Author: admin

It isn’t my graduation or even my birth son’s grad day. Still it is one of my kids and I love him and hope the best for him. Truthfully though, the day is more about Mom realizing that goal of completion for her son and I love her for being able to accomplish that under the conditions she has faced over the last half-dozen years. So, while this ought to be a day of relax and celebration it feels more like a dad on wedding night. I’m a bit flustered and apprehensive and just want to be able to be there to staunch the river of tears.

Some Thoughts:

1. The entire thing could have been called some thoughts for as much as I am able to focus on one specific thing right now. Here’s one thing: I tool a new typing test and clocked at 51 WPM (following a dismal 9 wpm). This tells me that once I am in the zone I can turn it on a little. Man how I long to be back in that zone more often. At 51 of copying text I ought to be pushing 500+ words for each of these 10 minute excursions.
2. I am not doing that. Partly because I am not finding a lot of creative energy or consistency lately. This is a troubling trend that needs to be studied further.
3. Speaking of studies, school is out for summer! I’m kind of pumped because there is so much the kids can do and enjoy this summer. I’m kind of not pumped because I have failed to plan anything of worth save for a brief football excursion that may or may not be cancelled based on the failure of the squad to have a meaningful conversation about practices and, well, even a coach. No, I’m not going to do it.
4. I am still hopeful to be involved in the coaching conversation for the fall but I am also far less hopeful that this is going to happen. To be continued on a future Wednesday.
5. For now it is off to the graduation and off to feel hope and joy and success…
6. Then Phoenix Fan Fest.

Basketball just got interesting. At least in the Eastern Conference. What I saying is, the Raptors are legit. They possess a defense that rattles teams. While the Warriors split the season series with the Bucks, the Raptors beat them badly both times out. And here I thought the ending of the Sixer’s series was a fluke. It wasn’t. The Raptors possess a defense that is more than capable of flummoxing teams. This will be the death of the Bucks if it can be maintained, and unless Curry is CURRY, it is going to impact the way the final comes out. I would love to see the Raptors slay the beast. I would love to see defense win the day.

I don’t believe I will.

Meanwhile in the NFL, I have real hope for the Giants. They haven’t shown me much beyond signings, but as they quietly work towards a successful season I am looking forward to what can be. The RB corps is legit, especially considering the addition of Rod Smith as another FB pass catcher. The offense is going to resemble a number of the High School offenses I see with the short pass being king and athletes operating in space. We have some real hope here.

Meanwhile in Youth Football, I will not be HC this year and I am pleased about that. I’d like to be OC, but that remains to be seen. It is possible I wind up coaching with the older team vs. the younger one. Either way, the goal is to see both kids in a really good position to be successful and learn and grow from the experience. We are getting to the end of the road of Youth Football, and I am grateful for the journey for them and for me. I’ve had a great time and learned a lot and grown so much and been successful and fulfilled goals. Life has been really good for me in so many ways and watching my kids grow in sports is just a small part of that.

Some Thoughts:

1. Diet is not going well at all. It is going far worse than the actual exercise, which is going decent. The pain of the lactic acid build up is evidence it is working. Hurting, but working. Such is the price.

Yesterday I wanted to talk about GoT, but I really wanted to talk about story and expectation. Specifically, I am concerned about the relationship between success and fan service–particularly in continuing or long lasting series. I worry that the mountain of responsibility in the age of social media is shifting towards doing what the fans want vs. the author exploring and realizing their own arc. What is responsible for the shift? At least here in America the answer seems to be privilege based expectation and social media.

I remember the end of the Harry Potter series as it came out. This is back in the day when the movies were released after the books mind you. The ending landed with a thud, because it did not match fan expectations. Except JK Rowling wrote that ending and stuffed it in a vault years before she finished the books. In other words, the story came from that place where it started, not from the support and attention of the millions of fans who bought the work. This is important because the place where the story started is, IMHO, what brought readers to the page in the first place. To devolve into Fan service is to betray your own story.

