10 Minute Rule

I took some time out of my morning to watch Surrounded on youtube. It really helped me get a sense of the popularized version of the political divide. It also has me understanding a little better what is out there on social media re: politics. This is not helpful to the growth and or continuation of our nation as I see it. In fact, it is the bloody opposite. To (mis?)quote the Star Wars franchise, “This is how a democracy dies.”

I’m worried. Seriously. It’s been a huge part of my mental space and part of the stress package shoving my pressure up up up. We are really fighting a culture war out here and while that happens, the rich are fleecing the heck out of all of us. We’re moving closer to the 1984 future promised in the past and man, it hurts to see it.

Meanwhile, I am absolutely struggling on my own to recognize the value of my chosen profession–writing. I make 6 cents a word. I can write, at this point, a thousand good words an hour. It takes an hour of research and editing for each of those thousand, so we’re talking 30 bucks an hour as a writer. This is not including finding a place to publish. I need to do better. That is on me.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “He laughed so hard at Koo’s botched NFL kick that he had a seizure. It may have saved his life ” No comment…
2. Also.. “Prosecutors say suspect in missing students’ killings asked ChatGPT about disposing of a body” Bruh.

I have this image in my head–maybe its more of a clip or a dream or a hallucinated moment–where I look to the people out in front of me and say, “I finally got my shit together!” And in that moment it is real and known that I am the complete person promised. I’ve come round at last. This has never really happened. My life consists of a variety of failures stitched together by rare, and oft fleeting, moments of success. I suspect most lives are like that; storybook lives where the protagonist fails and fails and fails until they finally succeed. This could be why such structures work so well in story form.

As I type, the Lady Talis is out beyond the door speaking with her own eldest son (as we are a blended family we each have a first born male of which to speak). They are chatting about life and his life in particular, though he and especially his blood sister (our one girl) and his younger blood brother both often chat with her and ask after her life. My blood-born three do no such thing either to her or me. I don’t suspect they do it to their blood mother either (are you thinking the term blood mother is such a sci-fi or even fantasy coolness that it sounds quite awful in RL?). They were not programmed to care about us. I suspect they never will really see us as more than someone to come to with needs, questions, or misdirected aggression. I never taught them to give a crap about me and my life. As a result, I don’t get birthday gifts.

I got it wrong. That is the argument here. Sure, these boys could be really successful in life. All three of the blood born have a direct path to high-level success. Yet in terms of keeping us together as a family, I did not get my shit together. I never will. Sometimes the chance to make change is long behind you before you ever truly realize it. I’m starting to see that about many aspects of my life.

So, it is time to accept the things I cannot change, and to realize what those things are. It is time to move forward and give my energy and soul to what I can do from here on out.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Sabastian Sawe breaks fabled 2-hour barrier in the marathon to shatter world record by 65 seconds” I don’t think people truly realize how fast you have to go to run a marathon in under 2 hours. It is a wild level of sustained speed and endurance. Just wild.

I can tell I am worn down mentally, because I am slipping. Blog sat unpublished yesterday and here I am today trying to get another one in after my work day is done… except I didn’t do any work. Well, some work. I did some classwork, and I will probably do some teacher work in a bit here, but I am drained. I am so drained that I am not that hyped to even play Mass Effect right now. It has been a long semester. I don’t know that I did myself any favors with the amount of outside work I took on this semester either. I’m not crushing that work–especially not today, Instead I find myself here trying to make sure I get a full ten minutes in before I go do, well, who knows. More and more I find myself trying to survive these days as opposed to excelling through them.

I know I am ground down and need a break. I don’t know what that break should look like, but it should be something putting me on the path to getting back right with my health. Three months… That’s the reload.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Trump rushed from table after gunfire erupts at White House Correspondents’ Dinner” It is a Fox News link, so be warned of massive spin. It is bonkers because of how they are pitching this as how amazing and brave this dude is for coming back to the dinner. Here’s the thing though–The shots were not in the ballroom or apparently towards the ballroom, so bravery does not enter into the conversation. This is going to be spun so dang hard…
2. Pet Peeve of the Day: Any time I walk into the living room, the kids will quickly follow me out there if only to make sure they can get to the TV before I do… I’m actually not stressed about it. When I want it, I will take it. However, I find the action annoying.

