10 Minute Rule

The preview text in the box said, ‘write your story’ and I felt it was an invitation. I need to write my story. I have lost count of how many blogs I wrote talking about how I need to write my story and to write stories in general. Writer’s Day was about that. The days in general have been adding up to a strange sort of chorus of write, write, write. 

Yet I am not writing with the courage and certainty of a man who has done this for as many years as I have.

Yet I am writing.

Maybe it is best to start with that. Yesterday an idea fell out of me and it felt very good. Tomorrow I am going to complete a project and then move on to a story I am slowly becoming excited about writing. This is a good moment and step in the process. It feels like things are starting to come together for me in so many ways. It feels like the universe might want to knock me off track, but I am going to flow with the energies of the universe and turn this life back towards something special.

Some Thoughts:

1. Turns out you have to click Publish twice to publish in Gutenberg. I haven’t decided that I like the interface yet, but I can tell you it is making me feel like I am forgetting to blog or just losing my mind. When I sat down to write this tonight I saw that I had not published yesterday. I wrote. It did not publish. This is not acceptable.

The plan is to make sure there are at least 3 out of seven days in the week where I get real writing done. Eventually that should shift to 7, but baby steps. Three means that I am devoting no less than two hour chunks to the craft. The plan, as it stands, is to start with this ten minutes of freewriting and then go directly into some creative, well, creation. I want to repopulate my idea archive. Now as a professional there is a good deal of that archive I need to keep to myself. I don’t want to give all my story ideas away. I want to be able to write some of them. I also want to be able to give some of them away, so there is a good chance I will be repopulating the archive here on this site. Expect a new page that details such things. I’ll work out the specifics within the wordpress code. 

Writing is the act of creation. It is more than just accessing our personal histories and talking about what did happen and what could have happened. Writing goes beyond that and becomes the thing that reflects our inner desires and fears. It is, to me, a kind of religion. I’m not trying to hype myself up here, just admitting that it is a fundamental part of my core being and despite a very hectic life (in need of organization and activity reduction) I have no expectation of living and not writing. I don’t believe I could or would exist peacefully in such a state. Even now when the ideas seem like the lone protozoa in an ocean of vapid thought, I know there is a need to populate my hours and thus my life with words and stories and in that fashion to recolonize the ocean of thoughts towards a goal of creation. 

Some Thoughts:

1. Yep, I am calling off the fantasy football. I’m not quite ready for the workload. 
2. Speaking of workload, I will not be teaching a novel writing class for the first semester in almost a decade.  There may have been another similar gap when I first started my new school seven years ago, but I do not remember it. This is a poor development that demands attention. I love teaching writers. It fuels me to see their passion and ideas flourish on the page. 

Here is something I learned about me tonight: I’m not very good at academic code switching. See, there is a language that is used in the world of academia that might in some way point towards this idea of a ‘deeper understanding’ of the general communication concepts. There are words like synthesis and we perform careful examination of the most minute bits of the process of writing and give those stages names and then we create names for the names and the naming. After a while it is easy to forget that you are talking about someone sitting down to write an essay. 

I cannot do it. I tried. I sat through two meetings where it was a lot of language I struggle to understand (both in content and relevancy). Eventually I broke and said something real. That real was retranslated into teacher speak by one of my colleagues. The message, in its new form, was lost to me.

I believe in teaching writing as a form of self expression and argument. I tell students that they need to realize the page is their medium to transmit ideas from their minds directly into someone else’s. That’s it. There are ways to do it and several facets I break down, but the general idea behind the craft is, ‘I want you to experience what I am feeling and how I am feeling it.’ 

It doesn’t need the excess terminology to give it weight. 

Some Thoughts:

1. Presently experiencing tech difficulties with this crap server. Who knows when this will post…

I am starting a new routine with assigned writing hours. I want to lead off that time with the blog. This is part of a larger conversation where I am trying to make larger changes and be both supportive and be fully in one part of that two world system I wrote about yesterday. I don’t think it is a system that is going to work long term. Part of that is not having a place that really feels like it is my own in one space and part of it is that disconnect from the electronic world (no recorded shows, no PS4 saves, No x-box, No rain background to write to). All of this could be a very good thing in the long run, because it forces me away from the things that make me comfortable. Also, it forces me away from the things that make me comfortable, which by default leaves me feeling uncomfortable. There is a lot I still need to figure out about fitting in.