Yet here we are in an era where that is not only expected but accepted–especially in TV drama where the work is not often written by a single writer but a room of authors who change as often as the seasons over the years. I don’t want my big work to be like that. I want to create it in isolation as a response to the zeitgeist. I want to put it out there and let it be as it should.

Not as the fans decide they want it when they decide to take ownership.

Some Thoughts:

1. 365 days in a year means I am pushing about 45 days until 3.0 is over. I’m on a new exercise routine and trying to stick to a new writing routine. All of this last minute stuff means that I have not really changed all that much. It isn’t the best look.
2. Several Amber Alerts here lately. Bad things, man…

Here’s the thing that worries me about ‘the moment’: If you don’t subscribe to it (meaning shape your message to identify with it) then somehow you are suddenly lacking.

I should start at the beginning.

Game of Thrones is a fantastically old outline that was written by a fairly misogynistic author named George RR Martin. He thought up the ideas of how the story would end decades before the arrival of the me too movement and present energy on female leadership and positive roles. He did this and then they made a really famous show that landed smack dab in the middle of the ‘Ms. Marvel’ era. So, what I am saying is there ought to be no expectation that it ends in a way that promotes the roles we have come to realize are more positive for women. That is the equivalent of asking Mrs. Brady to act differently because now we want her to or to expect June Cleaver not to treat her husband in the fashion that seemingly fit her needs and desires of the era.

So, I am saying not to expect GoT to be a reflection of the now. In a larger sense I am saying not to expect writing–especially fiction–to be a mirror of the world we live in. Fiction is a lens into possibility. Fantasy and Science Fiction are both nakedly reflective of the worlds we either want or fear and often of both. They are ‘Black Mirrors’ if you will, and not meant to be Fan Service of an idea of ‘the way it is now’

So, what led to this argument? I saw an article post on CNN about how GoT missed its moment to be something amazing by shaping the lead female into something that everyone wanted her to be. I find that argument to be deeply immature and relatively stupid. If anything, GoT showed us solid character journeys and in one such journey we did get to see a woman become that woman. In truth more than one reached her place in that sense. Still, we aren’t talking about them. We are talking about the one ‘we care about’ the one that ended far far worse.

My partner is in my office taking a much needed solo stroll down memory lane. I’m staying away so she has the space to have a moment of personal reflection on the success of raising a child to the point of graduating high school. It is a big deal. She’s accomplished so much in her life and come so far from where she started. She does not always see it because she isn’t where she wants to be, but she has done so much. That is a common theme and one I want to look on in story: People who don’t recognize their own strength and accomplishments. Often it comes from a place of expecting more from ourselves. It can also come from a place of others expecting more of you or not having obtained a place in life where Maslow’s tricky hierarchy of needs leaves you feeling safe and comfortable.

Often it is powered by an awareness and feeling of powerlessness in the larger world. Once I recognized how I was limited by lack of wealth I was dark for a long time. I live in a world where we are taught to want things that are initially beyond our means. This is the central tenet of capitalism. We must strive for more, but there is so much more that we can never ever have enough. The trick is to separate yourself from that desire and be happy with the pleasures of family and friends. Beyond that it is possible to be happy with what you have and what you have done. I think about that when I think of her accomplishments. She has done so much and I feel pride for having her in my life each day.

Some Thoughts:

1. I didn’t sleep last night. I wound up finally getting down after 2:30, and slept in till 9:25. Technically that is just shy of 7 hrs, so I suppose it was halfway decent sleep. The problem is the same as always–I don’t sleep well alone and I don’t do well when I am dealing with thoughts of death. The finality and inevitability of the end event terrifies me. No matter how much I turn to meditation, I am still terrified. It sucks.
2. Game of Thrones night. Yeah, we’ll see.