I’ve been thinking about how much stress impacts my blood pressure. I stay under stress and it gets worse when family matters are off. My pressure has varied from 117/80 to 140/101 from day to day, regardless of meals or activity. Between that, work, and the world drama I am trending towards bad things. As a result I’ve tried hard to escape reality–hours and hours of video gaming as a way to detach and not have to think about anything real. I get the urges people have to escape and I do what I can myself when the pressure is too high. The problem I am facing is that I cannot escape. There is too much to be done and every few hours away from the reality makes everyone in my life more distant and angry. I have to ride this out. I have to shift away from self care and be more about the rest of the world.

I’ll find time for self care when everything else around me settles down. For now, I am going to put my main energy into locking in and working hard on all of the things I am supposed to handle.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Trump to send envoys Witkoff and Kushner to Pakistan for talks with Iran foreign minister” You see why I’m stressed, right?
2. Also… this: “Businesses dole out up to $4 million to cross Panama Canal during Strait of Hormuz chokehold” Makes me see that this whole game is a hustle.

I’ve been reading a bunch of draft stuff in preparation for the draft this evening. I’m even wearing a Jets shirt to send out good vibes to the team, one of two NYC crews that have two first round picks. There isn’t much I can do about the draft. There is no way of knowing if the impact of these drafted players will happen this upcoming season or later or at all. It has become so much spectacle and guess work that it seriously is the only way that football allows itself to” stay relevant over the spring term. I think this is a bad idea. I think the Spring League is a much better idea for focus than this speculative “who is gonna be good” kind of craziness.

Here’s the facts: We don’t actually know.

So many of these pundits make their careers on guessing. They make bets and hedge those bets based on the concept of how players did at the college level when we know the pro game isn’t the same. We know nothing save for how athletic these players are. That is what drives these conversations–how do they compare to pros and what pros are they “like”. I don’t like this process. More and more it creates false expectations for teams to draft people and when the teams don’t it prejudices fans against their own squads. I do not know exactly what the G-Men or the Jets need (except I do know the Jets need a QB because that room is junk), but I do know that everyone on TV thinks they do. This is how the mock drafts work–one person deciding all the picks and smugly saying they are right.

They hardly ever are–especially beyond the first round.

So, what do we expect tonight? Surprises, of course. I refuse to speculate on what will happen. I just hope whomever my teams get makes an impact.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “1 million bees make for bumper-to-buzzer traffic on a Tennessee highway ramp” Ahh the south.
2. Also this… “Buenos Aires bans stadium confetti after fire sparks panic at River vs Boca” I never considered how much of a hazard that stuff could be… I’m thinking about it now.
3. Got a new iphone. Not pleased with the dang thing yet… Haven’t used the camera yet either…

I’ve been following the Virginia redistricting fight today and realizing the spin is wild on this one. Republicans, and Texans in particular are mad about this vote. Turns out Virginia is adding more democratic seats! How is this bad? Well it is unfair that it only took a 51% vote to pass it. Sure, that would be a good argument if, well, Texas even voted. Instead the Texas redistrict was done by the gov without a vote at all. So… false argument there. This made me realize that not only is the media game more and more rigged, but the truth of these parties is that Dems cannot sell lies that big because the dem base is generally more savvy about what’s going on because they are experiencing it from a different perspective—one in which they are being portrayed as the villain while Republicans rely on the hero/victim narrative on a more regular basis. Dena talk about inclusion. Yet the argument for exclusion draws more eyes because it raises the value of those still included. This is a problem we have yet to realize how to solve.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline Of the Day: “https://apnews.com/article/kash-patel-girlfriend-new-york-times-investigation-149655b7f7797d09dea9a2c8548d33cb” I know the link is bad but this is a phone post and I’m realizing I’m not very good at those. Translation: Kash Patel sent the FBI after a reporter who wrote an article about him. That guy is surely closer to being fired, right? Right?!
2. weak post tonight. The phone is a terrible medium for this sort of thing. Might be the fat fingers…
3. I plan to do a waiver come Thursday talking about the silliness of draft predictions… and then saying what I think will happen… j/k I won’t predict. I’ll just hope.

Ever have one of those days where it feels like time slips away much faster. You wake up before the sun and by the time its full in the sky you’re wondering where all that time went, and then it goes down and you’re like, “Wait, it’s over?” It is indeed over and I’m taking the ten I have left to blog a bit. My day disappeared fast. It is one of those where I can’t help but feel like I am forgetting something major and I never catch up to remembering it. I’m falling to pieces in a lot of different ways (and pieces? heh) and it has to do with feeling like I am not making much of the time I have left.