I think the term fitting in is the wrong way to even go about considering the situation. She tries to fit in to my thing. I try to fit into hers. When are we ever actually making something new that accommodates the needs and desires of both parties to the best of our ability? She built a home that feels like her. I built a home (although falling apart from desperate neglect) that feels like me (perhaps desperate neglect is me). Neither space feels like us. 

This is popping up in my head because there are a couple of days a week I’ll be sinking in here in the same way there are a couple of days a week I get to sink into the other space. The difference is that when I sink into the other space I am constantly trying to balance catching up on me time, (which means playing games by myself and watching my recorded shows), catching up on the housework (gotta cook, clean, get rid of a bunch of excess stuff, organizing bookshelves, figuring out how to neatly store the excess crap I still have, trying to maintain the fun spaces–the gaming equipment), and raising three boys (getting them to and from where they need to be, spending quality time with them just hearing about their lives, helping with homework).

The combination of such things runs me ragged.

I waited until the evening to blog, because I have nothing to say. Really. I could mention that the ‘off day’ blog was written with the same date slug as the previous day, showing how off I was. I’ll mention that I played Cranium for a few hours and it wasn’t until the end of the game that my brain really started humming. I just don’t feel entirely there today. I feel like I am living in a shell of a person and watching the lives of living breathing people around me without any real life force of my own to speak of. 

Part of it is living between two homes and having what feels like two distinct lives in these spaces–neither of which seem to actually belong to me. Nearly every day feels like a transition day. I’m falling out of one set of responsibilities and behaviors into another. In both I feel like I am playing a lot of catch up and trying to both meet expectations and to get a foothold on feeling comfortable and like I can actually do my own thing without feeling like I am neglecting something or someone else. It is a hard way of being and not a life I intend to live for years and years.

In many ways I’ve lost active control of my household and creating that sense of family there, so that space is largely about catch up, clean up, and find a few good moments of alone time to do the things I enjoy. My second household hums along smoothly and requires little from me, but as such I feel out of place and more than a little useless. Both households leave me unsettled and I need to figure out how to settle in.

Some Thoughts:

1. I might cancel the fantasy league for this year. A lot of work on my end that I just don’t have the time for.

My Madden skills have deteriorated, so I can actually write this piece as though I am someone who isn’t that good at the game. I can also write this piece as someone who has lived on the verge of dumping the game altogether. As both people I can firmly say that Madden 19 is a solid addition to the Franchise Mode of games and to regular gameplay that can puts more power in the hands of the user to create whatever kind of experience they want.

Madden 19 is a good game. The graphics have improved. The sound, while not excellent, boasts a soundtrack that is in keeping with past editions which offer breakout musical songs and stars. Gameplay, the key portion of a gaming experience, is improved in some ways.

Graphically, Madden builds on previous editions to provide a visual experience that is very compelling. It has holes. The faces for created players are generally ugly and not at all interesting. They need to triple to choices at the very least for every skin tone. That being said, the interface graphics are improved and well organized, offering a better visual experience–especially in Franchise. There is room to grow here, but I like what I see.

The sound is not as good. Every hit sounds the same, resonating with the same bony crunch if you hit someone in the ankle or the head. The non-diegetic sounds are where the game constantly makes it’s mark. The score here is outstanding. It is good enough that I found myself bopping my head to a host of artists I generally don’t like (Pusha T, Cardi B, Creek Boyz). The beats fit with the game, and that makes the experience all the better. If you’ve ever been at a party or concert and felt the music was somehow better because of where it was being played, you’ll appreciate the work here.

Gameplay deserves a blog of its own and I know I will give it the attention it deserves. I’m jaded, because I have been losing a lot of games here on the tail end of 18–to the point that I deleted that junk from my PS4. More loosing with 19, but I believe there is hope, and a slew of new moves to unleash on the CPU and my kids.

I’m just cracking the shell of Madden 19 and I am having a great time so far. More info as things progress.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. I wrote this under the digital sound of rain and my flow was much better. I need that soothing white noise. Or at least I do better with it.

