage. While it is an external expectation blanketed over every male/female dynamic, it holds a particular meaning to me and to my partner as well.

I want to get there. I want to do it right. We are together now because we belong together. Our love is sealed with a kiss. It ought to be dressed in rings.

Some Thoughts:

1. Yes, I did just use the worst version of the Matrix movies in order to describe my understanding of matrimony.
2. No, I don’t want a redo.

I took a moment today to watch happy dog videos as a way to escape the growing stress and disappointment of my daily life. Dogs be happy. Nobody else is. For me the problem is twofold. On the one hand I feel responsible for the happiness of those around me. On the other hand I feed off of the emotions of those around me like an empathic vampire. So in that sense, good vibes in, good vibes out. However, I’ve done very little to promote happiness lately and my own anger towards distant figures in my life (ex wife, mom, certain co-workers) lurks below the surface like a deep geyser ready to blow. To continue this tortured metaphor, happiness is the water that rises and prevents said geyser from being exposed.

That isn’t working anymore. Tide is low… and the metaphor is clearly played out. So, what I need to do is directly confront that anger perhaps in a blog?

So here we are:

I feel like I am the only one working towards bettering my kids in any realistic way. I feel like my co-parent only does what is convenient, easy, and doesn’t require her to risk or waste or otherwise put herself out there. I live out there and it impacts my relationships absolutely. It impacts my life absolutely and causes me endless animosity towards everyone on that ‘side’ of the equation. The fact that there are sides at all is disturbing and holds to a singular fact that I am in the midsts of a fractured existence marked by occasional eruptions as the co-parent blissfully moves through life due to not actually caring about the outcome.

Maybe I ought to not care so much.

The most recent drama involves registration and of course I’m being held responsible for everything. I’m not, nor will I own it anymore. Other people need to be responsible too.