That’s a profound thing to think through–the time I have left. I think about it more and more. What does that mean? twenty hours? 28 years? I have no real idea, which is why I should be focused on enjoying this time and not feeling all of this collected stress. Yet here I am. This is not the way. I need to get back to focusing on what I can control, and actually making progress in the areas that I do control, such as refreshing myself and finding that curiosity that leads to creativity.

Some Thoughts:

1. House environment is wearing on the Lady Talis and myself. Perhaps in different ways. The result is the same. Peace is required and not being found in place.

I think…

The term parental alienation, while not fully applicable to my situation, does apply in many ways to my situation. It really feels like an us vs. them dynamic where the ex is trying to “win” and is willing to do anything for these kids in order to achieve that “win”. This has lead to a great deal of malicious activity, including granting exorbitant freedoms and blaming any setback or degradation to that freedom on me. I’m the bad guy. I’m the only one who is ever going to hold the kids accountable for anything. If I don’t then what type of adults will they become?

I think…

I am burned out. There is little doubt about that in my mind. It’s like when a body gets dehydrated and you feel that need; you feel yourself drying out. I feel myself withering and pulling away from routine. I’m very much in the mindset of not at all appreciating where I am at or the work situation I am in. I’m ready to step away for a while… a long while.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer is leaving Trump’s Cabinet after abuse of power allegations” This includes drinking on the job and having an affair with a subordinate, which feels like the new normal in this government. The best people…
2. Also… “Mount Holyoke’s corpse flower blooms again, drawing crowds to its ‘rotting flesh’ stench”

Sunday now. The existential dread that accompanies it being Sunday is such a dramatic shift from the carefree joy of Saturday that you might wonder how these are consecutive days at all. Don’t even get me started on Mondays. My existential stress gets a daily boost from reading the news. It feels like a matter of time before the US military commits a war crime so egregious that the world cannot ignore it, and as a result, we double down. Not back down mind you, because we don’t have the mechanisms to do that under this administration. We simply pivot and claim victory in the face of overwhelming shame.

It isn’t going well, American Life.

I could write about the strain on the system ad nauseam, but I don’t know it would do much good other than getting it out of my own system (again). Short version, we are a country predicated on growth in a handful of key markets that are overwhelmingly powered by a base of people who are losing their opportunity and will to grow said markets. I know the market leaders see this, but most appear more interested in milking that cow than feeding it… and are also trying to find new ways to profit off us. I.e. new markets. It is painful. It is sad, and I am in no position to do much more than ride this thing out. I’m trying to get to a better financial position. That will take time I am no longer sure we have.

In the meanwhile, I need to get my heart, body, and soul back to a place where I can be a productive member of society. I’m not there yet. I am hanging on by the strandiest of strands these days, between kid drama, finance woes, and a creative block the size of New Hampshire. This too shall pass, I always say. But when though?

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Pete Hegseth reads a prayer adapted from ‘Pulp Fiction’ during Pentagon service” The path of the righteous man, indeed… I love how he tried to make the Strait into the valley of darkness. Bro was not cooking. Yet he truly, deeply, believed he was. This is what happens when you put ego-focused fail-ups in a position of near-absolute power. Bad things, man. Bad things…
2. Traded Sexy Dexy. Got legit value back. Don’t F this up, Harbaugh.
3. Not looking forward to the new Madden or college football, because I’ve heard nada in terms of improvements to play. Just new players. At least give me some FCS magic and let me pay with my own kid.

Hard to believe it is only Saturday. The days seem so much incredibly longer, draped in the weight of emotional uncertainty. I have unresolved issues and am waiting for a conversation with my son. It should have happened the night of the incident, but it didn’t for reasons previously discussed, and now we are in a situation where I am waiting to see him and when I do I’ll need to unload this emotion, but in a controlled way. I’m not mad at all. I’m sad and worried for the kid and for the relationship I want to have with the kid.

I dwell. I have that problem emotionally. I need resolution. Without it and without understanding I am adrift. Of course, I’ve been adrift in one way or another since ’25, and it is time I pulled myself back on course. I’m working on that in a number of ways. A lot of it is about clearing my head and setting stronger boundaries and priorities for myself. It’s work, but I’m worth it.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Life jacket worn by a passenger who survived the Titanic auctioned off for over $900,000” Some people have way too much money and way too little sense of what to do with it.
2. Also this: “Prosecutors say makeup, wigs helped former Alabama tackle impersonate NFL players in $20M fraud”