I am suffering from all of the physical and mental indicators of high stress. Like all of them. At least, this is according to WebMD, which has on multiple occasions led me to a diagnosis of one cancer or another. So, maybe this is not entirely accurate. Still, here is what I am dealing with:

• Becoming easily agitated, frustrated, and moody
• Feeling overwhelmed, like you are losing control or need to take control
• Having difficulty relaxing and quieting your mind
• Feeling bad about yourself (low self-esteem), lonely, worthless, and depressed
• Avoiding others

• Low energy
• Upset stomach,
• Aches, pains, and tense muscles
• Chest pain and rapid heartbeat
• Insomnia

• Constant worrying
• Racing thoughts
• Forgetfulness and disorganization
• Inability to focus
• Poor judgment
• Being pessimistic or seeing only the negative side

• Changes in appetite — either not eating or eating too much
• Procrastinating and avoiding responsibilities
• Exhibiting more nervous behaviors, such as pacing

So while it is not cancer this time it is surely stress. What do I do about it? Honestly, I feel as if there is nothing to do but watch it build until I explode in a big wet pile o’ Talis. So, I’m waiting for that to happen. In the meanwhile I will continue to dig in and try to get through the days. The biggest problem is that I cannot make the world right for the people I love the most. That weight sits on my chest and makes everything else feel desperate.

Not the brightest evening of blogging, but the beauty of the written word is that you come to the blank page as you are and you pour yourself into it. You let the world feel through your skin.

In all of this recent talk about the fallacy and hype of youth atheletics I forgot to roll out the waiver wire!

Some interesting things happening in the sports world. For one, we are starting to get a better sense of how fragile of a public figure Odell B. really is. This knowledge comes courtesy of his recent failure to appear at an OTA session. This missed day of optional work came on the heels of a Trump-level twitter tirade about the Giants and his past. It was also the one day of OTAs the media was scheduled to be around. Basically, he did not want to deal with the media, so he dipped.

He’s going to struggle for some time and teams are going to struggle around him when things are not going well. He has not matured to the level required to be a leader. It is a very good thing his BFF is on the squad. Together they may be able to fix this.

Meanwhile the Knicks got hosed. They lost out on the Zion sweepstakes and probably lost some free agent opportunities as a result. The Knicks harbor such a culture of failure that I won’t even use them in a video game.

There is still quality basketball being played–by two of the 4 teams left. The Bucks are crushing the Raptors and the Warriors are finding their new identity while smashing a very good blazers squad. This is shaping up to be a thrilling final. With both top seeds up 2-0, it might get here rather quickly.

Some Thoughts:

1. The previously mentioned getabag gang in actuality goes by the name ‘gettabag’ so, be careful about correctness. The second T matters.

Often these reflections come in the form of stuff that I am writing about or experiencing. The two worlds rarely collide. Here we see collision in full force. Hopefully I can spend the next few minutes sorting out my metacog version of the situation so that when it hits the story pages it makes a little more sense.

Here is what is going on: as I recently mentioned I have been promoting my kids’ sports lives via social media. In that process I quickly learned how ‘about that life’ we are not. Don’t get me wrong, my kids are solid athletes–one of the three is on the cusp of elite status but struggles beating kids older than him and needs more consistency. Still, opening the door to that world has seriously opened my eyes to the amount of labor parents are willing to go through to see their kids reach that status.

One such kid we will call ‘Getabag’ as in, quite literally get a bag of money. This is part of his instagram handle. I coached the kid myself till he was about 8 yrs old. Since that time he’s been all star status across the state and grinding across the state in every football related event possible. I am pretty sure he does daily professional training and plays for at least 3 different 7on7 teams on a weekly basis, and this is the offseason. I’m struggling to imagine the financial and time commitment needed to see that life happen. I’m not doing that. Heck, with three boys I simply cannot.

Yet there is an entire squad of boys around him who are doing just that. It seems that these boys are going to be successful wherever they go in the sport, but at what cost?