Ever have one of those nights where nothing seems to work as it should? I am experiencing a ton of that. There are specific internet glitches–mostly games and videos–holding my kids back from playing the games they want. Meanwhile, I seem to be just a bit off as well. It feels like I am literally one key off from every key I try to type. I’m not going to take an error count tonight, but suffice to say that this is more than metaphorical offness.

I think I am going to call it a realignment. It is going around too. All of my kids have said something about being not quite right today and my partner is certainly feeling it. This is a strange week and even stranger weekend. Something is in the air. I suspect it is the weather fallout from the California fires, but who really knows?

 

I took a day off yesterday. I puttered around a resort pool with the love of my life and allowed the realities of work and school to straight fade. Now back in the circle of understanding, I recognize that my novel writing class is highly unlikely to make for the first time in a long while. 4 students is not enough. I don’t feel like I’ve done enough personally to cultivate a society of writers on campus. We should have more than 4 people putting in for this class. In truth it was 6 at one point, but circumstances caused one to drop and the other seems to have been removed or removed themselves for some reason. That puts the chances of the class making at a dangerous low. What will I do then?

I don’t actually have an answer for that. A fruitful conversation with my partner helped me to reconsider the idea that the universe is ‘out to get me’. I’ve started to rewrite that script as the universe presents me with opportunities that I am responsible for deciphering. I have not quite gotten this one, though it could be about me developing my novel and working towards writing a serious plan for a sabbatical to write more and to think more about what it is I expect/need my life to look like as I move forward.

This seems a lot to place on one class, but this class is my tether at this school to the concept of why I teach in the first place. Without that class teaching is a straight up job.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. I have not watched the entire Browns v. Giants game, but I did see Barkley break off a big run. This reinforces what I’ve felt about him thus far: He will take some of the pressure off of Manning.

I’m starting a new tradition: A PPR league with my family. I’m re-starting another tradition: A Madden 19 league with my boys (at least the one). I’ll talk about the Madden thing another time, but here on Waiver Wednesday it is relevant to talk some solid PPR.

I haven’t cracked open the books to figure out who to draft yet. There are some serious options at number one, but as I suggested I want to go last and get that snake effect. I will say that I am thinking about the Browns a lot. There are several new offensive weapons on that team and a defense that started to pull things together last year. Given the magic that is Todd Haley, I think I want to at least look at the QB situation there. I’m very concerned that the media is going to try to make something happen (i.e. push Taylor out) but I feel like the Browns will develop Tyrod Taylor as a hero in this new Hard Knocks and give him a solid chance.

Taylor is not the only one who is dealing with media pressure. Barkley has a lot to live up to given the hype. I think he can shoulder that load. I also think that he won’t be shouldering all the #1 load, because he is going to split reps with Johnathan Stewart. Nobody is really talking about that, but every time I see clips of open practice, Stewart is shuttling in with the 1’s at least half the time. This will affect the numbers.

Remember, football teams don’t give a crap about fantasy leagues. They want to win for reals. As a result they are going to do what is best for the team–and occasionally cow tow to the media.

Some Thoughts:

1. Spending the day with my partner is a wonderful way to split the week. I want more of this. Much more.
2. Working on getting back up to writing speed. Today was… a really rough start.

Long day here. I spent the morning with my partner and thinking about our plans over the next month. Maybe it was the thought of how much had to be planned and juggled which led to the raw panic that was my evening. Maybe I’d just been locked in my house for too long. Regardless, the day went from chill and slow to suddenly needing to be racing around the city dropping off kids and looking for parking in a space where people are bumper to bumper pressed against red curbs.

It was a lot. It was very close to too much. I kept my cool by staying focused on the tasks ahead of me, but I never felt any real sense of peace or even accomplishment. Yet I did make it. I learned from it too. I need to do more with lists and with leaving ahead of schedule. Above all else, I need to have a solid plan for how to feed my kids. I haven’t done well with that lately, and that is going to need to change.

Some Thoughts:

1. I just saw my son’s team in a scrimmage and they were terrible. It felt like the kids had no real understanding of the blocking schemes required to execute a run based double wing. Moreover, the team moved to a passing-based formation and… did not pass. It was a painful thing to watch.
2. Heard dads going on about national championships in 7 on 7 football. Some people make their kids’ sports their lives and I recognize how on the edge of that I still am. I don’t want to drift into that kind of crazy.
3. Still looking for a touch of balance.