I waited until the evening to blog, because I have nothing to say. Really. I could mention that the ‘off day’ blog was written with the same date slug as the previous day, showing how off I was. I’ll mention that I played Cranium for a few hours and it wasn’t until the end of the game that my brain really started humming. I just don’t feel entirely there today. I feel like I am living in a shell of a person and watching the lives of living breathing people around me without any real life force of my own to speak of.
Part of it is living between two homes and having what feels like two distinct lives in these spaces–neither of which seem to actually belong to me. Nearly every day feels like a transition day. I’m falling out of one set of responsibilities and behaviors into another. In both I feel like I am playing a lot of catch up and trying to both meet expectations and to get a foothold on feeling comfortable and like I can actually do my own thing without feeling like I am neglecting something or someone else. It is a hard way of being and not a life I intend to live for years and years.
In many ways I’ve lost active control of my household and creating that sense of family there, so that space is largely about catch up, clean up, and find a few good moments of alone time to do the things I enjoy. My second household hums along smoothly and requires little from me, but as such I feel out of place and more than a little useless. Both households leave me unsettled and I need to figure out how to settle in.
Some Thoughts:
- I might cancel the fantasy league for this year. A lot of work on my end that I just don’t have the time for.