I believe this is something I want to explore more in story. The getabag gang sometimes struggles in the classroom (some not all) and they’ve chosen in 7th grade the life they will lead. My kid is not part of that group, though he too is in 7th and intends to play in H.S. Still, he’s ready to sacrifice a summer tourney to go to a math class. That’s good because I’ve decided not to take him anyhow.

Balance is about finding the pleasures of life and childhood while getting better at the things you want to be good at. You don’t have to be only one thing. The bag can be got any number of ways, and the bag is still gonna be there just out of reach until you graduate college.

All of this extra will make you better, but will it make you better enough to make up the difference of what you lost along the way?

Sitting in a session on Differentiated Learning I find myself wondering if this is endgame. It isn’t for me. It is for some. Let me be clear in what I am trying to explain: For some people, their job is their purpose and what measuring stick they define themselves by. For me this is not the case. The writing for me is likely endgame. That and family seem to be in equal balance. The work–the teaching–is something I love, but I don’t define myself by teaching or being a teacher. I think this lives at the core of why some find me abhorrent at the teaching level. I am about these relationships and introducing students to cool shit and to writing as a process. The fundamental structural approach to treating the institution and the goal of building something of the institution as key is not me.

To be clear again: I’m in it for the students in my classroom that day and for what interesting things we can learn and discover together. I couldn’t care less about the organizational politics and power struggle and what people think about me and my role and even my college’s status outside of how that impacts my ability to reach that kid sitting across from me on that given day.

To some I’m small-minded and don’t care about the institution. I’m not mad at that label or assessment. It is short-sighted in of itself. I would not be sitting at a lecture on differentiated instruction trying to strengthen what I do as an instructor if I was just checked out.

I think the larger idea of differentiation is not respected by faculty in general. If, at the classroom level we can expect different things for different students then why can’t different instructors take on different roles and be assessed and viewed based upon what role they fill. We don’t all have to feel one way or be about the same thing. I’m about that classroom interaction, so that is my thing. It doesn’t matter any less than assessment, though it is less visible and far less measurable in dollars and cents.

I guess that is where the rubber hits the road. I guess that is what we are trying to do as an institution. But that is not where I live in my heart.

Done with grading. My partner stopped short of accusing me of slacking in this respect (in terms of offering crap feedback), but she did indicate that ‘things don’t add up’ in regards to my grading speed. Truth be told, I gave far less feedback than I am personally comfortable with. I was, once again, a poor manager of my time.

So, what does that mean moving forward?

I take lessons like this to heart. Every time I write a note to a student I need to recognize that I am impacting that student’s emotional and mental health (see below–I wrote the thoughts first while searching for exactly what I wanted to say today). I also need to recognize that failure to provide enough feedback has the same impact. If you say nothing it does little to promote growth.

With that in mind I am going to move forward towards the summer and fall redesigns (a yearly process) with more emphasis on quick hit assignments that I can give really good feedback about. This way the students are growing from the process and continuing to learn to recognize writing as a process.

Meanwhile I need to continue to respect teaching as a process and get better from step to step, stage to stage. I had someone in my college who ‘ranks’ higher than me recently explain to me that ‘focusing on the students is a good place to start.’ I took immediate offense to the idea, because I see it as a good place to live.

Speaking of places to live… that is a topic for the next blog. Real issues there. I’m discovering that I have a lot to say about it and not a clear sense of how the words ought to go. And on that subject change, back to…

Some Thoughts:

1. Okay, now it is really time to start watching basketball.
2. This is shaping up to be a particularly difficult week in terms of emotional health.
3. 1 and 2 are entirely unrelated.
4. While we are on the subject of health, I am starting to come to grips with the different types of so-called wellness. Emotional is only one of many layers that may or may not corroborate to form overall wellness. Mental and physical are two other layers that do in truth seem corresponding. Perhaps emotional is the glue that holds the three together.
5. All three are a work in progress as we speak.